Happy June 13! I know that no one is really going to understand what's so special about June 13, but let me tell you how much meaning it has for me personally. Two things happened to me at two different times in my life that were completely life changing.
On June 13, 2012, I was in the hospital. In 2012, I was really struggling with my weight and eating disorders. I was in the hospital because I weighed only eighty six pounds. In 2012, I knew I was struggling with my eating, and I didn't want anyone to help me. I thought that I could handle it on my own and help myself, so I lashed out at people who would genuinely try to help me. But no, I was stubborn and insisted I could fix myself.
I learned that sometimes you may need someone to help you out along the way. And it doesn't make you a bad person if you admit defeat and reach out for help. I didn't do that, and it got to the point where people interfered and helped me, for me, not caring about any tantrum I may have thrown.
My body was almost completely shut down four years ago today. My heart was already bad to begin with, and this wasn't helping it at all. I didn't know it at the time (and now I fully understand), but your heart could stop at any given time when you have a weight that low with the body type that I had (I'm 5'2"). I didn't know that, and when I learned that when I got out, it terrified me.
Four years later, I'm doing better. I don't weigh eighty six pounds anymore. I'm not 100% better, and spoiler alert for mostly me, it's never going to get better. I may be able to eat pizza without feeling bad (most of the time), but I'm always going to think about it in the back of my head. Things like that aren't something you get rid of. It's always going to be there with you even when you are fully healed (and this is simply my opinion - if you think differently then that's you).
Three years ago, on June 13, 2013, I graduated high school. Something I never thought I would have done. I thought I was going to be dead a year before. But I accomplished something that I never thought I'd do, and I'll always be proud of myself for that. Also a year before, 2012, I attempted suicide three times. And each time didn't work. At the time, I was so angry that each time didn't work. I can't even remember how angry I was.
But now, I'm so happy that it didn't happen. I'm so happy and SO blessed to still be here. I mean, I freaking graduated high school! That was one of my proudest moments, and while I still faked my happiness more times than I didn't, the pictures of my graduation that are on my Facebook account are of my genuinely being happy. I tackled a lot over the course of my senior year of high school, and I killed it. And I walked away from high school with flying colors.
Those are really the only two major things to happen to me on June 13. I always make time to remember those two things because they're so important to me. Some things like recovering or graduating deserve to be remembered because they're a major part of your life and they're also a part of you. Don't be afraid to celebrate life or that you graduated high school three years ago. I know I'm going to be making a post just like this one year from now.
I love you all so much.
June 13
Friday, June 10, 2016
Today is a really good day for me.
Why is that?
I officially got my last name changed. No, I didn't get married. No, I don't plan on getting married for a long time. I honestly probably won't get married until I'm around... forty. So boys, you all can stop lining up to propose to me.
lolz.
But really, this is really serious to me, even though it's a good thing. I filled out some paperwork, I paid some money, and now my last name isn't what it was. I never thought I'd ever do something like this, to be honest. I always thought I would float about in life with my last name until I got married and then I'd change my last name to whatever last name my husband has.
I was born with my dad's last name.
I have my mom's maiden name now.
It's funny, because when I was born, my mom was so out of it on pain meds that I actually had her maiden name on my birth paper until it was changed probably around the time I started school. And now it's my last name.
My dad is not a good man. In fact, he's an awful man. And that sounds bad to some people, I'm sure, but it's the truth. I grew up in what you'd call a "typical" LDS family. I have a younger sister and a younger brother. My parents loved each other and they loved us. And to me, all of that changed when I graduated high school and moved to Provo, Utah to attend school at BYU.
After that, everything changed. My dad and I had an incredible relationship. I had a lot of the same interests he did, and he was one of the people who made me think "wow, teaching sounds pretty cool" because he's a teacher. He loved working on cars, so naturally I wanted to learn about cars so I could work on them with him. I remember when I was around seventeen, I was going through a lot of personal things in my life. I was being abused in several different ways, and I was just done with a lot of things.
He bought a 1958 Edsel from a friend that badly needed repair (then again - that entire model wasn't great to begin with) and we worked on it together. I remember working on cars with him took my mind off of a lot of things. We eventually got it not 100% restored, but 98%. I was so proud of it because it was one of the things I had a big hand in doing. It wasn't a "Lil, pass me that wrench" type of thing, it was a "Get in there, kid, and work on that engine" type of thing.
He also had a Mustang from 1957 that he let me drive to school because a person who won't be named smashed my car windows and they needed to be replaced. And I have this sheepish smile on my face right now at the thought of that memory because I remember feeling so boss pulling up to school in it.
Anyway, we had really good memories up until I graduated. To this day I don't know what happened, but my safe assumption is that he got mad at me because I grew up and moved. I was going to move to Utah and not be at home, where I had been for the last eighteen years. I didn't really think I completely believed that theory, but he's been getting snippy at my sister, who will be a senior in high school in the fall. Not only that, but she's moving here to finish out school.
I changed my last name because my dad left me homeless almost two years ago exactly. It'll be two years in July. I had $8000 of my own money that I didn't feel comfortable putting into my bank account, so I asked him if he could put it in his. Which ultimately was the biggest mistake of my life, because when I was about to be homeless when I was in my hometown for that summer, I needed to go home to Utah. I needed money for a plane ticket, and he wouldn't give it to me.
I changed my last name because my dad has told me countless times that he wishes I was never born.
I changed my last name because my dad yells at me every time I talk to him instead of talks normally.
I changed my last name because my dad wouldn't always let me talk to my mom when she was sick.
I changed my last name because my dad told me recently to drink bleach.
I changed my last name because my dad has told me to kill myself.
I changed my last name because my dad has a girlfriend (no, my parents' divorce isn't finalized yet) who's closer in age to me than him*.
I changed my last name because I refuse to have the same last name asmy dad that person.
I don't live that "typical" LDS life (and let's be real - the cookie cutter LDS life has never been for me) and I haven't since I was eighteen. Most dad's are there for you when you have major heart surgeries. Most dad's are there for you when you undergo a heart transplant. Most dad's are there for you when you have a baby.
Mine wasn't. Mine never will. I've accepted that, and eventually I'll get a father figure in my life, but now is not that time. And I'm okay with that, but I'm a really independent person who doesn't need to be tied down to anyone. Do I like someone? I mean.. duh. But I don't see wedding plans anytime soon at all whatsoever.
Having a new last name is so.. freeing. I feel free. I feel liberated. I don't feel a dark storm cloud following me everywhere I go anymore. I don't feel like I'm going to be verbally abused out of nowhere. I feel incredible.
So, allow me sort of re-introduce myself.
My name is Lillian Kate. My last name used to begin with an N, but now it begins with a B.
You may call me Lillian, but I typically like Lily or Lil, if you're feeling casual.
I'm the same in many ways, but now I'm very different.
I'm free from chains.
* = For the record, I'm twenty one.
Why is that?
I officially got my last name changed. No, I didn't get married. No, I don't plan on getting married for a long time. I honestly probably won't get married until I'm around... forty. So boys, you all can stop lining up to propose to me.
lolz.
But really, this is really serious to me, even though it's a good thing. I filled out some paperwork, I paid some money, and now my last name isn't what it was. I never thought I'd ever do something like this, to be honest. I always thought I would float about in life with my last name until I got married and then I'd change my last name to whatever last name my husband has.
I was born with my dad's last name.
I have my mom's maiden name now.
It's funny, because when I was born, my mom was so out of it on pain meds that I actually had her maiden name on my birth paper until it was changed probably around the time I started school. And now it's my last name.
My dad is not a good man. In fact, he's an awful man. And that sounds bad to some people, I'm sure, but it's the truth. I grew up in what you'd call a "typical" LDS family. I have a younger sister and a younger brother. My parents loved each other and they loved us. And to me, all of that changed when I graduated high school and moved to Provo, Utah to attend school at BYU.
After that, everything changed. My dad and I had an incredible relationship. I had a lot of the same interests he did, and he was one of the people who made me think "wow, teaching sounds pretty cool" because he's a teacher. He loved working on cars, so naturally I wanted to learn about cars so I could work on them with him. I remember when I was around seventeen, I was going through a lot of personal things in my life. I was being abused in several different ways, and I was just done with a lot of things.
He bought a 1958 Edsel from a friend that badly needed repair (then again - that entire model wasn't great to begin with) and we worked on it together. I remember working on cars with him took my mind off of a lot of things. We eventually got it not 100% restored, but 98%. I was so proud of it because it was one of the things I had a big hand in doing. It wasn't a "Lil, pass me that wrench" type of thing, it was a "Get in there, kid, and work on that engine" type of thing.
He also had a Mustang from 1957 that he let me drive to school because a person who won't be named smashed my car windows and they needed to be replaced. And I have this sheepish smile on my face right now at the thought of that memory because I remember feeling so boss pulling up to school in it.
Anyway, we had really good memories up until I graduated. To this day I don't know what happened, but my safe assumption is that he got mad at me because I grew up and moved. I was going to move to Utah and not be at home, where I had been for the last eighteen years. I didn't really think I completely believed that theory, but he's been getting snippy at my sister, who will be a senior in high school in the fall. Not only that, but she's moving here to finish out school.
I changed my last name because my dad left me homeless almost two years ago exactly. It'll be two years in July. I had $8000 of my own money that I didn't feel comfortable putting into my bank account, so I asked him if he could put it in his. Which ultimately was the biggest mistake of my life, because when I was about to be homeless when I was in my hometown for that summer, I needed to go home to Utah. I needed money for a plane ticket, and he wouldn't give it to me.
I changed my last name because my dad has told me countless times that he wishes I was never born.
I changed my last name because my dad yells at me every time I talk to him instead of talks normally.
I changed my last name because my dad wouldn't always let me talk to my mom when she was sick.
I changed my last name because my dad told me recently to drink bleach.
I changed my last name because my dad has told me to kill myself.
I changed my last name because my dad has a girlfriend (no, my parents' divorce isn't finalized yet) who's closer in age to me than him*.
I changed my last name because I refuse to have the same last name as
I don't live that "typical" LDS life (and let's be real - the cookie cutter LDS life has never been for me) and I haven't since I was eighteen. Most dad's are there for you when you have major heart surgeries. Most dad's are there for you when you undergo a heart transplant. Most dad's are there for you when you have a baby.
Mine wasn't. Mine never will. I've accepted that, and eventually I'll get a father figure in my life, but now is not that time. And I'm okay with that, but I'm a really independent person who doesn't need to be tied down to anyone. Do I like someone? I mean.. duh. But I don't see wedding plans anytime soon at all whatsoever.
Having a new last name is so.. freeing. I feel free. I feel liberated. I don't feel a dark storm cloud following me everywhere I go anymore. I don't feel like I'm going to be verbally abused out of nowhere. I feel incredible.
So, allow me sort of re-introduce myself.
My name is Lillian Kate. My last name used to begin with an N, but now it begins with a B.
You may call me Lillian, but I typically like Lily or Lil, if you're feeling casual.
I'm the same in many ways, but now I'm very different.
I'm free from chains.
* = For the record, I'm twenty one.
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Another one opens.
I can't fathom how many times that saying has calmed me down from certain scenarios. This week being one of them. Today was the last day of school, and the last day of me being a teacher. For the last two school years, I've been a teacher to the coolest first graders in the entire world.
I just came onto the blog after making a post on my Tumblr (link to that is in the sidebar) about how sad I am about it, because I'm terribly heartbroken about it. The journey I went on to becoming a teacher took a little while, but I'm proud of myself for doing what I've wanted to do for awhile. There aren't many things I'm proud of myself for doing (self confidence levels), but being a teacher and being a photographer are the two things that make me proud.
Teaching and photography are the two things that have always come naturally to me. My parents were teachers, and my dad still is. My mom has been sick for a long while now, and before that, she was a teacher and then she ran a daycare. I've been around teaching and kids for a majority of my life, and I didn't think I wanted to be a teacher at first, no matter how I thought about it.
When I was at BYU, I wanted to be a social worker. Then I realized that that wasn't for me and that I wanted to be a psychologist instead, so I went ahead and majored in Psychology. Then I wanted to major in Photography. Then I moved. Then I moved back to Utah. It was between then that I realized I wanted to work with kids, but I didn't know what specifically I wanted to do, so I tried the Family Life major. It wasn't for me, and I knew that.
After a little bit, I finally settled with my Elementary Education major, emphasizing in Social Studies. And I double majored in Elementary Education and Art (emphasizing in Photography). I finally had all of that figured out, and I was so happy that I was able to know what I wanted to do. It was awesome. And being able to teach in the 2014-2015 and the 2015-2016 school years were the best. Like I said, it came so naturally to me.
These were the two things that were so fluid to me and I understood how things worked and how they didn't. When I didn't know something, I wasn't afraid to ask questions for once. Teaching and photography are the two most rewarding things, because it's not just about me. It's about others. It's about the kids, it's about the parents, it's about the people who tell their stories while getting their picture taken.
I just want to help kids get smarter and to listen to what people have to say through images. Those are so important to me and I want to do it more and more. Putting those two things (moreso teaching) on the back burner breaks my heart. I'm not going to stop photography, but I am going to not be doing it as much when I go to law school, because I hear that law school is incredibly time consuming and I hear that it's easy to not even have a job in the first year because it's going to take up all your time. So I'm going to take that advice and not photograph as much. However, since it really is my main source of income, I won't be quitting all together.
Yes, I graduated with a degree in Elementary Education, and yes, that's a perfect fall back option if law school doesn't go the way I want. I'm not going to blow law school on purpose just so I can go back to teaching, not at all. But I'm definitely keeping that option out there if I don't like it. Except I won't be back here where I am, and I'll be in SLC instead. But teaching is teaching. If law school doesn't pan out, I would be happy to go anywhere. I'm so thankful to have even had the chance to teach. It's incredible. And little kids are the coolest people ever.
I'm just riding the struggle bus, and it's a little difficult. Change isn't easy for a lot of people, and if yo know me, you know that I'm the worst at change. I hate change, I can't stand change, I hate it. But I'm dealing with it. Law school could be the best thing ever and I'll have to just find that out for myself. It's okay to be sad about a chapter ending in your book of life. Bigger and better things could be coming my way.
We'll have to see.
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