There's been a lot of things happening in my life lately that I'm sure a lot of people are confused about. I think people on Instagram know, but I don't know if a lot of people outside of those people know too much unless I told them. And honestly, not everyone there knows.
I was very brief for a few reasons.
1. I didn't know what I felt comfortable sharing and omitting.
2. Not everyone needs to know everything.
3. I was (and still am) processing a lot.
But I hope that this clears a lot of things up. Please be kind.
I'm going to start this whole entire story in January. January ruined me, straight up. My boyfriend at the time broke up with me, and that was... very hard for me to deal with. To be honest, it still is hard for me to deal with, as pathetic as that might make me sound, but I don't care. When it comes to dealing with hard things, such as a breakup, I'm not really... a kind of person who deals with things in a positive way. When it comes to any kind of 'conflict', I tend to shut down and literally run from it. In January, I moved to Hoboken, New Jersey.
I wasn't really sure if what I was doing was the right thing, but I didn't really care. I didn't care about anything. I was so numb, but I was in so much pain at the same time. I don't even know where the pain was, but my brain was registering it as such. My health was very quickly declining, and I remember spending what felt like years in bed, throwing up. I threw up so much, I think I was dry heaving more than anything.
More than that, I felt like I shouldn't be alive. I tried to put a brave face on for the world, but now that I look back on that, I don't think I tried at all. I had it instilled in my head that I shouldn't be alive. Why I felt that way after a guy broke up with me, I'm not sure. But he was special to me (he still is - spoiler alert). I knew in my heart of hearts that I was going to marry him, no matter the circumstances that we were in. I had a super unrealistic idea that everything would be butterflies and rainbows and sparkles, but I was quite literally blinded by love. <- I think that even now, that's a very important and healthy thing for me to realize.
Even now, in November, it's so hard for me to still realize that.
Originally, I moved to Hoboken to heal. I actually wanted to live in New York (I went between New York and Boston for awhile ((it was probably like half an hour)) before I settled on New York, but AirBnb'd it in Hoboken, because NYC is just across the river, blah blah) so I could heal from it. Like I said, I literally run from conflict and my feelings (until my feelings catch up to me) and I needed to go through the motions and heal from it (you're going to hear that word a lot... heal).
One of my very best friends from Utah, her name is Paige, was living in Manhattan with her husband (and cute cat) and tried so hard to convince me to move in with them and figure things out and go from there. I kept on saying no, because I was in such a rough place and didn't want them to have to deal with me on top of things like work and grad school and their own social lives, but she didn't care and told me that they both wanted me with them because I was quickly spending money on various Airbnb's, and no, I didn't know what I was going to do once my money ran out.
So I moved in with them. And after some time, I learned that she and her husband would sometimes take the train from New York to Washington DC, and that sparked my liking of going to Washington DC once in awhile. It was there, at a cafe in Washington DC that I re-met Josh. You know the story of how we got together, got engaged, and got married, so I'll spare that part. Me, sparing the happy parts. Go figure, right?
I believe everything this time around started in September. I was doing some job training and I was in Portland, Oregon for quite awhile, and he and I didn't see each other much in that time at all. I'm not sure what sparked this series of events, but I went to go see Taylor Swift in Arlington, Texas. And when I came back, he was pissed. I mean he was... so angry. And I'm not really sure why, because yes, I did go see a concert on days where I wasn't doing anything and yes, I could have gone home to see him. He knew ahead of time that I was going to go, because I had had these tickets for quite some time in advance and I didn't feel like selling them (plus she sang my favorite song, like how could I not have gone?).
He took some time after that to calm down and not be angry for basically no reason, and then he and I talked like normal people, in a quiet setting, and we just talked about what happened. He apologized about... a million times, and he seemed genuinely sincere about it so I accepted his apology and we moved on. And we both did, like that never happened again and things were really really REALLY good.
And then... it wasn't.
Out of the blue, he didn't come home one night. He was working late jobs that kept him away at night, but this was a night where he should have been home. He wasn't home the next day, so I texted him. And I texted him. And I texted him. He eventually told me that he was he was done with everything and didn't want to be married to me anymore. I was gone for work for a couple of days, and when I came back, a lot of his things were gone. Not everything was gone, but it was enough to where I realized that he 100% meant what he was saying. I did figure that he probably wasn't going to be gone for a really long time, because he left his dog with the other pets we have at the house (we had a sitter, no worries).
What I know more than almost anything is how much he loves his dog. He's had him since long before he met me, and he's a very good pup. His name is Kitchen, and no, I don't know why his name is Kitchen either. There's not a lot of people who he loves more than Kitchen, so that immediately told me that he would more than likely be coming back at some point and just needs some time.
I don't know why, if that's the fact, that he could communicate to me that he needs time or some space away from me. I would completely understand if he needed time away from me (even I can admit that I can be a handful sometimes) if only he talked to me about things. I've always known from what I've seen and what people told me (and what I've later learned from a first hand experience) that communication is THE MOST important part of being married. You can't resolve conflict if you don't talk about it, and all I've ever wanted is to resolve conflict between us.
But he just...... left. And I've told this to people before, so if I sound like a broken record because you know this already, I'm sorry but there was no change in him between that huge argument we had and when he left. Things were really great, and his personality was the same, his moods were the same, his tone when he talked was the same, the way he carried himself was the same, EVERYTHING was the same, and to this day, I can't figure out when that spark in him switched.
Again, I've said this, but the last time we took time to sit down and talk about something was when we were talking about adopting and how excited the both of us were. Obviously that's being put on hold for right now, but I know that God has a hand in that process and I trust when the time is right to start up on that again, and clearly there's a reason why that part had to happen. Maybe we wouldn't have been matched up with a child as soon as I had hoped, but I try not to think about us and the adoption process because that makes my chest hurt and want to collapse because yes, you can adopt as a single parent, but this was something that we shared together. This was ours. And it's not ours at this time, and that's just a lot for me to handle. That part really hurts and I'd rather not talk further about that right now.
I really would love to know when he changed his mind with things and I know I'll probably never know, but gosh it would be nice to know. So knowing all of that, and with all the things that I never properly healed from from earlier this year, I really did snap. And I snapped really hard.
It took a little bit of time, but I moved all of the "big things" and some "medium things" I had in my house and I moved all of them into a storage unit. I took some more "medium things" that I had and I put them in my room at my mom's. The "little things" I either sold or ended up leaving at my house with some big things that couldn't be moved. Everything else (clothes and other little things that I would need) I either threw away or packed into two luggages and a carry on.
And I moved to Auckland, New Zealand at the very beginning of the month.
I leave because I want to be in a neutral location to clear my mind, with the less people I know, the better. The less people I know, the less I have to talk about how I feel and other things that'll make me cry. It might sound a little harsh if you're reading this and you're a family member or a friend of mine, but that's how I deal with my sadness. I shut down and then I shut everyone out and give people as little details as possible because it's me being less of a burden.
Yes, I know exactly two people here, and I live with them. My aunt and uncle are wonderful people and I feel nothing but love from them, but it's hard to accept it because at this point, anyone who tells me they love me in any context feels like a trap. Every day I've had here is a really hard and stressful day, but I know that I'll allow myself to stop going to bed before the sun sets (I go to bed when it's still daytime because I get the most sad at night, and if I can avoid that then I will - the only time I've gone to bed after dark was after I saw Taylor Swift in Auckland a couple of days ago) and I'll let myself make friends and we'll hang out and be dorks at night.
One day, I'll allow myself to go to the beach and read my scriptures in privacy and then I'll take the time to journal out my thoughts in peace.
One day, I'll learn how to cross the streets without almost getting ran over because the drive on the other sides of the roads here.
One day, I'll go back to Hobbiton (it's a lot of fun there).
One day, I'll go out of my comfort zone.
One day, I won't be so cold to the world that's been cold to me.
One day, the sad Taylor Swift songs won't be as sad.
One day, I might get the balls to bungee jump off the Sky Tower (yes, I know it looks like a syringe).
No, I probably won't spend over $20,000 to go on that cruise to Antarctica, but a person can dream, right?
One day, I'll go to a rugby match.
One day, these things will make sense.
One day, it won't hurt anymore.
One day, I'll have found self love.
One day, I'll have healed completely.
One day, I'll be at peace.
And that'll most likely be the day when I go back to the States. I don't know when that day will be, and while it probably won't happen for a very long time, that's the goal I have. I feel like it's a very good goal, because it's actually a realistic goal for my life.
And that's a very good starting point.
I don't really know who's reading this or where you came from (I don't check the stats of this blog too much), but I want the person reading this to know that you're loved so much. And here's a gentle reminder to always be kind to others. We might not look like it, but all of us are fighting a battle we don't know about. We don't know what others go home to, so I always feel like it's important to show a little kindness to people. It does make a difference.
xo
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