Milestones are tricky

Hey.

It's-a-me.

Weekend passes to go home are a lot of fun, honestly. Friday (late) afternoon to Monday morning or so? Don't mind if I do. Also, I totally plan on posting every day (including later today) what I wore on that day. Even though it isn't Wednesday. I need to keep at least a little familiarity on here. Because what's the point if people don't even read this.

Anyway.

Friday.

Today.

May 1st.

Definitely not a lot of fun.

If you know me, and many may know me but many may not know what happened, you'll know that something extremely significant, personal, and devastating happened a year ago today. And at the time, I sort of half assed things and said a little what happened on my Tumblr. Looking back, I wish I hadn't done that. I wish I could take a few things that I did when I was dealing with that back.

I'm not going to say what happened. If you know me really well (or happened to see a half assed Tumblr answer), you'll know what happened. And I cannot thank you enough for keeping it between us, because it isn't something that needs to be told. An ex friend of mine apparently told one of her friends and that's something that I've resented her for to this day. There are some things you respect people enough to not throw to the world. This is one of those things.

Anyway, life hasn't been the same since. There hasn't been a day where I haven't cried my heart out still, and that's okay. I know that that's okay. I don't need to be 100% healed a year later and I'm not and that's okay too. It's okay to not be okay. Usually all I want to do is celebrate good milestones (I'm 1,000 days self harm free on June 23rd, fun fact. I'll be three years self harm free on September 26th, another fun fact), but here's a sad milestone. There's a massive pain in my heart. And I've come to terms with it. It's always going to be there. And it's a pain that you truly can't understand unless you've been through it.

When there's good, there's also bad.

Life since May 1st, 2014 hasn't been easy at all. By any means. It went totally downhill then, there was a small uphill that was sent careening down into a fire-y inferno, and yet it's all back uphill. Actually, life since about.. September or so has been a total 180 from what it was, and I'm so thankful and grateful for my support group of friends and a few of my family members (my relationship with my dad is completely non existent and we aren't trying to mend things and we probably never will. I feel like we've both accepted that).

Because I thought one day:

I'm going to stop living the past. Yes, the past happened and it sucked so bad, but it's only going to suck more if you keep living like you are. Yeah, your life sucks. Get up, move forward, and do something about it. You don't want your life to suck forever.

// sidenote, I just sprayed my Bath & Body Works perfume on the back of my shirt instead of the front of my shirt. Haha. Well at least my back is going to smell good! What can you do!

And that's what people need to do. Stop feeling sorry for themselves and do something about it. It's a sucky feeling, but only you can help yourself. Stop waiting around for people to help you up because that's not going to help you. Yes, people can be there to support you but you need to pick yourself up. YOU. These are your problems, not anyone else's.

And I had and still have to keep that little lecture in the back of my head when I'm having an off day about anything in general. Sort of like this day. It's okay to be sad and cry, of course. In my situation, I cry about it every day. But I can keep a happy face at the end of the day. Because I know that the other person in this situation would want me to be happy. I made the other person the happiest person ever. And I have nothing but happy and amazing and hilarious memories. I have no bad memories with that person at all whatsoever.

Milestones are usually really fun.

Some aren't.

So today, I'm going to drink some coffee, look at pictures, watch some videos, and talk with the people who mean the most to me. Then I'm going to journal, read over some old emails between me and a super adorable missionary (he's the coolest, just so everyone knows), and then maybe read.

What do you do when you have a bad milestone date day? I'd love to learn some fun coping methods.

I love you all.

x