To start,
I really hate Facebook. I can't stand that stupid website and the only reason why I'm still on it is because I like seeing funny pictures of dogs and looking at pictures in general and looking back on statuses and wall comments I wrote back in the way day. And to look in the private picture albums I have on there from back in the high school days.
I should post a #tbt on there today.
But the thing I also disliked (I say disliked in past tense because I don't hate it anymore) was the memory thing they've included over the last.. I don't know how long. You know, Facebook's version of Time Hop? Yeah that. I generally ignore those pop up's on my feed because I don't care what I did this time last year. But I thought on a whim that I would click the "on this day" thing on the sidebar and see what I was doing on April 14.
Last year was snowing and I had a friend post a comment about how they were wondering what I was doing. This time last year, I was up in the mountains helping myself. So I think me and my homegirl Paige were having fun and making snow angels or snowmen or doing something of the sort.
Two years ago, I was at classes at the college I go to, and I was having a massive breakdown. I remember I got home from what I was doing at work at the time and I fell on the floor crying because I couldn't do it. I couldn't go to work and do classes at once. I had to do one or the other because both was too much for me. I was still in my first year of college and I was in a brand new place and I didn't know anyone. It was pretty tough. And life was about to get a whole lot tougher.
Side note, I'm about to graduate undergrad from that college one year early because I got my booty into gear and stepped it up. I CAN do work and classes at the same time (not literally at the same time, of course). Hard work does pay off.
The thing I pinged on the most was what I was going through three years ago today.
Apparently, on April 14, 2013, I was 200 days self harm free. And I remember how I was feeling then. I wasn't feeling good. I may have implied that I felt good. But I didn't. 200 days is a really awesome milestone and I'm so proud of myself but that doesn't mean I was feeling great or on top of the world. I was going through a lot and I was going to go through a lot worse (now that I'm thinking about it, May has always been a really shlitty month for me - May 2016 let's be friends pls).
The one from three years ago is the one I decided to share onto my feed for my friends and family to see. I'm not sure if I can share it onto my public page, but let me know if you want to read what I posted three years ago because if someone out there is struggling with their self harm, I want them to know that I've been there and I know how you feel.
I'm open about my struggles because I've felt alone with my feelings and I felt like I was the only person who was going through the things I was. I felt alone and stuck. I ignored and declined offers from friends who offered me their ear if I wanted to talk or vent about things and because of that, when I really wanted to talk, I felt alone because they weren't offering anymore. And the absolute worst feeling is feeling like you're alone with how you feel, and I don't want anyone to feel alone. Ever.
Life three years later in 2016 is so much better. I'm thriving and I'm way more happy. I remember last summer, I was so happy some days that my mouth was aching from all of my smiling. I was happy then. And, if it's possible, I'm happier now. Like I said, I got my butt into gear and I'm graduating in 23 days. A year early. And this summer, I'm about to move and go to law school. I'm about to be Elle FREAKING Woods. I want to make a difference. And I'm going to.
So that's why I now used to dislike the memory thing that Facebook does.
It's pretty astounding to look back on the struggles and hardships you were facing and compare it to how you're doing in life now. We aren't who we were three years ago. Yes, we all face tough blocks in our paths, and we try and clear our path the best we can, and sometimes we may need to get some help from a friend. We may even need to extend a hand to someone else who has their own roadblocks.
Everyone is struggling with something in their life, so take the time to listen if they need to talk. Be that little act of kindness because that small offer may be the best thing that happens to them today. Maybe someone got something out of this little post, and if even one person gets something good out of this, then I know I've done my job right.
I love you all. I'm always here if you need to talk, and if you want to talk, there are many hotlines you can call if you need some help if you don't feel safe talking to a friend or family member or school counselor.
You're worthy. And you are loved.
Here's to now being 1,296 days self harm free.
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