Hey friends,

I found this cool link up thing or whatever those are called, called "What's Up Wednesday", I think that's what it is. Basically I just answer eleven questions and you all are supposed to answer the same ones. I thought "aw heck, I'm at the library studying the LAW, I might as well take a break and actually do something fun*".

Ha.

So I'm going to answer these questions. I'm just going to change the "we's" with "I's" because my house isn't the zoo it used to be when I was living in Logan and had ten billion people living with me at any given time. Moving to Salt Lake has its own pro's and con's.

Pro: It's SLC.
Con: It's not a zoo.

Oh well.

Here are the questions:

And here are the answers.

1. I'm not really eating anything different this week. I'm still 100% vegetarian and I'm gearing up to go vegan. I found really delicious vegan ice cream, and vegan cheese is already my favorite kind of cheese, so I'm good on vegan dairy products. Just a lot of fruits and vegetables and knock off, self-made Apple and Green smoothies like Jamba Juice makes. Salad is my new favorite thing to eat, even if it means having to pick out tomatoes. I HATE tomatoes!

2. I'm not really sure. Maybe living in Logan? I go through bouts of missing that dang place often. Logan, Utah is the most magical place ever and I just know I'm going to move back there one of these days. Law school is going to be keeping me in Salt Lake City for the next few years, but I'll move back to Logan at some point in my life. It's too great to move away from and not come back to. I love everyone there so much. The people are so wonderful and nice and warm and welcoming.

3. I'm loving a number of things. I recently re-found one of my messenger bags (it looks sort of like this but not exactly, and I got it for $18 at a music and arts festival in Seattle) and I use it everywhere I go now. It's my new favorite thing. I'm also loving a lot of the new music that's been coming out the last couple of months. I like alternative music the best, and let's just say I'm not hating what I've been hearing.

4. I haven't been up to too much, just working at my internship and gearing up for law school. I was offered a really awesome job just yesterday, and I'm going to accept it. So having three jobs on top of law school next month is going to be keeping me really busy. Plus I've heard that the upcoming 19th season of Big Brother is going to be airing this Fall. Let's just pile on more things to occupy my head, right?

5. I'm not dreading too much. Maybe being too stressed? The extremely hot temperatures here? Nothing really too major on that front.

6. I'm working on law school prep stuff and also working on figuring out what I'm going to eat for the rest of the week. Yes, I meal plan. Some people are into it and some people aren't. It just works for me if I do plans because it helps me remember and so I know I'm not going to eat anything that makes me uncomfy. But sidenote, I'm killing my eating disorders and I'm making major dents in my recovery all around. I sometimes honestly feel like I'm fully recovered, but I know I'm not. I'm close to it though. I'm so close.

7. I'm excited about a ton of things! I'm going to a concert next month with a friend, I'm going to law school (have I said that yet?), my two best friends are dating, and July is almost over!

8. I'm not reading anything that isn't law related right now, and my Netflix and Hulu rotations include NCIS, Bones, Drunk History, and The Joy of Painting. All of those are me in a nutshell if we're being honest. Except maybe not the "drunk" part. But I would probably be a joy to have on that show even when I'm sober. Go me.

9. I'm currently listening to David Bowie. Can we just take a second to realize that right after he died was when all this messy stuff started happening in the world this year? David Bowie was truly the glue holding this world together and you can't convince me otherwise, bye.

10. This weekend, I'm taking my sister down to Provo so she can see some of her Provo and BYU friends, and so she can check out the campus. I don't know her college dreams, but she better go to USU. (:

11. I'm just looking forward to this month being over so I can have a fresh month. And because it's the start of preseason football, which gets me another month closer to actual football. #GoHawks

12. Really, nothing else is new. I went to a concert last night, but that's about it. I'm really not interesting anymore y'all, sorry!

This was fun though! I don't know if I get to answer the same questions every week, but I'll answer the same ones if I need to.

* = Hahahahahahahaha jk! I love the law! The law is so fun!

To myself

I saw yet another thing on Facebook from two years ago and I wrote a status about how life was hard and I didn't want to do it anymore. So I had an idea. Here it goes.

"Dear Lily in July 2014,

First and foremost, I love you. You're incredible and worthy of a wonderful life. The things you were dealing with sucked. It wasn't fair to you that bad thing after bad thing after bad thing happened to you. You of all people didn't deserve that. I wouldn't wish the things you've been through on my worst enemy. You went through a lot of crap and you're still going through a lot of crap.

But you know what? Those things are going to ever so slightly start to decrease. You're going to stop talking to that idiot who you thought liked you. That guy who said would never abandon you and then turn around and do that exact thing. You aren't going to be homeless. Taylor Swift is going to release her song Shake It Off and it's going to become your anthem. Just shake it off, Lily. Shake it off.

One of the biggest things that's going to change your life for the better is that you're going to start college classes again in late August. You're going to start school again and that's going to be the best thing for you. You need to go to school. And you need to go to work. Those are going to be the two things you'll need to keep going. And you know what? You do it. You do work and you do go to school. And you'll start to be happier. It won't be immediate, and you're still going to have bad days, but you're going to have far more good days than bad.

I promise you, it won't always be bad. I'm from July 2016. I promise you with my whole heart, you're going to be happier. In fact, you're going to be the happiest you've ever been. Later on in 2014, you're going to have your best friend Brooklyn live with you before she goes on her mission. You're going to live with your best friend, and who doesn't want that? Exactly. Living with your best friend is going to be the coolest experience for the both of you. Hannah will come over once in awhile and all you're going to do is play Mario Party on the Nintendo 64.

You're going to go to Australia, Lily. AUSTRALIA! Because you found your passport under your bed and wanted to take a trip. You're actually going to fall in love when you're there, but you don't know that yet. You're also going to take advantage of the drinking age and cry a lot. Get ready for that. But it all makes for a funny story afterwards. Like right now I'm laughing over it and texting Brooklyn "remember that guy who hit on me when I was drunk in Australia?". It's not funny to you now though, because it hasn't happened.

Like I said, you're going to fall in love. You're going to fall in love and not even know it, to be honest. It's going to take you a little bit to realize that, but you do. And it's going to add to your happiness. So Lily, don't give up. Life is worth living, no matter how bad you feel right now. It won't always be this way. It's going to get better, and you from the future is a perfect example of that. You aren't homeless anymore. You're going to law school in about a month. You live in Salt Lake City. You have a dog. You have a hedgehog.

You have happiness. And you are so loved. You're so loved, I don't even know how loved I am. Funny how things like that work.

But you're happy and you're thriving. Don't ever give up.

Love, Lily from July 2016."

Best idea I've had today.

The house I called home

I posted a picture on my Instagram yesterday of one of my old houses that I lived in when I was in high school. I moved around a few times when I was a junior in high school, and I lived in that house for the end of junior year and for all of my senior year of high school, until I moved to Utah for school. That house was the best house I ever lived in. Everything about it was so perfect. I mean, we had a projector in the basement and used it as a movie and video game room. How cool is that, right?

Totally!

Well, it got sold. My parents finally sold the thing.

The crappy thing about having divorced parents is that they downgrade completely and that means moving into smaller homes. My dad (and his gross girlfriend) lives one town over from my mom now, and she already closed on a smaller house because it's just her and my brother when he's there (my sister moved here to stay with me for her senior year of high school).

It's sad seeing that house go to other people, especially when I think about the time they lived in Texas when I lived in Texas. I hardly remember living there, honestly. But they kept that house in Washington and got a smaller house there. That they sold when they moved back to Washington soon after I moved back to Utah. It's whatever. Texas is dumb, don't ever go there.

That house was my home. I don't think any place I've lived since or will live will be as good as that house. That was the closest thing to home I've ever got. Until, ya know, when I die and then I go home to see Jesus. But that's, like, another story. And I'm being literal.

But anyway, the memories I had there were the best. The Bake-a-thon 2013 that Brooklyn, Hannah, Maddie, Shelby, Brielle, and Maddy will understand is always the first thing that comes to my head. Water balloon fights outside. The slip 'n slide. The freaking treehouse that's in the backyard that my sister and I wanted to live in for an entire summer but we couldn't because my parents heard on the news of a murderer being on the loose.

Freaking sneaking out at night and getting into cars owned by older high school and college aged boys and kissing them. It's fine. We'd kiss for awhile and then we'd go get Taco Bell or something. And then I'd sneak back it like a cliche, coming of age teenage movie starring Hilary Duff as me, probably. Just kidding. Probably Anna Sophia Robb. She's my celeb twin. Get over it.

I know I'll never go back to Washington because I have no need, but I loved that house. That was my house. It'll always be my house. Years from now, I want to maybe eventually go back there and talk to the owners and talk to them about all the adventures and fun times I had there. Plus on the bright side of all of this, my mom wants to move to Utah somewhere. Possibly in Logan, or possibly near where I live now. It's up in the air because of my brother and all of the things that she and my dad have set up, but I would LOVE if she took my brother and moved them down here.

Then I really wouldn't have a need for that place anymore. How absolutely fantastic of a thought is that?! (:

Anyway, I just wanted to talk about my old house and how much of a home it actually was. Plus it got me through summer 2013, and that was a very bad year for my health. Not as bad as summer 2014, but pain wise, it was the worst. I'm doing better though. I love where I live and the area is quite adorable.

Time flies

Originally, I wanted to write out this post about the hoe-like things I did in high school that essentially was me sneaking out of the house at like, two in the morning to get into the cars of other high school boys and drive off to some location for a few hours. I never really told anyone about that, nor about the things I'd do with those boys*.

I mean, it wasn't anything ~super bad~ but like.. I wouldn't do that stuff now if I could go back in time. And hey, a lot of times, we'd end up at Taco Bell and got something to eat before I got dropped off at my house. The funny thing about that is that with each guy I did that with, we never talked at school. We just went on by in our little high school lives.

I probably did that with a few high school guys and a couple college aged guys.

It's whatever. I don't do that anymore.

This morning I was puttering around Facebook and checked out the "On This Day" thing that I always forget to look at, but always want to look at. Today, two years ago, I was on my way back to Logan, also on my way to not being homeless anymore. That was such a trip to see and read. I remember that part like it was yesterday. I think at that point I didn't care what was happening to me (I needed brain surgery), I just wanted to be back in my cute little townhouse in the Cache Valley.

And that happened. And then I got brain surgery. Then I had like, a forty minute conversation with the guy I liked/was pretty much forced to get over (lol @ him). I don't know. I've been sort of thinking about him lately, which is garbage because every time I think about him, I get really angry for a few days until I somehow make myself stop.

He and I never dated, nor did really any guy I've ever liked, but I act like I dated all of them because I don't talk to any of them and they don't talk to me. But I've really only had two real boyfriends. Probably because I'm "crazy". Oh well. It's fine.

Anyway, this entire month for me is so weird because of 2014. That was the stupidest year of my life, and I'm sad that it still has a hold on me. For more than one reason, it'll always have a hold on me. I've accepted that long ago, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, because it'll always hurt.

I think this is the most open I've been about that month and that year in awhile, and that says a lot, because I hardly talked about it above. I'd really like to make a post about that entire year and go month by month, but all of that is really personal and I'd name drop and call people names and blow up, and I don't want to do that. I'm pretty public about things, but I don't need to be public about things on here all the time. So I might make that a private word blog post.

Basically, time is flying and I couldn't be more happy. I recently moved away from Logan into the Salt Lake area, and I'm so so blessed. My sister is living with me for her senior year, and she's got a cute little romance with a guy who works at a fro yo shop. I recently added another member to my family and got a hedgehog. Her name is Alice and she's a total doll. Bear, my dog, even gets along with her. I recently got my dream internship/job that's going to look so awesome on my resume. This is my last month of "freedom", as I go from a 0L to a 1L (in law school terms, someone who has been accepted to a first year student) AKA start law school.

I think the term I can use right now in my life is "thrive". I'm thriving and I'm doing well with my eating disorders and my health (it's as good as it's been in a really long time) and I'm feeling pretty good. I have the three f's in my life (faith, family, friends <- in that order) and... I'm just happy and thriving in my life.

July 2016 > July 2014

* = maybe like.. some stuff.... but not a lot of stuff... lol just ask me yourself if you really wanna know

July 4

Hello, blog readers. Sorry it's been awhile since I've been on here. I took a lot of last month to move and take time for myself and that meant not blogging for a little bit. Don't worry, I'm still on here. I've also been trying to find law-related internships to I can make my resume really pretty come law school and beyond.

Anyway, that's probably not what people want to read about.

July 4 isn't really one of those fun holidays that everyone seems to always have, from what I see on my Facebook feed or my Instagram timeline or even all the memes on Tumblr. It used to be one of those fun get together holidays when I was younger, and my family would all be together at a home of a family member that was on the beach and all of us kids would have a blast playing around with each other on the water and then we'd all fall asleep before or during the firework show.

Recently, it hasn't been like that. This month is always tough for me, and it's been tough for me for the last two years.

I was homeless two years ago this month. The circumstances were out of my hands and I had no power in it. Things happened the way they did and I have no ill will to the people who left me homeless, honestly. They're wonderful people and to this day, they feel bad about it. Who I do have ill will towards is my dad and the family members he brainwashed to make me seem like The Worst Person Ever.

I had nowhere to go and no one to stay with where I was. Ironically, I was left smack in the middle of my hometown in Washington State. My hometown is pretty big, but I had no friends there at the time. I didn't know what to do, and the guy I liked at the time told me that we could hang out, but only for the day because he was active military at that time. Which was so nice at the time, but I needed shelter for more than just a day.

He sucks now, but that was a really nice gesture. Thanks boo.

My friend who went to the University of Washington campus in Tacoma saved me for a little while, and let me live with her in her dorm for a few days while I tried to find a place with what very little money I had with me. I had given my dad $8000 of my own money to put into his bank account because I was really hesitant to put it into mine, and when I learned I needed to leave, I asked my dad if he could give me my money so I could just get a plane ticket back to Utah because that would have saved everything.

He didn't do that though. And that essentially left me homeless.

I couldn't find a place with the money I had, so my friend dropped me off back in my hometown and that was that. I camped out at a Starbucks until closing, trying my best to find something, anything, that would give me a roof over my head. All I wanted was a roof over my head.

If you enter my hometown "the front way", you have to drive under this massive bridge. Massive because it's so high up. I remember walking along it that night after Starbucks closed and I thought how easy it would be if I just jumped off it*. I was so close to jumping off that bridge, it wasn't funny. I don't know what sort of force kept me from jumping off of it, but I didn't.

I kept walking.

I entered a little park and I slept in my luggage overnight. That's what I did.

A miracle came to me in the form of my friend who was going to school in Tacoma, and she saved my life. I can't remember too much after that (that time in my life is a major blur) but I remember being in a hotel. I remember my dad calling me because I also needed brain surgery and he knew that. Eventually I got back into Utah, the guy I liked completely ripped my heart out, I got brain surgery, and I was put back into where I lived in Utah.

I'm lucky. I was only really homeless for a short amount of time. Many people aren't that lucky and have been homeless for a very long time. I think about that time in my life very often and I could hardly last a day outside at night, and I don't know what I would have done if I was out there longer. I'm grateful to have a warm house to live in, I'm grateful to have running water, I'm grateful for the roof over my head, I'm grateful that I have clothes that fit me to wear, I'm grateful for my family who stuck by me, I'm grateful for the friends who have stayed in my life, and I'm grateful for my amazing Heavenly Father who has a plan for me, even if that means being homeless.

And I'm extremely grateful for my friend who snatched me up and took me back to Tacoma.

B, I love you so much and there isn't one day that passes where I don't thank you.

The summer of 2014 wasn't easy for me, and 90% of that entire year wasn't easy for me. But when you recover from brain surgery, talk to an idiot guy and get him out of your life, and go back to school, things get a lot better.

I'm blessed and I'm lucky.

Today I'm sitting at my desk listening to the new Bastille song with happy tears falling down my face because I'm blessed, I'm lucky, and I'm happy. I'm not healthy and I won't ever be, but I'm lucky.

I have the best people in my life, and I'm lucky.

* = that bridge was popular for jumpers. There's a high fence on the sides now to prevent jumping.