//first off, phew, I have loved this small blogging break I gave myself after sorority recruitment. I'm happy to say it's all over, I got into the sorority I wanted {I'll blog that at some point}, and all is back to normal without blogging different outfits for five straight days. Yikes I could never be a real fashion blogger haha! Also I know I forgot to link what shoes I was wearing in my Day Five outfit. It's all from ModCloth and super easy to find. Just go to "shoes" and then go to specifically "red shoes" and they should be there. Blah blah END SCENE//
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Three years ago today, I made a choice. It was a hard choice, but I did it and it led me down the path that has put me where I am at this moment.
I decided to stop self harming.
I was a cutter. I would cut my wrists, thighs, shoulders, and stomach. To this day, I have scars on those locations of my body. And I have accepted that I'll always have them. I'm not proud of what I did, but I'm proud that I stopped. I'm proud that with all the things I've been through since September 26th, 2012, I haven't picked up another razor blade and cut skin.
But did I want to? Absolutely.
I had "emergency" blades hidden throughout wherever I lived, just in case I needed to. At times, I would actually go and grab one and put it to my skin. But I never pressed down and cut. I never had the heart to*. I wanted to build good self control. And I have built good self control. Heck, it's incredible self control. I go through times even know where I think "wow, if I was still doing that stuff now, I would totally do it" because I'm so stressed and angry (or feeling any negative thought, really) and I know that that gave me a sense of relief.
But I know that it would never be worth it. Not once. I compare it easily to my addiction I had with prescription pain killers. That's a post for an entirely different day, but it was an addiction. And it was bad both times I was addicted to them. Sure, you could do it. But you know deep down that it wouldn't be worth it if you did. It might feel good at first. But you spiral out of control so quickly you don't even know what you're doing.
Which is why I know I'll never pick up a razor blade again.
And it's also why I know when to stop taking pain killers (unless I actually need them. I don't have prescription medication for no reason).
Life is really good. I can't stress that enough. I'm glad I made that choice to stop three years ago. No, life didn't get better after that. Or not immediately after that. I was still hurting a lot and it wasn't going to get better. In fact, it was going to get way worse. But I still held on to self control.
And over time.. the hurt has gotten less. I still think about things that happened, mostly because these things aren't something you just "forget". I've accepted them, yes. And right now in life, I'm so happy. Most days my mouth hurts because I smile so often. I smile and I'm genuinely happy. Yet again, here I am saying that I have the best people in my life. I think about my family and friends and the people I love, and then I think about how much pain I was putting them through as well when I was hurting myself.
Especially my younger sister. She witnessed a lot of things; things I would never wish on her (or anyone) and I truly wish I could have been a better sister in our teen/tween years. I'm so happy that we've grown closer as sisters and are built in best friends.
I love //most// of my family. I love my friends.
I love milestones.
I love life.
xx
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