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Things have been pretty hectic lately! I've been traveling here and there, and I'm at my mom's house in Washington after two months when I just up and left for New
Two months ago, I was sitting at my mom's house in Washington, playing a Nancy Drew game on my computer and watching Bones on the TV for some background noise. I knew exactly which frame in my game I was at and I remember which episode of Bones I was watching. I was treating myself because I had to make a phone call, and my anxiety was AWFUL. It wasn't really the best day for me, but I was trying to make it better by playing a game and putting my show on for the background. It was going pretty well, and I got a message from my boyfriend. I (think) told him about how blah my day was and how I wasn't really the happiest on this day of days, and he said he had to talk to me about something important, and I said to just tell me what he needed to tell me because it couldn't possibly get worse.
Boy was I wrong. Because he broke up with me.
And I remember not caring about my game or my show, and I was in a haze. And then when it sunk in, I remember crying harder than I have in a long time. It was the typical thing you see in one of those teenage coming of age movies; there were tissues covering my bed and the floor, just COVERED in tissues. My bed was unmade (although by default, I HATE made beds and I love messy unmade beds - save your comments about how I should probably make my bed) and honestly, my TV was probably still on. There were going to be clothes everywhere because it's not like I really knew what I was doing when I went to New Jersey.
I didn't want to come back here and seeing my room in that state, and I knew better than to think that my mom cleaned my room. And surprise, I came back home, stalled going into my room, and I finally went in and it was exactly how it was when I left it. I was right. My bed was messy and unmade. There were tissues all over. There were clothes everywhere. My TV was off though, which kind of made me smirk. And I knew what I had to do.
I started to clean up. In went every tissue. In went wrappers of various stuff I ate and thought I threw away. In went all the bad memories. And of course I cried while doing that. It was hard to see the aftermath of a breakup, but I have to keep going.
If you're going through hell, keep going.
And I am. I have been. After I threw away all the garbage, I took my trash out, dusted, made a half ass attempt at making my bed, put my clothes away, started laundry (that I finished today), and today I vacuumed. I didn't take before and after pictures, but that's okay. I don't need a before picture to remind me what my mental state was in the middle of January 2018. I've learned so much in the last two months, mostly that life isn't always rainbows. You're not going to have great days every single day. You're allowed to mourn a breakup for two months because it meant so much to you. You're allowed to make a mess in your room. You're allowed to cry. You're allowed to turn down a date because you don't feel like enough time has passed. You're allowed to hang out with someone and rearrange their words so you won't feel like you're on a date because of the aforementioned reason. You're allowed to feel.
My room looks pretty good now, I'll say. I spent some of this morning in my bed binging Supermarket Sweep on Amazon Prime and once in awhile, I would look around my room and notice how clean it was and how different the vibe was from when I walked in for the first time in awhile. I talked to my mom about it and she said she never went in it one time, not even to clean it (do I know my mom or do I know my mom?). I thought about how different my life is.
And now, here I am. Working on getting through things the best I can. It got to the point where I was so worried about how I was treating myself that I went out and adopted a cat just to keep myself mentally stable. He's got some Munchkin and Scottish Fold in him and I'm 100% convinced that he's related to Taylor Swift's cats even though he looks more Munchkin than anything. He didn't have a name when I got him, so I named him Mookie. Yes, after the baseball player. So he's helped a lot, that's for sure. It really goes to show that animals can help you! Haha no, he's not a service cat or anything like that, but he's very fluffy and sweet and adorable and loves to do that thing where he rubs his head against your leg.
I'm only here for a couple more days though, because then I'm going to Louisiana for an event that's going on, and that'll be fun. Then I'll be back in New York (not New Jersey) and THEN I'll be in London! I'm definitely looking forward to all the things I'm going to be doing this year and honestly, the next couple of years. I think it's going to be a drastic change from the last couple of years, and I need that! I've spent too much time being sad and depressed and mentally ill, and it's time to change 2/3 of that (let's be real, I'll never not be mentally ill haha). It's time to treat myself with the love and respect I deserve. It's time to grow. It's time to keep going. It's time to clean my room.
If anyone is still here with me, here's a virtual high five! You're awesome. As a reward, here's a playlist of the things I'm currently listening to. As always, you can find all of these songs on Spotify! Enjoy.
Cry Me A River - Justin Timberlake
The Lucky One - Taylor Swift
Suga Suga - Baby Bash
Zeal (feat Henry Seeley) - The Belonging Co
The Funeral - Band of Horses
Electric Love - BØRNS
Carry You - Novo Amor
Talk! - The 1975
God's Plan - Drake
There you go! Happy listening if you need some new tunes. <3
xo
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