Why is that?
I officially got my last name changed. No, I didn't get married. No, I don't plan on getting married for a long time. I honestly probably won't get married until I'm around... forty. So boys, you all can stop lining up to propose to me.
lolz.
But really, this is really serious to me, even though it's a good thing. I filled out some paperwork, I paid some money, and now my last name isn't what it was. I never thought I'd ever do something like this, to be honest. I always thought I would float about in life with my last name until I got married and then I'd change my last name to whatever last name my husband has.
I was born with my dad's last name.
I have my mom's maiden name now.
It's funny, because when I was born, my mom was so out of it on pain meds that I actually had her maiden name on my birth paper until it was changed probably around the time I started school. And now it's my last name.
My dad is not a good man. In fact, he's an awful man. And that sounds bad to some people, I'm sure, but it's the truth. I grew up in what you'd call a "typical" LDS family. I have a younger sister and a younger brother. My parents loved each other and they loved us. And to me, all of that changed when I graduated high school and moved to Provo, Utah to attend school at BYU.
After that, everything changed. My dad and I had an incredible relationship. I had a lot of the same interests he did, and he was one of the people who made me think "wow, teaching sounds pretty cool" because he's a teacher. He loved working on cars, so naturally I wanted to learn about cars so I could work on them with him. I remember when I was around seventeen, I was going through a lot of personal things in my life. I was being abused in several different ways, and I was just done with a lot of things.
He bought a 1958 Edsel from a friend that badly needed repair (then again - that entire model wasn't great to begin with) and we worked on it together. I remember working on cars with him took my mind off of a lot of things. We eventually got it not 100% restored, but 98%. I was so proud of it because it was one of the things I had a big hand in doing. It wasn't a "Lil, pass me that wrench" type of thing, it was a "Get in there, kid, and work on that engine" type of thing.
He also had a Mustang from 1957 that he let me drive to school because a person who won't be named smashed my car windows and they needed to be replaced. And I have this sheepish smile on my face right now at the thought of that memory because I remember feeling so boss pulling up to school in it.
Anyway, we had really good memories up until I graduated. To this day I don't know what happened, but my safe assumption is that he got mad at me because I grew up and moved. I was going to move to Utah and not be at home, where I had been for the last eighteen years. I didn't really think I completely believed that theory, but he's been getting snippy at my sister, who will be a senior in high school in the fall. Not only that, but she's moving here to finish out school.
I changed my last name because my dad left me homeless almost two years ago exactly. It'll be two years in July. I had $8000 of my own money that I didn't feel comfortable putting into my bank account, so I asked him if he could put it in his. Which ultimately was the biggest mistake of my life, because when I was about to be homeless when I was in my hometown for that summer, I needed to go home to Utah. I needed money for a plane ticket, and he wouldn't give it to me.
I changed my last name because my dad has told me countless times that he wishes I was never born.
I changed my last name because my dad yells at me every time I talk to him instead of talks normally.
I changed my last name because my dad wouldn't always let me talk to my mom when she was sick.
I changed my last name because my dad told me recently to drink bleach.
I changed my last name because my dad has told me to kill myself.
I changed my last name because my dad has a girlfriend (no, my parents' divorce isn't finalized yet) who's closer in age to me than him*.
I changed my last name because I refuse to have the same last name as
I don't live that "typical" LDS life (and let's be real - the cookie cutter LDS life has never been for me) and I haven't since I was eighteen. Most dad's are there for you when you have major heart surgeries. Most dad's are there for you when you undergo a heart transplant. Most dad's are there for you when you have a baby.
Mine wasn't. Mine never will. I've accepted that, and eventually I'll get a father figure in my life, but now is not that time. And I'm okay with that, but I'm a really independent person who doesn't need to be tied down to anyone. Do I like someone? I mean.. duh. But I don't see wedding plans anytime soon at all whatsoever.
Having a new last name is so.. freeing. I feel free. I feel liberated. I don't feel a dark storm cloud following me everywhere I go anymore. I don't feel like I'm going to be verbally abused out of nowhere. I feel incredible.
So, allow me sort of re-introduce myself.
My name is Lillian Kate. My last name used to begin with an N, but now it begins with a B.
You may call me Lillian, but I typically like Lily or Lil, if you're feeling casual.
I'm the same in many ways, but now I'm very different.
I'm free from chains.
* = For the record, I'm twenty one.
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