Real talk

So last night was.. weird.

And dumb.

And awful.

And raw.

And emotional.

And scary.

I'm known to get stuck in ruts every once in awhile and last night was one of them. I was having really bad thoughts and I was starting to feel really messed up. I'm in the middle of shooting a wedding today, and I thought I'd use my free moment to talk about it. Mostly for future reference, I guess.

This week has been an interesting one. It started not bad, but one of my friends and I aren't talking to each other on purpose just to see what it's like where we're one without the other for a few days. And it's really doling out some damage to me. It's reminding me that I really am nothing without my extremely close friends and how I would be without that one specifically around.

But speaking of friends... I clearly lack them.

I made a little rant that probably sounded whiny as heck on Tumblr and it was basically something about how I'm always the one who is there for friends but when it comes down to it, they aren't really there for me when I need it. I'm not calling out any specific friends nor am I name dropping.

But honestly.. if you think it's about you, then it probably is. Straight up. I'm not sorry.

It also reminded me that when I'm feeling as down about life as I was, that sometimes I need to be alone and do my own thing. What if in the future I'm also as alone as I felt? I needed to see for myself how I would be when I was by myself.

It wasn't pretty. Last night wasn't pretty.

The night progressed, and I tried to do something creative since I didn't have any friends. I played around with my makeup, and ordered some online. My dad said some choice words to me and I actually believed him because I was feeling so awful about myself. At that point, I would have believed anything negative that was said to me at all.

Then I tried to go to bed super early. Which, spoiler alert, didn't go over well. I mostly ended up crying a lot. Then the bad thoughts about harming myself popped up. I wanted to hurt myself. I was convinced that my life wasn't supposed to happen and I wanted to do something to make my life not be a thing anymore. I wanted to so badly.

I didn't.

I haven't self harmed in over three years and that's a streak that I pray hard to keep it going.

I don't even really know how I haven't slept that much. Probably because I'm a coffee fiend. I waited around for my alarm to go off this morning and I needed to pull myself together because... I'm at a wedding and I'm going to make money today. I have to pull myself together and act like nothing happened last night (which nothing really did happen last night, just bad thoughts screaming a lot).

Generally within my friend group and in the Tumblr universe, I'm sort of an optimist. I'm the one who always wants to help people and be happy. But it very much sucks when the token optimist is the one who feels like junk and wants to end things.

Today/this afternoon is better. Not 100% and I'm still going around with my fake as heck happiness, but I'm not as terrified about things as I was last night and into this morning.

And if anyone is reading this who also feels like you should end things, don't. Doing that is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You're worthy of life. You're worthy of so much. You matter.

1-800-273-8255 is the number for a suicide lifeline in the United States. Go -> here <- for numbers specific to your state and there's also a link to click on if you're international.

I love you.