Okay. Real talk for a minute or two. Warning: this may be an "all over the place" post because I'm literally just now realizing it and I'm wanting to document it for me and the world to see. Maybe others need this nugget of knowledge (I say 'nugget of knowledge' a lot, you've also been warned) or need a little reminder. One more warning: this also is a little bit personal, but I tried to not delve into details or anything or name drop because dat ain't classy. Or maybe it is, who knows. But here it goes.
Ready?
I need to stop being so mean.
Many many people might be med to believe that I'm a super nice, uplifting, and positive girl. And not to sound cocky, but I am. I like to think of myself as uplifting and positive. That's another reason why I chose to go faceless when it comes to social media. I want to make others happy and remind people that it's not always a bad life. That doesn't require my face. That requires words. Maybe that's answered your undying question of "Lily, where's your face? Were you born with one?" and the answer to the second question is no, I was not born with a face*.
But seriously. I don't often think of myself as super nice. I can be really mean, especially to one girl in particular. And you know what's disgusting about it? She and I have never once met, and I don't even think that she knows I exist. Yet I'm so mean to her. I'm extremely bitter and have nothing but awful things to say towards her and I'm just now (sadly) realizing that it needs to stop... especially when I've had words to say to her since like.. August.
I know her name (which won't be said) but I call her the wonderful** name of Skank Bitch. Which is even more mean. I have never once said one nice thing to her. And you know why I don't like her? It's because of a stupid freaking guy. I'm letting an idiot guy be my excuse as to why I don't like her. She has never flat out given me a reason to hate her (I'll say it again: I truly don't think she knows I exist) and here I am, spouting off hate and rudeness to her.
She shouldn't have those words be said to her by me and the fact that I haven't let it go yet even though I've moved completely on says a lot about my level of maturity. You're generally thought of as more mature when you've actually moved on and not held any anger, right?
Well... call me an immature thirteen year old, I guess. Because it seems to me (literally just now) that I haven't allowed myself to fully move on. And some of that is the guy's fault, but I can't really blame anyone but myself because putting full blame on someone else makes it worse. The way he did the thing that he did was extremely short and to the point, and I compare it to ripping off the bandaid really quickly and then you're left to deal with the pain for a little bit.
The idiot jerk I used to like tore the bandaid off really slowly. This guy didn't. He ripped it off, held out his hand to help me up, and then walked away completely and I wasn't ready for that. Rather, I wasn't used to it. I didn't know how to deal with it. And I guess I'm still sort of lost, wandering around and not knowing what to do.
Letting go completely is what I need to do. Be happy for him that he found someone he likes. Just because a guy doesn't like you doesn't mean you're not beautiful or anything of the sort. I am beautiful. Who cares what ONE PERSON thinks about me? Just because someone who used to like you isn't in your life anymore doesn't mean you're not beautiful because you are. Me. I am. I am beautiful and I don't need someone to tell me that.
His girlfriend. She's beautiful too (see, this is me trying to drop the 'Skank Bitch' stuff and just say 'his girlfriend'). And I should be happy that he's happy. We all deserve happiness and someone who makes us happy. And I found someone who makes me happy. And he's really super awesome! And there are people out there who are probably happy that I'm happy and who aren't bitter in the least.
Twenty one days into 2015 and I finally figured out what I want to accomplish this year.
Be less bitter and be more happy for people. And move the heck on! Grow up and act a little less like a thirteen year old and more like a twenty year old!
* = I was born totally faceless, like in that Doctor Who episode where the chick in the TV literally sucks everyone's face off right before Queen Elizabeth's coronation? Definitely like that.
** = more like wonderfully rude and horrible.
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