Hey, blog.

It's been awhile, hasn't it? Well, here I am, blogging again after the crazy month that was December.

Real quick, today I went to the DOL to get a new license (I don't know about you, but I'm feeling twenty......one) and yesterday I bought new curtains. So you could say I'm being a real baller lately. Adult life, yo.

It's been a wild month! But I wouldn't have traded this month for anything, really. So much traveling and exploring and being with the best. I'm pretty happy. Also can we take a minute to talk about how awesome I think it is that I kept this blog for an entire year? I never thought I would keep this going, because I have that private one that I thought I would write in more. Totally the other way around. I've blogged more in this one than that one.

Inneresting.

Fun fact, it was my birthday on the 22nd. I'm TWENNY WAN. Crazy.

So this is the time of month and the time of year when people reflect on their year and how it's treated them. Since I'm basic, I thought I'd do the same. Although, it may be a total 180 from how 2015 treated everyone else.

2015 has honestly been one of the GREATEST years of my life. I truly think this because I went into this year with absolutely zero expectations. I can't remember my actual train of thought, but it probably went a little something like "Okay, woo 2015. I'm not setting any goals for myself other than to shape up and do things for me".

And I did exactly that.

I made 2015 THE MOST selfish year I could. I did everything I wanted to do. I did things for myself, by myself. I learned so much about myself and how I worked and less about other people. I was selfish and stopped putting other people before me. I put myself first and worked on me. And it's showed.

I friend broke up with a lot of people because they were holding me back. I have no ill will to those people and I wish them the best in life. I just had to do me and there is absolutely nothing wrong about that. I have no regrets. I also think that I regret nothing I've done this year.

I focused on my health, specifically my eating habits, weight, and body image.

Am I totally better? No. I'm never going to be 100% better, but I'm stronger and I'm thriving. I'm healthier and that's led me to be happier.

In 2016, I'll possibly focus more on my mental health.

I make no promises to the things I'll do in 2016. I have no resolutions, because I know I'll break them if I make them.

The Lily now is so different from the Lily in December 2014. Lily back then was afraid of everything and let people walk all over her. Lily now knows how the world works and how to not let things get her down. She can tell people "no" without feeling bad. She can conquer anything and anyone. She won't let anyone get in her way.

Essentially, she's a boss bitch.

(and she loves it)

I can't imagine how many numbers I've blocked in my phone this last year. And the number of conversations I've deleted is so unfathomable. And that's good. The toxic people who were in my life will not come back into my life. They're gone and gone for good.

You can't just walk back into my life after a year and think things are automatically great. Because they aren't. A year does a lot to a person and I'm not who I was a year ago. None of us are who we were last year. Things change and you adapt to them.

I've done so much changing and I regret none of it. I'm happier than I was and I'm healthier than I was. 2015 was good.

I can't predict what 2016 has, but I'm leaving 2015 as a better person.

Love you guys.

xoxoxo

The Good Ship Lifestyle

I did this really cool thing on my private word blog a little over a year ago, so I thought it'd be fun if I did the same exact thing but on this blog! And with different answers, obviously. Bonus points to whoever knows what the blog post title is.

Reading: Honestly, nothing too specific. Just the usual textbooks I have to read for school and for work because I'm boring and don't know what to read. But I do love the Shiver trilogy. It's sort of like Twilight, except it's more wolf than vampire. #teamjacob4life

Watching: I recently finished the most recent season of Dancing With the Stars, which I got into at the start of the 20th season. I LOVE that show now! I'm already looking forward to the next season and who'll be on it. This most recent season was so much fun. Bindi and Derek were my top choice since week one honestly. And it was a TOTAL PERK that Nick Carter was on it as well. It revived my inner 90's child. Most of my other shows are on their fall/winter breaks, so I've been Netflix'ing it up. I marathon NCIS all the day (when I can) even though I've been every episode a million times. I love that show.



"I stand corrected. It appears he didn't know. I feel like a donkey's butt."
"Donkey's butt?"
"I think she meant 'horse's ass', McGee."
"Yes, that too."

#bringzivaback2k16

Smelling: The Warm Vanilla Sugar scent from B&BW that I'm currently wearing. So scrumptious and perfect for the holiday season. I LOVE this time of year!

Feeling: Warm. Happy. Content. Even though it's foggy af and cold as heck.

Sleeping: Pretty okay for the most part? I never sleep perfectly and I haven't slept well in years and I don't expect to start anytime soon. Some nights are better than others. I honestly love when my alarm goes off. I absolutely cannot have a loud, blaring, annoying alarm to wake me up. I just can't. It'll irritate me and give me a headache that won't go away. So what wakes me up each morning is one of my most favorite songs at the moment (I'll make an updated 'what I'm listening to' post later on) and it's just so calming and soothing. Usually people can't have that or they'll go back to sleep but I need it. And it works. I love it.

Doing: I'm doing well. I had checkups a couple weeks ago and everything looks alright. I'm really happy with how things are going for me. I have the best people in my life and I can't complain. I was upset about something the other day, so I opened up an app on my phone that had all the scriptures in it, and not three minutes later, I got a reminder notification that someone must have planted in my phone that was just a little reminder that they love me. I have the best friends ever and I'm so, so blessed.

Hearing: A lot of different things lately. I'm more likely than not listening to Muse, because they're my favorite band. They're going to be in Seattle on the 12th (this upcoming weekend), and I'll be there, so that'll be a blast of a time, I'm sure. Lots of traveling this month. But I'm really trying to jam hardcore to the new album because I actually haven't gotten all the songs and lyrics down. I don't know, I'm just not into this album as much as I was the others.

Cooking: I haven't really made anything new. My baked mac 'n cheese is always a huge hit with my friends, so I make that almost every time I have one or a couple over. I also am a big fan of my red pepper pasta recipe. Good stuff. I'm trying to find good vegetarian recipes for me to think about making sometime from Pinterest, so we'll see how that goes.

Eating: See above. Really it's baked mac 'n cheese, red pepper pasta, and loads of vegetarian foods. I've been a vegetarian for years and I don't plan on stopping. Animals are just too adorable for me to eat. I've struggled a ton with my eating and weight for years, and I'm finally getting back on track so I'm pretty pleased to say that. Also smoothie bowls are to die for. I love those things. And put spinach in smoothies, people. It's real healthy and you honestly can't even taste it.

Playing: Man, I wish I had time for games. I used to play so much Mario Party with my friends, but that was a year ago and I just don't have the time to anymore. I do however have Grand Theft Auto San Andreas downloaded on my computer (you can purchase it from the App Store on your Mac if you want) and if I'm angry I'll pull it up, steal someone's car, and destroy it (and hopefully not kill my dude in the process).

Talking: More than usual, I suppose. I've branched out and made several new friends recently, so I've been learning how they work and they're learning how I work. My conversation skills are slowly getting better, but I do still feel like I can't talk. In the way that  my speech comes out all jumbled up. I told my friend the other day that it's a wonder how my speech even comes out as English, it's that scattered. Yikes.

Singing: I only know how to sing Taylor Swift songs. No one says that's a bad thing though so what's up.

Loving: Life. Friends. Family. Heavenly Father.

Exploring: More of the state. The friends I've mentioned have connections in Orem and Lehi, so I've made small journeys over there to check out the sites there. Even though I was familiar with Orem when I lived in Provo (ihateprovo).

Wishing: For it to be the holiday break. Just a little bit longer. I can do it.

Wanting: The kids I teach to not still be obsessed with the stupid job song. It's actually really cute, and I turned it into a project for them, but they still love it. Gotta give the mini's what they want sometimes, eh?

Celebrating: 90's music existing.

Anticipating: The HOLIDAYS.

Feel free to copy down the same list I did and put it in your own blogs!

xx

Real talk

So last night was.. weird.

And dumb.

And awful.

And raw.

And emotional.

And scary.

I'm known to get stuck in ruts every once in awhile and last night was one of them. I was having really bad thoughts and I was starting to feel really messed up. I'm in the middle of shooting a wedding today, and I thought I'd use my free moment to talk about it. Mostly for future reference, I guess.

This week has been an interesting one. It started not bad, but one of my friends and I aren't talking to each other on purpose just to see what it's like where we're one without the other for a few days. And it's really doling out some damage to me. It's reminding me that I really am nothing without my extremely close friends and how I would be without that one specifically around.

But speaking of friends... I clearly lack them.

I made a little rant that probably sounded whiny as heck on Tumblr and it was basically something about how I'm always the one who is there for friends but when it comes down to it, they aren't really there for me when I need it. I'm not calling out any specific friends nor am I name dropping.

But honestly.. if you think it's about you, then it probably is. Straight up. I'm not sorry.

It also reminded me that when I'm feeling as down about life as I was, that sometimes I need to be alone and do my own thing. What if in the future I'm also as alone as I felt? I needed to see for myself how I would be when I was by myself.

It wasn't pretty. Last night wasn't pretty.

The night progressed, and I tried to do something creative since I didn't have any friends. I played around with my makeup, and ordered some online. My dad said some choice words to me and I actually believed him because I was feeling so awful about myself. At that point, I would have believed anything negative that was said to me at all.

Then I tried to go to bed super early. Which, spoiler alert, didn't go over well. I mostly ended up crying a lot. Then the bad thoughts about harming myself popped up. I wanted to hurt myself. I was convinced that my life wasn't supposed to happen and I wanted to do something to make my life not be a thing anymore. I wanted to so badly.

I didn't.

I haven't self harmed in over three years and that's a streak that I pray hard to keep it going.

I don't even really know how I haven't slept that much. Probably because I'm a coffee fiend. I waited around for my alarm to go off this morning and I needed to pull myself together because... I'm at a wedding and I'm going to make money today. I have to pull myself together and act like nothing happened last night (which nothing really did happen last night, just bad thoughts screaming a lot).

Generally within my friend group and in the Tumblr universe, I'm sort of an optimist. I'm the one who always wants to help people and be happy. But it very much sucks when the token optimist is the one who feels like junk and wants to end things.

Today/this afternoon is better. Not 100% and I'm still going around with my fake as heck happiness, but I'm not as terrified about things as I was last night and into this morning.

And if anyone is reading this who also feels like you should end things, don't. Doing that is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You're worthy of life. You're worthy of so much. You matter.

1-800-273-8255 is the number for a suicide lifeline in the United States. Go -> here <- for numbers specific to your state and there's also a link to click on if you're international.

I love you.

Dates, new hobbies, and what I wore

Hello, blog.

And people reading this.

Can I just not say the "I've been busy with work, school, friends, and life so I haven't been blogging lately" excuse?

I can?

Sweetness.

Honestly, life has still been real rad lately. I've actually been making new friends, which is awesome. I love making new friends. We went to Ikea in Draper and almost got kicked out. Great times. It's fun to be able to take time out of a crazy busy life and be able to have fun and kick back with good people.

In which, last night I had a date. Which was a ton of fun. I haven't gotten dressed up and all dolled up in awhile, so that was nice. I got to wear heels and not be taller than my date, because luckily for me, he's like 6'5". Quite a giant. But a gentle giant, I'll give him that. He's cool. And again, I'm so happy I was able to get all dressed up and also get out of the house. Cabin fever, I tell ya.

Obviously I'm going to share what I was wearing last night.

Also I'm really trying to get into makeup. Not so much hair, but makeup. I know, I'm really starting to turn into the stereotypical Utah girl. Except I'm not married. But I'm really starting to feel like I am. But oh well. I don't really care. I think the Utah girl stereotype is annoying and overrated. Let girls here live and do what they want.

If they want to blog, let them.

If they want to be photographers, let them.

If they want to be into hair, let them.

If they want to be into makeup, let them.

If they want to wear maxi dresses with chunky necklaces, LET THEM.

Can girls here breathe without being criticized?

Honestly, people. Let us live.

I like hair and makeup, but more so makeup. I have two cousins who are mostly into makeup, while one is also big into hair. I've lived with one and live near the other, so I've really been around makeup and hair products over the last two years. I think it's fun. So I'm going to try jumping into makeup and see where it takes me. Not anything huge. I don't want to do makeup artistry as a job or anything, or be a beauty guru on YouTube, but just to wear makeup and see if I feel good wearing it.

I don't wear too much makeup. At all. I have a couple pallets but that's about it, honestly. So I'm saving money and go balls to the wall soon and see what happens. Like most phases, this will probably be that.

A phase.

Anyway, here's what I wore on my date last night.

I felt cute and looked cute. Confidence is key sometimes, y'all.

Dress: $64.99 at ModCloth. Find it here.

Tights: I never know where I find my tights, but this pair from Khol's is $7.99. Here.

Cardigan: Mine is in gray. $29.99 at DownEast Basics. Find it here.

Shoes: On sale for $30 at Charlotte Russe. Find them here.

Bracelet: $68 at Alex and Ani. Find it here.

Bracelet: $28 at Alex and Ani. Find it here.

Earrings: $38 at Alex and Ani. Find it here.

Alex and Ani has a collection of bracelets with sororities printed on them that you can find here, and I was also wearing the bracelet that has my sorority on it. It was $32.

Catch Up

HELLO NOVEMBER.

Fall is here and the temperatures are dropping here like no one's business. And I love it. I've been looking forward to this time of year since the springtime and it's coming back. I've been super happy every time I look at my phone's weather app. I seriously couldn't live any place else at the moment. I'm way too freaking happy here. I feel like everyone should be in a place that they truly love, and here is definitely that place for me. My metaphorical puzzle piece fits so perfectly here!

With gorgeous cold weather... comes sickness, though. I knew it wouldn't be that easy. Monday night into Tuesday morning I woke up and was instantly sick. I feel like it's some sort of lame-o stomach virus. I can't keep anything down and even though I hate its guts, I've been trying to down Gatorade like a pro. I think I've found one flavor that I like the best so.. props to that.

Or it could have been something that I caught from the weekend. Which isn't likely, but oh hey, I had the best weekend of my freaking LIFE this last weekend. And since this is my blog, I guess I'm going to blog about it lol!

So me and one of my very best friends drove like.. a half hour or so (??) to where his* parents live because I was crying about something last week and he suggested that we go see his parents. They have horses. And like... many farmland. So many farmland. Many. I accepted his gracious offer and we went up there at like.. 2:00 on Saturday morning. Too much flipping fun. It was great because we listened to Bob Segar's song Night Moves and it was so right for the moment. Also Don McLean's song American Pie. You know, the song that's like eight minutes long? You got it, dude. I'm going to make a playlist for this blog in a second. Spoiler alert: these two songs and at least two others will be on there for sure.

His parents were really nice when I saw them when I woke up. Very nice and warm. I like them. That was what, Saturday? Halloween. YES. I saw the horses that his family has and I was instantly transplanted into June. Good times. Anyway, we went to a murder mystery dinner for Halloween and THAT was a treat. The actors who were doing it were also dressed up in casual attire so literally no one knew about it until the reveal and I think it was a lot more fun that way. Later on, my BFF and I had to wait like half an hour for something and we lip sang One Direction and I thought of my homegirl (SHOUTS TO AILY ILY GIRL!!!) and it was great.

I honestly didn't go to bed until about 6:30 Sunday morning. We stayed up and had a campfire and made s'mores and were stargazing and.. gah. Just lots of good stuff. It was the perfect aesthetic. Too good. So much love and extremely loud laughter. Love that guy! I woke up the next morning in the best way possible (nothing freaky, I promise!) and I got to watch my Seahawks beat the Cowboys! Always a nice treat to have the Hawks to into a bye week at 4-4. Well.. sorta. Come on, Hawks!

Then later on I headed home. It was great to get out of the city and into the rural areas and press "pause" on the remote of life for a couple days. I think everyone should do that, as well. If you're ever feeling suffocated or tied down to where you are, just get out for a weekend! It'll do wonders.

That's all I really have today.

Oh wait.

I guess I could mention that it's been two years since I had my heart transplant. Fun fact: I had a heart transplant two years ago today. I don't really bring it up as much as I did on social media. I don't really talk about it unless I need to or if I really want to. Which isn't often anymore. It's still weird for me to think about. That's all I really feel like saying about it.

Here are some tunes that I'm listening to at the moment.

Wait - M83
American Pie - Don McLean
Night Moves - Bob Segar
One Thing - One Direction
From Now On - The Features**
Lights On - Big Grams
Revolt - Muse***
When It's Over - Sugar Ray****
Dirty Little Secret - All American Rejects
Waiting on the World to Change - John Mayer*****
Girl Crush - New Politics
New Americana - Halsey

So there you go. (most of the) Links are the song titles. I've been trying to find a specific song lately, but I can't find it anywhere. I was listening to satellite radio (the XM U channel on Sirius fyi) a couple weeks ago, and I heard this really rad song but I can't remember any of it for the life of me. It sort of reminded me of outer space, and every few seconds I heard a small 'beep' sound in the background. Idk. It was cool though. If any people who read my blog also listen to indie music who may have an idea of what that song it, let a girl know, please!

Anyway, I think that's all I have for now! If this stomach virus doesn't kill me, I'll probably blog again soon!

xx

* = pls don't forget I can have best friends who are guys! (:
** = I can't find a link to a music video for this song mostly because this was a song that was made for the Twilight Breaking Dawn soundtrack. But it's on Tumblr, I know that. I think if you search for "the features from now on" and narrow your search to audio posts only, it should be there.
*** = WHY I CAN'T FIND THIS MUSIC VIDEO IS BEYOND ME. I didn't look at their official site (muse.mu) which may be on there. But it's not on YouTube. Try looking on their website. The song is my favorite off their new album!
**** = Mark McGrath will always be my 90's girl crush. Unf. <3
***** = 2006 John Mayer was such a babe. May I repeat: UNF. <3 <3

The low down

Life lately has been nothing short of lovely. Or I could have said..

Life Lately: Literally Lovely

^ I really love alliteration, folks.

But really, things are good. Things have been good for the last year. I had a slight hiccup with something almost two-ish months ago? Around the time I saw Taylor Swift live with my best friend and then went to Vegas. lol whenever that was. I had an experience while there involving someone I used to be associated with (not that we had a run in in Vegas because we didn't) and I realized how good it is to move on from certain people.

It's really weird when you're happy and in a good place in your life, and then someone from the past unexpectedly walks in and acts like you're the same person, and all of a sudden you go from really happy to feel like you have to walk on eggshells. And then when you get rid of that person as ASAP as possible, you feel happy again.

Hmm. Weiiiiird stuff.

But anyway.

Things are great. I love work, I love school, I love my other work, I love music, I love Muse, I love my family, I love my friends, I love my Heavenly Father, I love life.

So I'm taking some time to jump into the blogosphere and say some words. Since it's been like.. a week. I know, SO LONG.

--

The San Francisco Giants FB page posted today that they won the World Series one year ago today, and I got such a warm feeling in my stomach. I love that dumb team so much. #3in5 And they were like "where were you 365 days ago?" and I'm all "lolz watching the World Series!!!". Although I don't really care about this year. Mets/Royals. Always rooting for the NL team (Mets in this case) because the Giants are NL and plus the Royals were the team the Giants were playing last year. It's cool they can go back to back though. They lead 2-0 so we'll see.

I still thank my uncle for making me watch the World Series last year. You da boss, boss.

Meanwhile, my planner from A Beautiful Mess came in the mail yesterday! And I'm really already in love with it and NEED to have 2016 pop up tomorrow. I posted this on Instagram yesterday to show it off and brag about it, and I'm going to upload the same one. I'm too lazy to take new pictures of it today. Go figure.

I cropped it sort of crappy but oh well. You get the idea of what it's all about. The cover is all floral and adorable! There were three options and this is the one I chose upon pre ordering it. The emojis and arrows are stickers! Emoji stickers. How cool is that? I love the goals list, I love the lined paper at the back, I love the monthly tabs, I love it all!

And I especially love how small it is! I wasn't expecting it to be small. I have another planner that I bought and blogged about and that one has a bigger layout, so I'm using that one for work and this one for my life once 2016 rolls around. I don't have a planner for this year because I'm silly*.

Really the only issue I have with it is that the tabs and monthly cover (see the 'January' picture) aren't laminated. I think I would have literally no issue if they were laminated, but hey. Other than that it's perfect! 9.5/10 for sure. The black and white thing at the lower right is a roll of washi tape that the ABM team threw in for free upon pre order! That'll make it even more fun to plan and play and all the fun stuff!

And literally.. check out out all the space you get for the daily section. My Erin Condren planner for 2014 was in a daily setup, but it was sectioned off into "morning", "afternoon", and "night" areas. Which I did like, but I wasn't sure if I had to move an appointment from the morning into the afternoon, for example. With this, I can easily move and arrange things. Stoked!

Meanwhile, I've really been getting into hair and makeup. Beauty stuff, if you will. I have two cousins who are makeup artists and one of my aunts owns a salon, so between the three of them and myself, I've been having a lot of fun doing makeup, being a makeup model, and doing fun hairstyles. It's really fun to be the guinea pig for my cousin to test makeup on. Even though I sneeze. A lot. Sorry for allergies being a year round thing. I honestly look like a stoner whose job is sneezing for the entire day.

And I couldn't be more excited for the weekend. Enough said, really, but I don't want to go into too much detail. But it's all good things and I'll be with good people and it'll be such a change from what I usually do and I really can't wait. Halloweekend, y'all. I had my first graders go home with a note to their parents saying that they're allowed to dress up a little bit in their Halloween costumes and you couldn't hear yourself think, that's how loud they were when I told them that they could.

Little kids. Too good.

Anywho, I think that's all I have for this blog post. If I have something else to yap about, I'll do so. Today is Cat Day apparently, and I hate cats, so have a gif of Marshawn petting a raccoon.

Love you all!

xx

* = I literally had to Google how to spell the word "competent" the other day and that really shows who I am as a person

Muse-ic saves lives

There are some bands you like.

And there are some bands you love.

--

Muse is that band to me. Muse is that band that I love. Why that sounds grammatically incorrect is probably because it is grammatically incorrect. Whatever.

I've been a fan of theirs going on ten years. Mid 2005 is when I first heard of them and I became a fan later on that year. I was in 5th grade and I thought I discovered the best band in the world.

And spoiler alert: I totally did. What's up.

Back in 2005, all I listened to was the mainstream stuff on the radio and church music. And I never heard the radio play Muse so I was stoked that I found a band that clearly no one else listened to. And I stayed a fan. And I ended up seeing them live for the first time in 2007. I remember begging and pleading one of my parents to take me because I loved them so much and it was all I ever wanted!!*

It was the coolest first Muse concert ever. I'm 99% sure it was at the Paramount. Too cool.

Fast forward to 2012 (skipping over album releases and seeing them live a few more times):

If you know me, you'd know that 2012 wasn't a fun year for me. 2012 held my junior and senior years of high school, and early to mid 2012 wasn't good. I developed eating disorders and was self harming and eventually I was diagnosed as suicidal. Nothing was going right for me at that time and I was trying to help myself, but I was actually doing more harm to myself than good.

During that summer, the 2012 London Summer Olympics was happening. I'm always a sucker for the Olympics, even if the summer ones are so much better than the winter ones.

//sry//

I knew for awhile that Muse did the official song for those Olympics.

But backstory again.

Elton John (you heard that right) hit up Matt Bellamy to do a collab song for the Olympics like a year prior. And Matt was like "yeah okay cool" but the thing never really panned out and people pulled Elton John from it and when they were recording and shizz for their newest album at the time, Matt was probably like "okay I'll just finish this myself like the hardcore fool I am".

^ that's probably 100% exactly how it happened tbh.

That song ended up being Survival, and it's like.. what a relatable song to have for the Olympics. Idk I thought it was pretty neat when I learned about it. But granted I didn't know it before the Olympics or anything.

I actually saw it post meltdown in my bathroom. I can't remember what day it was, but it was around the starting point of the Olympics in 2012. I was having a massive meltdown crisis in my bathroom and was screaming and crying and other yucky things that don't need to be talked about. I pulled out my phone when I contained myself and saw that it was new on iTunes. OBVIOUSLY since they're my favorite band, I made the purchase immediately. And I listened to it.

And I listened to it again.

And again.

And again.

The lyrics were so fitting for the time, and I can relate to them still. It was so perfect to listen to it in the setting I was in. It was probably the only song I listened to for a straight month.

Some people think it's silly when someone claims that a song or a band saved their life, but music saves lives, people. It really does. I can say without doubt that that song and that band saved my life. You can tell me otherwise, that my inner strength saved myself instead, but the drive to do that came from that song.

I haven't seen them live since Salt Lake City 2013. And now I'm going to be seeing them in Seattle on December 12th. Ten days before my birthday. And I couldn't be more excited already. I had the option of going to Seattle or Vegas to see them (Vegas is on the 6th of December), but I chose Seattle because my family is nearby and I'm always a sucker for seeing my mom, sister, and brother whenever I can. Even though the drive to Vegas would have been much shorter. Oh well!

Muse is just a really great band and they have good lyrics and neat albums. Even though I don't like Drones as much as I did The 2nd Law, the theme of military and government blah blahs is kinda cool. I do have a favorite song or two off the newest album, and if they don't play said song(s), I'll be real pissed.

That's a possible jk.

lolz.

I love Muse. And I can't wait to see them again.

xx

* = always being so overdramatic. (;

hi hey there hello

Hi it's been awhile.

Sorry not sorry I guess. All I really do is work, do classes, and try to have a social life. It's been working, I promise. All of those = no blogging. You should see the deserted blog my private side blog is. I don't know if I've properly written in that thing since like.. March.

Yeah.

But I'm still in the country, so that's cool. I haven't had the need to spontaneously travel anywhere. I don't think I'm planning on going anywhere until winter break either. Maybe I'll see my family over Thanksgiving. Literally who knows.

I'm almost done with a secret project, so at least I'm getting SOMETHING done. But I'm having a lot of fun doing it. I'm not sure when I'll have it all up and on the blog but it'll be sometime, that's for sure.

Anyway, I have nothing really new. I'm thinking about blogging about something specific later on this weekend which might be fun. It'll kill me from embarrassment, but a good embarrassment. Is a good embarrassment even a thing? Oh well. We'll see.

Stay tuned.

YEAH THIS IS SO LAME I KNOW, BUT I ALSO JUST WANT TO SAY THAT I'M ALIVE. And not a ghost. Because duh.

& everything is going to the beat

Hoo dang, has it been a long.. week, thereabouts. More like a long five days, but it's felt longer than that. More like five months. So here, in one huge blog post, are the drafts I've had in my reserves, combined into one huge thing. I've been wanting to make several blog posts but I've never got around to it. Y'all I still have to upload pictures from when I was in Hawaii. In August.

I'm so behind. But who cares, so here are some words.

I realize I haven't properly blogged in awhile, not since sorority recruitment, at least. My bad, y'all. I've been busy. Way too stinking busy.

But anyway. Classes are crazy and so is work and.. oh yeah. I went to Paris and told hardly anyone.

Paris, France.

Yeeeeeah.

I was literally given an offer I couldn't refuse so I took it and ran with it. Yes, it had something to do with Paris Fashion Week. No, I wasn't in it. Sry. I wish my modeling skillz were that great. Or my makeup skillz. Or any skillz, really. But I was able to take pictures at some fashion shows and was also able to go behind the scenes of some shows so that was really cool.

And you know.. the whole "be a tourist in Paris in general" thing as well.

Overall, it was nice.

Until early this week when I sort of became mentally unstable. Not so new info for people who know me, but to the people who really don't know me: I have a couple things wrong with me, mentally, and usually I'm really chipper and upbeat and overall just a joy to be around but that can drop on a dime, and this time it probably dropped on a one dollar coin.

I'm just in a huge funk. On my flights back home, I tried to sleep and that didn't really work too well so I tried to relax by watching some of my shows on my iPad, like normal people do, and that seemed to work best. I just did what I could until I touched down at home. I won't lie, I cried a lot on the way home and I probably scared the crap out of my friend who picked me up. Props to him for not dumping me on the side of the road and speeding off for real.

So I've been sad and annoyed at everyone for no reason (thx to my friends for dealing with me, y'all're the real MVP's) and while I haven't been wanting to talk to people, I did want to text one of my friends back.

Something about my friend: I love her and I adore her and I would totally go for her if she didn't have a boyfriend and we both were into girls. Aaaand she knows what I mean when I say that if she's reading this. (: She's the greatest. She's my twin, my older sister that Heavenly Father forgot to give me, and my soul sister. Just a burst of sunshine and the happiest person I've ever seen. I'd probably kill someone for her and she'd probably do the same for me. Love her.

I could go on and on about her but anyway!!!! We were talking and I mentioned how stressed I am and she gave me some really good yoga and meditation ideas and links and people to look at on Instagram, and I thought that that was so great because I never //really// thought about yoga or meditation when I'm stressed.

Wtf, Lil. That's literally what the point of yoga and meditation is, you nimrod.

So I'm definitely going to be taking her advice on that, especially when I have the cutest yoga mat ya ever did see! It's got a Cherry Blossom tree on it and I bought it on Amazon and I've probably already said that! But I'm happy that I'll be able to get more use out of it. And then take the best bubble bath ever afterwards!

And hey. If I survived 2014, I can survive anything, honestly.

Something that I try and do whenever I can is when I'm feeling really stressed, I'll pack a small bag full of some things, drive around the town I live, find a parking lot (honestly it'll usually be a church building or the Temple), park, and just.. read scriptures. Go over my favorite ones, highlight things and sticky note things that pop out at me, try to find new favorites, etc.

I've reached out to a couple of my friends just to ask for some guidance and what their favorite quotes and scriptures are, and I immediately go in and find them and read them out loud and highlight, highlight, HIGHLIGHT! Especially now, and I'll go over some of my favorite things that were said at Conference recently.

And please be proud of me, because before I left for Europe I went to Bath & Body Works and ordered some things for my friend. They're having the B3G2 and I had a coupon and I wanted to get her Christmas shopping out of the way early. October. Yeah. That's a good time to start Christmas shopping.

//yay//

And while I was tempted, I only bought ONE thing for myself. O N E. Even though I want to buy Wallflowers. I bought a Forever Red shower gel because I feel like that's a sultry, winter-y scent that you'd wear out and hey. Can never have too many winter shower gels. Since I only have one in Twisted Peppermint and Vanilla Bean Noel. Even though I have an EXTREME throwback Vanilla Bean Noel in the body wash/bubble bath container. It looks like a snowglobe, that's how throwback it is.

I'm actually not sure how old it is, but I think it's starting to change colors and not as fresh smelling as my newer one so I think I'm going to bust that out the day after Thanksgiving and work on it. I DO love me a good bubble bath. So we'll see. If it's newer, then it's already somewhat going bad. Plus there's glitter in it! Maybe a little annoying but whooooo caaares.

Stoked for the fact that my Seahawks are starting to win! Always a good feeling when your team is 0-2 and then wins two in a row. Being 2-2 isn't ideal, but I'll accept it. Especially when we handed Detroit their fourth loss of the season. But then again, we're going to Cincinnati this week and they're 4-0 so it'd be right nice to hand them a loss!

While I'm happy that my Haws are winning, I'm sad that my San Francisco Giants didn't make it to the MLB playoffs. I KNOW IT'S PROBLEMATIC that I love the Seahawks, hate the 49ers, love the Giants, and don't like the Mariners. I KNOW. It's fine.

I was at my aunt and uncle's house last October and my uncle was watching the World Series, Giants vs Royals. I didn't care about baseball but I accepted it. My uncle goes "Hey Lily, there's a pitcher who plays for the Giants who I think you would probably have a crush on!!" and while it's sad that my uncle knows my type of men, he wasn't wrong.

The pitcher turned out to be Tim Lincecum, and I haven't looked back when I developed a crush on him. I was so sad when he got hurt back in June. His season was literally over then, although it was never confirmed. Plus he's a free agent going into this offseason so I really hope that with rehab, he'll resign a smaller contract with the Giants. But I'll also be okay because we still have MadBum, Posey, Crawford, and Duffy (Duffy for Rookie of the Year pls) and like.. everyone else. Plus Panik and Pence will be back (ily Panik even though Tomlinson is my everything and more <3333).

Links on links on links.

So I still have my boys and I still love them all.

Also I have a burning hatred for the Dodgers and would love to see them all suffer in the postseason #beatla

//and I definitely DON'T love Timmy because he and I grew up in the same dang place. RENTON HOMIES FOR LIFE, SON. ONCE YOU'RE RENTON YOU'RE RENTON FOR LIFE//

Even though... I know no one there anymore and I haven't gone back there since I moved away hahahaha OH WELL.

But really, it's just a fun fact that I love those two sports teams but not each place's respective football and baseball team. I could write a list that was little facts about me, and maybe I will someday. Remember those two super secret projects I've been working on? Y'all done thought I ditched them, huh? Well I didn't. I've been working on one and I'm like... halfway done with it. You'll know when it's done. I'll be super dramatic about it like "lOoK aT tHiS aWeSoMe ThInG i DiD i HoPe YoU'rE pRoUd Of It!!!!!!".

//////////////////////yeah//////////////////////

I'm also realizing that there are a few things right now, songs specifically, that can perfectly sum up how I've been feeling for the last several weeks. Especially this song. Actually more like only this song lol. You have to tweak a few words and substitute some for another, but it's generally pretty accurate. I am the best baby they never got to keep. Lolololol. Also this song for good measure, I guess.

Look at me, getting into mainstream music. I also like that Can't Feel My Face song AND I still love the Cheerleader song AND the Uptown Funk song AND the Pharrell Happy song. We all know it's not actually called the "Pharrell Happy Song", but that's just what I call it it's okay. Yes. I still love that song. It was never crammed down my throat on the radio so it was never overplayed for me. And yes. When my friends are in the car with me I just blare it.

About a week or so ago on Tumblr, I reblogged an ask prompt thing that was like.. autumn/fall related, and one of the questions was basically "what song or album do you listen to in the fall?" and I replied with Taylor Swift's album 1989. It was the ONLY thing I listened to in my car last fall. Catch me in the place I live with that thing just blared. For the ENTIRE season. Well.. from when it came out to pretty much the middle of winter. And it was so great because one of my very good friends (again, I could go on about this heaven sent friend of mine.. literally I could write a book about every single friend I have, I love them so much) reblogged the same ask prompt, got asked the same question, and SAID THE SAME ANSWER.

So basically we were destined to be besties and it's great because she's moving here (to the state, probably not where I live, but that would be fun as well!) and we can go camping and listen to Taylor Swift and bake (maybe not bake while camping but what a plot twist that would be! Catch us on the Food Network's new show about camp baking what's good!) and be the gorgeous little fairies we are. <3

But that's all I really have to say right now. I didn't all type this right now, I got a lot of it done last night and put some finishing touches on it. But that's okay. A blog post is a blog post, right? I love you all and I hope to blog again super soon.

Also: Props if you know what the blog title is without using a search engine.

xx

Hello hello!

I decided to sort of overhaul my blog and how it looks, so hopefully it's a cute change! I have nothing new to blog about, but I hope to get more content and whatnot up here. I was able to rearrange some things with the classes I'm taking so while I'm still taking classes, I'll also be able to stay home more. Yay for adulting! Speaking of adulting, I'm shooting three weddings the remainder of the week (four all together), so I'm going to be a little bit richer come the weekend.

And since I've been wanting to splurge on something, I think I'm going to. So I'll probably mention that!

That's pretty much it. I'm alive, I'm busy, and I overhaul my blog.

#thuglife

Milestones are rad

//first off, phew, I have loved this small blogging break I gave myself after sorority recruitment. I'm happy to say it's all over, I got into the sorority I wanted {I'll blog that at some point}, and all is back to normal without blogging different outfits for five straight days. Yikes I could never be a real fashion blogger haha! Also I know I forgot to link what shoes I was wearing in my Day Five outfit. It's all from ModCloth and super easy to find. Just go to "shoes" and then go to specifically "red shoes" and they should be there. Blah blah END SCENE//

--

Three years ago today, I made a choice. It was a hard choice, but I did it and it led me down the path that has put me where I am at this moment.

I decided to stop self harming.

I was a cutter. I would cut my wrists, thighs, shoulders, and stomach. To this day, I have scars on those locations of my body. And I have accepted that I'll always have them. I'm not proud of what I did, but I'm proud that I stopped. I'm proud that with all the things I've been through since September 26th, 2012, I haven't picked up another razor blade and cut skin.

But did I want to? Absolutely.

I had "emergency" blades hidden throughout wherever I lived, just in case I needed to. At times, I would actually go and grab one and put it to my skin. But I never pressed down and cut. I never had the heart to*. I wanted to build good self control. And I have built good self control. Heck, it's incredible self control. I go through times even know where I think "wow, if I was still doing that stuff now, I would totally do it" because I'm so stressed and angry (or feeling any negative thought, really) and I know that that gave me a sense of relief.

But I know that it would never be worth it. Not once. I compare it easily to my addiction I had with prescription pain killers. That's a post for an entirely different day, but it was an addiction. And it was bad both times I was addicted to them. Sure, you could do it. But you know deep down that it wouldn't be worth it if you did. It might feel good at first. But you spiral out of control so quickly you don't even know what you're doing.

Which is why I know I'll never pick up a razor blade again.
And it's also why I know when to stop taking pain killers (unless I actually need them. I don't have prescription medication for no reason).

Life is really good. I can't stress that enough. I'm glad I made that choice to stop three years ago. No, life didn't get better after that. Or not immediately after that. I was still hurting a lot and it wasn't going to get better. In fact, it was going to get way worse. But I still held on to self control.

And over time.. the hurt has gotten less. I still think about things that happened, mostly because these things aren't something you just "forget". I've accepted them, yes. And right now in life, I'm so happy. Most days my mouth hurts because I smile so often. I smile and I'm genuinely happy. Yet again, here I am saying that I have the best people in my life. I think about my family and friends and the people I love, and then I think about how much pain I was putting them through as well when I was hurting myself.

Especially my younger sister. She witnessed a lot of things; things I would never wish on her (or anyone) and I truly wish I could have been a better sister in our teen/tween years. I'm so happy that we've grown closer as sisters and are built in best friends.

I love //most// of my family. I love my friends.

I love milestones.

I love life.

xx

Day Five

Bid. Day. Outfit.

This is it. This is what I've been waiting all week for*.

Learning what sorority I'll be in.

Being nervous is an understatement, to be honest.

Really, I won't be upset at anything that happens. I made my top pick and I'm not second guessing myself or anything of the like. If I do get into my top pick, awesome. If I don't, still awesome. I don't extremely //love// one over the other. I really truly like both. I just happen to like one a little bit over the other. Call it a 51% to 49%, ja feel? No problems with this.

Unless I don't get picked at all, then in that case..... what to heck, people?

//jk//

Here's what I'm wearing today.

So there ya go. Bid Day outfit. Too fun, too fun. I'm glad I went through with rush and stuck with it. I've already made friends through this, and that's one of the reasons why I'm doing it. Make friends, help people, raise money for a good cause, have fun, etc.

Dress: $89.99 at ModCloth. Find it here.
Tights: $34.99 at ModCloth. Find them here.
Earrings: $12.99 at ModCloth. Find them here.
Necklace: $19.99 at ModCloth. Find it here.

Yes, I realize I only shop at ModCloth. And yes, I realize some of the things I wear are expensive. I don't care. I went through a time last year where I had little to no clothes. All the long sleeved shirts I had (last fall/winter time) were from Target and Walmart, and the sleeves had holes in them. At the time, I was still a photographer (I say this like I'm not, but I still am) and how professional would it look if your photographer showed up wearing a shirt with holes in it?

Not very profesh.

I lived in a house (the house I still live in) where I had (have) to pay bills. I also had to buy food. I also had to spend a lot of money on things pertaining to photography. Programs, backup system(s), hard drives, etc. It's not easy. So clothing expenses were put on the back burner for awhile. One of my best friends in the entire world was living with me, and we didn't have the same body type. She's taller and I'm shorter, if you know what I mean. So we couldn't do that fun thing like share clothes like other BFF's do.

So now that I've been coming into money (upping photography rates sry abt it and getting paid a little more than last year because I'm doing more teaching), I'm going to buy clothes and treat myself. And yes, I do still shop at Target and Walmart. And I also go to Goodwill. You really never know what you'll find at G-Will! Or at any thrift store, honestly.

One person's trash is another's treasure. One of the truest statements ever.

Love you all.

xx

* = I've been waiting all week for the weekend in general. It's going to be so fun!

Day Four

(+ welcome an old friend)

Day Four is upon me!

Today is Preference Day, where we pretty much make our top pick for which sorority we want to be in for the rest of our lives. I'm really excited about it. And I'm also 98% sure which one I'm going to make my number one. I realized it last night during Philanthropy Day. I learned what each house did to raise money and they all talked about it.. and it was fun.

I was siding with one house before then, because I liked the house and the girls were really welcoming. Not to say that the other house wasn't, but I just liked that house a little bit better. That all changed last night when I sort of "flipped". The house that I was siding with is now not the one I plan on making my top pick. I'm deciding to leave out names of the sororities just for privacy. I don't hate one. I really don't. And that's honestly what's making this hard.

At least for right now. I feel like this is how a lot of other girls feel, even when they have a ton more houses to pick from. I guess in that sense, I'm glad we don't have a lot of them. You'd have much harder of a choice to make. Especially when you have to "drop" houses. Yikes.

This is what I'm wearing for Pref Day:

BRINGING MY BOOTIES BACK, Y'ALL!

Idk, I just really like them and they go with everything. It's still a bit chilly outside, and it looks like it'll warm up again into the mid to upper 70's and into the low 80's so I'm really hoping for another warm front before it plunges into like... the 20's and 30's.

I'M REAL READY FOR COLD WEATHER THOUGH. I'm so excited to bust out my winter wardrobe. I've been excited for that since April.

Dress: $79.99 at ModCloth. Find it here.
Tights: $17.99 at ModCloth. Find them here.
Shoes: I can't remember their original price anymore and I got them from ModCloth but I don't see them on the site anymore. Sorry. If you google around, you might find a pair like it.
Earrings: $17.99 at ModCloth. Find them here.
Necklace: I mentioned this necklace before, and I got it from a seller on Etsy. I can't remember which seller specifically, nor do I think this is the seller I bought it from (or the price, but it wasn't expensive), but here is a link to a seller from which the picture is from.

That's all for today. Only one more outfit to be blogged about this week. Bid Day outfit!

xx

Day Three

Today was nice. Better than yesterday because the kids weren't as stressful as they were a day ago. Go figure, I suppose! (:

Yesterday was also House Tour day, so we all got to visit the houses (duh) and I had a lot of fun visiting them and meeting some of the girls. I really did feel at home in both houses, but I did like one just a tad bit over the other. But that's okay! Today is Philanthropy Day, where we find out what the houses do for charity and whatnot. I'm going into this already knowing what one house does, so I'm sort of already into that house.

Buuuuut we'll see! That's today, Pref Day is tomorrow, and then Bid Day is Friday!

Although I hate what I'm wearing today. I'll redeem myself tomorrow.

No accessories, really. I'm going to wear a pair of cheap Walmart earrings just to give a little pop. Other than that, I'm just keeping it simple. Dressing with the weather again and adding the cardigan. I mean, I don't absolutely hate what I'm wearing, but I think it's too plain.

Cardigan: $49.99 at ModCloth. Find it here.
Shirt: On sale for $10.00 at Charlotte Russe. Find it here.
Skirt: $34.99 at ModCloth. Find it here.
Shoes: $39.99 at ModCloth. Find them here.

xx

Day Two

Hot dang, was today super crazy.

Work stuff. Teacher stuff. Kids being bad eggs and needing to blow off steam. Ya know, the usual.

What's good.

Here's what I'm wearing for day two of recruitment!

I don't know, I guess I'm wearing green because I'm feeling lucky? We'll see what happens tonight, I suppose! See you tomorrow for day three! I'm getting more and more nervous for Friday, which is when all the girls will find out which houses we're going to be in! Also I'm dressing with the weather, which is cooler and cloudy. I LOVE that it's starting to cool off here. I'm so ready for fall and winter!

Cardigan: $29.99 at ModCloth. Find it here.
Dress (I'm not wearing the belt with it): $138.00 at Anthropologie. Find it here.
Tights: $8.00 to $10.00 at Target. Find them here. <- I'm honestly not sure if I'm wearing these exact tights but I'm wearing white tights. Oh well.
Shoes: $49.99 at ModCloth. Find them here.
Necklace: $19.99 at ModCloth. Find it here.
Earrings: $11.99 at ModCloth. Find them here.

xx

Day One

This week is sorority recruitment at the college I go to! So I thought I'd blog about each outfit that I'm wearing on the respective days. All the girls I've talked to who have been through this before say that to just be yourself and dress nice, but still be comfy and casual, and you should be as good as mango ice cream*.

Recruitment here is Monday through Friday, but I've heard that some schools have recruitment that can last longer. Yikes! But I'm really excited to get at least a little dressy and attend the respective day. I think it'll be fun! And getting to be included in a group of girls who have fun and raise money for charity sounds like a blast.

Tonight is open house, so I think that'll be the most casual of the days? So I'm dressing as casual as I can get away with, while still looking super cute.

I think I can get away with wearing this. Tomorrow will be even cuter!

Dress: On sale for $19.99 at Head Over Heels. Find it here (and yes, in other colors. I'm going to wear the one in the picture).
Tights**: $37.99 at ModCloth. Find them here.
Shoes: $69.99 at ModCloth. Find them here.
Necklace: $17.99 at ModCloth. Find them here.

I like the necklace. Plus it'll add a pop of gold with the mint of the dress.

Wish me luck this week!

xx

* = I was given that analogy a couple months ago oops.
** = I like the pattern of these a lot. Too bad I'm wearing a maxi dress!

The final hoorah

Sooo I have something coming in the mail next week sometime.

I'll give you two guesses as to what this package could contain.

If you guessed Bath & Body Works products, you'd guess right. What did I say about only needing like, two more scents? And I was able to order them and take huge advantage of the Buy 3 Get 3 Free thing that's still going on. Plus with the coupon code they're offering on their site (free shipping plus a free item that's of $14 value), I took it and ran with it.

And no, I don't have a spending or shopping problem. I literally can quit anytime I want, and I actually am for awhile. Probably until there's a good candle sale, which probably won't be until the end of the year SAS. I already bought the winter scents I wanted from Amazon a couple months ago (Twisted Peppermint, Vanilla Bean Noel, and Winter Candy Apple, but I might try that marshmallow one if it comes out. I'm spacing on what that one is called) and I'm all good.

I'm truly all good. I have enough to last me like.. seven lifetimes, and I realize that. And I'll have what I want and I'll be a very content person. Especially since I can start to wear all my cozy and cooler weather scents. I think I mentioned that a post or two ago.

I'll haul what I got when it gets in the mail. I got the fall scents and a couple other things that I'll save for a surprise! I got some things that aren't fall scent related, but still products, nonetheless. Time to save me some money so I'll have funds to do fun stuff over winter break!

Woo hoo!

xx

Clothes and nearly empties

I slacked hardcore writing this tonight. Oh well. I'm tired (what's new) and I probably would have written this earlier and gone to bed, but all the classes I have tomorrow are online. So all I really have to do tomorrow is go to work and then go home and pass out.

//yolo swag//

Anyway, I promised my followers on Instagram (shoutout to my followers!) that I would get this blog post up. And I will! I just have to talk first! Honestly, I would have this post done by now if my computer wasn't being slower than a turtle and had me shut it down and restart it.

Obvs.

Here's what I wore today.

Yo girl needed that shirt.
Yo girl saw that shirt.
Yo girl bought that shirt.
DUH.

Shirt: $41.45 at Zazzle. I don't know if you want it, but if you do, find it here.
Skirt: I checked the ModCloth website to see if they sell this, but I didn't see it. But I blogged about it before, so if you search down deep enough my "fashion" tag, you'll eventually find it.
Leggings: $24.99 at ModCloth. Find them here.
Shoes: $39.99 at ModCloth. Find them here.

And yes. My munchkins freaked out at the sight of my shoes. They loved them. They're little suckers for pretty much anything animal related, so a few of them had a great time imitating a cow and mooing.

I can't fault them for that. (:

Here's a fun thing that I haven't done before. Here I am, turning even more into a beauty blogger and about to tell y'all about my empties. Or my nearly empties. Honestly only one of these is actually empty oh well. But in case anyone wants to know. Or for future reference.

Here are things that I've either finished, or things that I'm almost finished with.

Sea Island Cotton triple moisture body cream (they don't make the triple moisture body creams anymore and pretty much only make the ultra shea body cream, but you can find triple moistures in scents that aren't really.. idk.. new? Or in some scents that are online only).

Japanese Cherry Blossom bubble bath (I replaced that when I was in Vegas).

Sea Island Cotton travel sized fine fragrance mist (I have two full sized ones).

Japanese Cherry Blossom golden sugar scrum (also replaced in Vegas).

Sea Island Cotton shower gel.

^ do you wonder what my favorite scents are? Ha.

But I'm a huge sucker for anything in those two scents. Moreso Japanese Cherry Blossom. I love it a lot. Even though people associate Sea Island Cotton with me. It's pretty much my trademark scent. I wanted to use up that body cream because even though I probably had another year or so before it started to go bad, I wanted to use it up ASAP. So I tried to go through it as quickly as I could.

Needless to say, I'm a little bit tired of it again so I'm more than happy to jump into the fall time scents and more warming scents. Hello, Warm Vanilla Sugar, Dark Kiss, and Twilight Woods!

I'm also glad to be getting this out before midnight. Go figure.

Love you all!

xx