So last night was.. weird.
And dumb.
And awful.
And raw.
And emotional.
And scary.
I'm known to get stuck in ruts every once in awhile and last night was one of them. I was having really bad thoughts and I was starting to feel really messed up. I'm in the middle of shooting a wedding today, and I thought I'd use my free moment to talk about it. Mostly for future reference, I guess.
This week has been an interesting one. It started not bad, but one of my friends and I aren't talking to each other on purpose just to see what it's like where we're one without the other for a few days. And it's really doling out some damage to me. It's reminding me that I really am nothing without my extremely close friends and how I would be without that one specifically around.
But speaking of friends... I clearly lack them.
I made a little rant that probably sounded whiny as heck on Tumblr and it was basically something about how I'm always the one who is there for friends but when it comes down to it, they aren't really there for me when I need it. I'm not calling out any specific friends nor am I name dropping.
But honestly.. if you think it's about you, then it probably is. Straight up. I'm not sorry.
It also reminded me that when I'm feeling as down about life as I was, that sometimes I need to be alone and do my own thing. What if in the future I'm also as alone as I felt? I needed to see for myself how I would be when I was by myself.
It wasn't pretty. Last night wasn't pretty.
The night progressed, and I tried to do something creative since I didn't have any friends. I played around with my makeup, and ordered some online. My dad said some choice words to me and I actually believed him because I was feeling so awful about myself. At that point, I would have believed anything negative that was said to me at all.
Then I tried to go to bed super early. Which, spoiler alert, didn't go over well. I mostly ended up crying a lot. Then the bad thoughts about harming myself popped up. I wanted to hurt myself. I was convinced that my life wasn't supposed to happen and I wanted to do something to make my life not be a thing anymore. I wanted to so badly.
I didn't.
I haven't self harmed in over three years and that's a streak that I pray hard to keep it going.
I don't even really know how I haven't slept that much. Probably because I'm a coffee fiend. I waited around for my alarm to go off this morning and I needed to pull myself together because... I'm at a wedding and I'm going to make money today. I have to pull myself together and act like nothing happened last night (which nothing really did happen last night, just bad thoughts screaming a lot).
Generally within my friend group and in the Tumblr universe, I'm sort of an optimist. I'm the one who always wants to help people and be happy. But it very much sucks when the token optimist is the one who feels like junk and wants to end things.
Today/this afternoon is better. Not 100% and I'm still going around with my fake as heck happiness, but I'm not as terrified about things as I was last night and into this morning.
And if anyone is reading this who also feels like you should end things, don't. Doing that is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You're worthy of life. You're worthy of so much. You matter.
1-800-273-8255 is the number for a suicide lifeline in the United States. Go -> here <- for numbers specific to your state and there's also a link to click on if you're international.
I love you.
Real talk
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Hello, blog.
And people reading this.
Can I just not say the "I've been busy with work, school, friends, and life so I haven't been blogging lately" excuse?
I can?
Sweetness.
Honestly, life has still been real rad lately. I've actually been making new friends, which is awesome. I love making new friends. We went to Ikea in Draper and almost got kicked out. Great times. It's fun to be able to take time out of a crazy busy life and be able to have fun and kick back with good people.
In which, last night I had a date. Which was a ton of fun. I haven't gotten dressed up and all dolled up in awhile, so that was nice. I got to wear heels and not be taller than my date, because luckily for me, he's like 6'5". Quite a giant. But a gentle giant, I'll give him that. He's cool. And again, I'm so happy I was able to get all dressed up and also get out of the house. Cabin fever, I tell ya.
Obviously I'm going to share what I was wearing last night.
Also I'm really trying to get into makeup. Not so much hair, but makeup. I know, I'm really starting to turn into the stereotypical Utah girl. Except I'm not married. But I'm really starting to feel like I am. But oh well. I don't really care. I think the Utah girl stereotype is annoying and overrated. Let girls here live and do what they want.
If they want to blog, let them.
If they want to be photographers, let them.
If they want to be into hair, let them.
If they want to be into makeup, let them.
If they want to wear maxi dresses with chunky necklaces, LET THEM.
Can girls here breathe without being criticized?
Honestly, people. Let us live.
I like hair and makeup, but more so makeup. I have two cousins who are mostly into makeup, while one is also big into hair. I've lived with one and live near the other, so I've really been around makeup and hair products over the last two years. I think it's fun. So I'm going to try jumping into makeup and see where it takes me. Not anything huge. I don't want to do makeup artistry as a job or anything, or be a beauty guru on YouTube, but just to wear makeup and see if I feel good wearing it.
I don't wear too much makeup. At all. I have a couple pallets but that's about it, honestly. So I'm saving money and go balls to the wall soon and see what happens. Like most phases, this will probably be that.
A phase.
Anyway, here's what I wore on my date last night.
And people reading this.
Can I just not say the "I've been busy with work, school, friends, and life so I haven't been blogging lately" excuse?
I can?
Sweetness.
Honestly, life has still been real rad lately. I've actually been making new friends, which is awesome. I love making new friends. We went to Ikea in Draper and almost got kicked out. Great times. It's fun to be able to take time out of a crazy busy life and be able to have fun and kick back with good people.
In which, last night I had a date. Which was a ton of fun. I haven't gotten dressed up and all dolled up in awhile, so that was nice. I got to wear heels and not be taller than my date, because luckily for me, he's like 6'5". Quite a giant. But a gentle giant, I'll give him that. He's cool. And again, I'm so happy I was able to get all dressed up and also get out of the house. Cabin fever, I tell ya.
Obviously I'm going to share what I was wearing last night.
Also I'm really trying to get into makeup. Not so much hair, but makeup. I know, I'm really starting to turn into the stereotypical Utah girl. Except I'm not married. But I'm really starting to feel like I am. But oh well. I don't really care. I think the Utah girl stereotype is annoying and overrated. Let girls here live and do what they want.
If they want to blog, let them.
If they want to be photographers, let them.
If they want to be into hair, let them.
If they want to be into makeup, let them.
If they want to wear maxi dresses with chunky necklaces, LET THEM.
Can girls here breathe without being criticized?
Honestly, people. Let us live.
I like hair and makeup, but more so makeup. I have two cousins who are mostly into makeup, while one is also big into hair. I've lived with one and live near the other, so I've really been around makeup and hair products over the last two years. I think it's fun. So I'm going to try jumping into makeup and see where it takes me. Not anything huge. I don't want to do makeup artistry as a job or anything, or be a beauty guru on YouTube, but just to wear makeup and see if I feel good wearing it.
I don't wear too much makeup. At all. I have a couple pallets but that's about it, honestly. So I'm saving money and go balls to the wall soon and see what happens. Like most phases, this will probably be that.
A phase.
Anyway, here's what I wore on my date last night.
I felt cute and looked cute. Confidence is key sometimes, y'all.
Dress: $64.99 at ModCloth. Find it here.
Tights: I never know where I find my tights, but this pair from Khol's is $7.99. Here.
Cardigan: Mine is in gray. $29.99 at DownEast Basics. Find it here.
Shoes: On sale for $30 at Charlotte Russe. Find them here.
Bracelet: $68 at Alex and Ani. Find it here.
Bracelet: $28 at Alex and Ani. Find it here.
Earrings: $38 at Alex and Ani. Find it here.
Alex and Ani has a collection of bracelets with sororities printed on them that you can find here, and I was also wearing the bracelet that has my sorority on it. It was $32.
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
HELLO NOVEMBER.
Fall is here and the temperatures are dropping here like no one's business. And I love it. I've been looking forward to this time of year since the springtime and it's coming back. I've been super happy every time I look at my phone's weather app. I seriously couldn't live any place else at the moment. I'm way too freaking happy here. I feel like everyone should be in a place that they truly love, and here is definitely that place for me. My metaphorical puzzle piece fits so perfectly here!
With gorgeous cold weather... comes sickness, though. I knew it wouldn't be that easy. Monday night into Tuesday morning I woke up and was instantly sick. I feel like it's some sort of lame-o stomach virus. I can't keep anything down and even though I hate its guts, I've been trying to down Gatorade like a pro. I think I've found one flavor that I like the best so.. props to that.
Or it could have been something that I caught from the weekend. Which isn't likely, but oh hey, I had the best weekend of my freaking LIFE this last weekend. And since this is my blog, I guess I'm going to blog about it lol!
So me and one of my very best friends drove like.. a half hour or so (??) to where his* parents live because I was crying about something last week and he suggested that we go see his parents. They have horses. And like... many farmland. So many farmland. Many. I accepted his gracious offer and we went up there at like.. 2:00 on Saturday morning. Too much flipping fun. It was great because we listened to Bob Segar's song Night Moves and it was so right for the moment. Also Don McLean's song American Pie. You know, the song that's like eight minutes long? You got it, dude. I'm going to make a playlist for this blog in a second. Spoiler alert: these two songs and at least two others will be on there for sure.
His parents were really nice when I saw them when I woke up. Very nice and warm. I like them. That was what, Saturday? Halloween. YES. I saw the horses that his family has and I was instantly transplanted into June. Good times. Anyway, we went to a murder mystery dinner for Halloween and THAT was a treat. The actors who were doing it were also dressed up in casual attire so literally no one knew about it until the reveal and I think it was a lot more fun that way. Later on, my BFF and I had to wait like half an hour for something and we lip sang One Direction and I thought of my homegirl (SHOUTS TO AILY ILY GIRL!!!) and it was great.
I honestly didn't go to bed until about 6:30 Sunday morning. We stayed up and had a campfire and made s'mores and were stargazing and.. gah. Just lots of good stuff. It was the perfect aesthetic. Too good. So much love and extremely loud laughter. Love that guy! I woke up the next morning in the best way possible (nothing freaky, I promise!) and I got to watch my Seahawks beat the Cowboys! Always a nice treat to have the Hawks to into a bye week at 4-4. Well.. sorta. Come on, Hawks!
Then later on I headed home. It was great to get out of the city and into the rural areas and press "pause" on the remote of life for a couple days. I think everyone should do that, as well. If you're ever feeling suffocated or tied down to where you are, just get out for a weekend! It'll do wonders.
That's all I really have today.
Oh wait.
I guess I could mention that it's been two years since I had my heart transplant. Fun fact: I had a heart transplant two years ago today. I don't really bring it up as much as I did on social media. I don't really talk about it unless I need to or if I really want to. Which isn't often anymore. It's still weird for me to think about. That's all I really feel like saying about it.
Here are some tunes that I'm listening to at the moment.
Wait - M83
American Pie - Don McLean
Night Moves - Bob Segar
One Thing - One Direction
From Now On - The Features**
Lights On - Big Grams
Revolt - Muse***
When It's Over - Sugar Ray****
Dirty Little Secret - All American Rejects
Waiting on the World to Change - John Mayer*****
Girl Crush - New Politics
New Americana - Halsey
So there you go. (most of the) Links are the song titles. I've been trying to find a specific song lately, but I can't find it anywhere. I was listening to satellite radio (the XM U channel on Sirius fyi) a couple weeks ago, and I heard this really rad song but I can't remember any of it for the life of me. It sort of reminded me of outer space, and every few seconds I heard a small 'beep' sound in the background. Idk. It was cool though. If any people who read my blog also listen to indie music who may have an idea of what that song it, let a girl know, please!
Anyway, I think that's all I have for now! If this stomach virus doesn't kill me, I'll probably blog again soon!
xx
* = pls don't forget I can have best friends who are guys! (:
** = I can't find a link to a music video for this song mostly because this was a song that was made for the Twilight Breaking Dawn soundtrack. But it's on Tumblr, I know that. I think if you search for "the features from now on" and narrow your search to audio posts only, it should be there.
*** = WHY I CAN'T FIND THIS MUSIC VIDEO IS BEYOND ME. I didn't look at their official site (muse.mu) which may be on there. But it's not on YouTube. Try looking on their website. The song is my favorite off their new album!
**** = Mark McGrath will always be my 90's girl crush. Unf. <3
***** = 2006 John Mayer was such a babe. May I repeat: UNF. <3 <3
Fall is here and the temperatures are dropping here like no one's business. And I love it. I've been looking forward to this time of year since the springtime and it's coming back. I've been super happy every time I look at my phone's weather app. I seriously couldn't live any place else at the moment. I'm way too freaking happy here. I feel like everyone should be in a place that they truly love, and here is definitely that place for me. My metaphorical puzzle piece fits so perfectly here!
With gorgeous cold weather... comes sickness, though. I knew it wouldn't be that easy. Monday night into Tuesday morning I woke up and was instantly sick. I feel like it's some sort of lame-o stomach virus. I can't keep anything down and even though I hate its guts, I've been trying to down Gatorade like a pro. I think I've found one flavor that I like the best so.. props to that.
Or it could have been something that I caught from the weekend. Which isn't likely, but oh hey, I had the best weekend of my freaking LIFE this last weekend. And since this is my blog, I guess I'm going to blog about it lol!
So me and one of my very best friends drove like.. a half hour or so (??) to where his* parents live because I was crying about something last week and he suggested that we go see his parents. They have horses. And like... many farmland. So many farmland. Many. I accepted his gracious offer and we went up there at like.. 2:00 on Saturday morning. Too much flipping fun. It was great because we listened to Bob Segar's song Night Moves and it was so right for the moment. Also Don McLean's song American Pie. You know, the song that's like eight minutes long? You got it, dude. I'm going to make a playlist for this blog in a second. Spoiler alert: these two songs and at least two others will be on there for sure.
His parents were really nice when I saw them when I woke up. Very nice and warm. I like them. That was what, Saturday? Halloween. YES. I saw the horses that his family has and I was instantly transplanted into June. Good times. Anyway, we went to a murder mystery dinner for Halloween and THAT was a treat. The actors who were doing it were also dressed up in casual attire so literally no one knew about it until the reveal and I think it was a lot more fun that way. Later on, my BFF and I had to wait like half an hour for something and we lip sang One Direction and I thought of my homegirl (SHOUTS TO AILY ILY GIRL!!!) and it was great.
I honestly didn't go to bed until about 6:30 Sunday morning. We stayed up and had a campfire and made s'mores and were stargazing and.. gah. Just lots of good stuff. It was the perfect aesthetic. Too good. So much love and extremely loud laughter. Love that guy! I woke up the next morning in the best way possible (nothing freaky, I promise!) and I got to watch my Seahawks beat the Cowboys! Always a nice treat to have the Hawks to into a bye week at 4-4. Well.. sorta. Come on, Hawks!
Then later on I headed home. It was great to get out of the city and into the rural areas and press "pause" on the remote of life for a couple days. I think everyone should do that, as well. If you're ever feeling suffocated or tied down to where you are, just get out for a weekend! It'll do wonders.
That's all I really have today.
Oh wait.
I guess I could mention that it's been two years since I had my heart transplant. Fun fact: I had a heart transplant two years ago today. I don't really bring it up as much as I did on social media. I don't really talk about it unless I need to or if I really want to. Which isn't often anymore. It's still weird for me to think about. That's all I really feel like saying about it.
Here are some tunes that I'm listening to at the moment.
Wait - M83
American Pie - Don McLean
Night Moves - Bob Segar
One Thing - One Direction
From Now On - The Features**
Lights On - Big Grams
Revolt - Muse***
When It's Over - Sugar Ray****
Dirty Little Secret - All American Rejects
Waiting on the World to Change - John Mayer*****
Girl Crush - New Politics
New Americana - Halsey
So there you go. (most of the) Links are the song titles. I've been trying to find a specific song lately, but I can't find it anywhere. I was listening to satellite radio (the XM U channel on Sirius fyi) a couple weeks ago, and I heard this really rad song but I can't remember any of it for the life of me. It sort of reminded me of outer space, and every few seconds I heard a small 'beep' sound in the background. Idk. It was cool though. If any people who read my blog also listen to indie music who may have an idea of what that song it, let a girl know, please!
Anyway, I think that's all I have for now! If this stomach virus doesn't kill me, I'll probably blog again soon!
xx
* = pls don't forget I can have best friends who are guys! (:
** = I can't find a link to a music video for this song mostly because this was a song that was made for the Twilight Breaking Dawn soundtrack. But it's on Tumblr, I know that. I think if you search for "the features from now on" and narrow your search to audio posts only, it should be there.
*** = WHY I CAN'T FIND THIS MUSIC VIDEO IS BEYOND ME. I didn't look at their official site (muse.mu) which may be on there. But it's not on YouTube. Try looking on their website. The song is my favorite off their new album!
**** = Mark McGrath will always be my 90's girl crush. Unf. <3
***** = 2006 John Mayer was such a babe. May I repeat: UNF. <3 <3
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