• I'm thankful for my sister having the opportunity to live with me/go to (high) school here for a little while. Because of this, we've grown closer as sisters and our relationship is pretty much stronger than ever. We've had up's and down's, but as we've gotten older, we've realized how empty we would be without each other. She's got my back and I have her's.
• I'm thankful for best friends in the time of trash people. Enough said!
• I'm thankful that the hottest pepper in the world, the Carolina Reaper, exists and is able to purchase online. Because guess who's going to attempt to buy and eat one?
• I'm thankful that milk and ice cream exist for the reason above.
• I'm thankful that I can be a bit of a daredevil. (;
• I'm thankful that even though I'm a spoonie, I could be a lot more unhealthy. I'm constantly reminded that while I've been more sick than I am now, I'm not right now*. Things could be a lot worse, and I'm so happy that they aren't.

And probably everyone's answer of why they're thankful on Thursday....

• I'm thankful for tomorrow being Friday!

I love making lists and little reminders of what I'm thankful for. I'm always happy to have reminders of what to be thankful for. I don't take things for granted anymore.

* = summer 2013, anyone? Yikes!

What I Wore Wednesday

Doing the layout of this a teeeeeny bit different, because the formatting of last week looked atrocious and I don't want every week to look that way. Hopefully it'll look better if I upload the pictures and then link to everything at the bottom? I guess we'll see. Yay for testing things out!

(hopefully it looks good!)

Shirt: $23.99 at Charlotte Russe. Find it here.
Skirt: On sale for $34.90 (regularly priced at $58.00) at Humblechic. Find it here.
Tights: $16.00 at Nordstrom. Find them here.
Shoes: $34.99 at Charlotte Russe. Find them here.
Necklace: $14.99 at SexyModest. Find it here.
Earrings (I wore the bottom ones, and yes it's an earring set): $3.90 at Forever21. Find them here.

xx

Late night thoughts

Why?
Why am I surprised?
Why am I shocked?
Why am I crying?
Why?
Why?
Why?

I shouldn't be as surprised as I am, honestly. I truly don't know what I do that causes this to happen. Every. Single. Time. It's like... what do I need to fix?

Do I need to jump off a cliff or something?

Is it the simple fact that I'm breathing? That I'm keeping myself alive?

What am I doing that's so wrong?

And why am I surprised?

I don't need to cry over this. This is not a crying matter, especially when I'm so used to it.

Where is the person that slaps me into reality and screams "Lily, get a freaking hold of yourself! Grow up and stop crying!" in my face? Where is that person?

I am not that person. I cannot do that. I don't know how to do that. Moreso, I don't know how to do that and have myself accurately listen to me. When it comes to things like that, I don't listen to myself. I can't listen to myself. Little things, sure. But telling myself to grow up and stop crying? Nope.

When it comes down to it, I'm basically a big baby. I can do hard things, but God forbid I have a mental breakdown when it comes to things like this.

I'm scared.
I'm sad.
I'm mad.

And I'm worried.

Simply put: I just want to know if you're alive.

x

Thankful Thursday

• I'm thankful that I was able to experience Paris.
• I'm thankful that I got to make my baked Mac & Cheese for Laurel and McKell last night.
• I'm thankful for being able to teach the coolest first graders around.
• I'm thankful that friend breakups may not be hard as I once thought.
• I'm thankful that music from 1999 to 2001 exist and I can have a dance party in my car.
• I'm thankful for the possibility of snow this week.
• I'm thankful for all the friends I've made.

Just a few things in my life and recently that I'm thankful for. I really have a good life. While I'm not spoiled, I have essentials to get by with. I have the best people in my life and the not best people out of my life. This is all for me. I've made sure that 2015 is going to be a "me" year where I put my needs and happiness first, and I'm thankful for that alone. I'm constantly checking myself to make sure I'm where I need to be and who needs to be in my life, and if I'm not happy with it, I make changes and move on.

Picture not mine.

Make a small list of things you're thankful for! Really think about it, think about things you have that you may have overlooked. I wrote out a huge list of things to be thankful for and narrowed it down to just a few things that I ended up putting on the blog. Of course, I left out having a boyfriend/being in love, having a (for the most part) loving family, having a roof over my head, electricity, etc, because if you know me, you'll know that not even a year ago, I was homeless. And I would never wish that on anyone. With being homeless came a learning experience. I learned that I was always taking advantage of having a roof over my head and it sucked when I didn't have that. It sucked when I didn't have running water. It sucked when I didn't have electricity for warmth. I'm now thankful for all of that (and thankful for the jobs I work to get money to pay for it all).

What are you thankful for?

xo

What I Wore Wednesday

I like blogs with themes. Sometimes I like going to a blog and thinking "oh, it's *insert day here*, I know what THIS PERSON'S going to talk about today!", and sometimes I don't. I like #throwbackthursday, I like #mancrushmonday, I like #toplesstuesday*, I like #selfiesunday, I like it all. And maybe I too could jump in that pool.

I was switching off between a "What I Wore Wednesday" and a "What I Love Wednesday", and decided that the former would work better for me, mostly because this is a spontaneous post and I can remember what I wore today, and not what I love**. Plus maybe I can throw out some good style tips? Did everyone just collectively start laughing so hard their stomach hurts? ME giving STYLE TIPS? Haha what in the sam heck. And maybe I can switch off between themes on Wednesdays. It'll give hump day a little more oompf, you know? No? Same.

--

Here is "What I Wore Wednesday".

Note: None of these are my own pictures. Maybe I should have taken a picture or two of each thing (#ootd much), but like I said, I just thought of this now and I have no need to get back into my clothing that I wore today. But I did hunt down most of everything that I own, and I'll list prices and websites as well.

Skirt: $48.00 ON SALE for $34.90 at humblechic.com

Shirt: $26.00 at American Apparel. (this isn't the exact shirt I wore, but this is a very close match)

Belt: $13.99 ON SALE for $13.71 at Bonanza.

Necklace: $27.99 at ModCloth.

Tights: You can get these literally anywhere, but I got mine for $19.90 at Express.

Shoes: $44.69 at Fashionmia.

--

I like modest and cute clothing mostly (actually all the time), and since I'm a teacher, dressing modestly pretty much goes with the job. Other than what I listed, I did wear a couple bracelets and rings, but they're years old and aren't in stores. I usually buy accessories from either ModCloth or Forever 21. And I usually shop at ModCloth, Forever 21, Charlotte Russe, Target, Walmart, and, when I feel like killing my wallet, Anthropologie.

Plus doing What I Wore Wednesday, people can take a look in my metaphorical closet. It's been bare since early October, because when I went on vacation to Australia, the airline lost my luggage when I was flying back home. So everything that was in it was a total goner. Including my $400 camera. Because I didn't pack it in my carry on. Because I'm an idiot.

In any case, this was fun to try out! Hasta la pasta! I'm off to sulk about losing $400 and... probably go do some laundry.

xo

* = okay, maybe Topless Tuesday isn't a thing anymore, and we all basically posted pictures of topless guys on Mondays... haha!
** = I honestly love everything. It's not hard to get me to talk about things I love.

The reoccurring theme

Oh hey, I'm back from Paris.

No pictures yet, and I still have to upload them to Facebook. So much junk to do this month. But oh well. I kind of like being busy.

I talked about the following on my private blog, and I'm going to go a little more in depth about it. But only a little. But it's a learning experience. And sometimes those things will wind up on here. Basically, I've noticed a reoccurring theme with my friends and family. Including my missionary friends. It's not limited to certain people, it's something we all go through in life. And we've already gone through a lot of them. Yes, it's a thing. In fact, it's literally a thing. Basically:

"I can do hard things."

And I can. You can. Every single person can. And we have. We've all done hard things. And this week, I did a hard thing. Okay, it wasn't like the hardest thing I've ever had to do (we won't get into the hardest thing I've had to do, and I probably will never talk about that on here, sorrynotsorry), but it wasn't easy.

I had to break up with a friend.

And I say that it wasn't the hardest because it's not like we were talking or close anyway. So that helped a lot. Before I left for Paris, I blocked both of her numbers. I had unfollowed her on Instagram about a week or so before that. The day I got back from Paris, I unfriended her on Facebook. And I unfollowed her on Tumblr while I was in Paris. Getting someone off from your social media is very important. It helps a lot. You don't want to not be friends with someone and still see them online.

I've never been the one to "break up" with friends because the other person is usually the one who does it to me. But this time, it was my turn. And you know what? I don't feel bad about it. I needed this person out of my life for the longest time, but if you know me, you know I tend to lollygag. A lot. And I lollygagged with this for months. Literally. I was afraid of what would happen if I said it to her because (and I mean this with no offense at all because I can be the same) she's not exactly the person who reacts well to things like that (again, I'm the same).

But then I had to remember what 2015 is all about. It's about me. It's about putting my needs and wants and happiness first before others. I've spent so many years beating myself up and putting everyone before me and it's broken me down. And I'm not going to do that anymore. I need to make myself happy, and that means having people in my life who make me happy.

About a month or so ago, I reblogged a thing on my Tumblr that was a generic "send me a name in this list below and I'll write a letter to that person" ask prompt thing or whatever, and someone asked me to write a letter to my past self. And I had to really think about it. So I wrote a letter to the Lily from... oh, maybe October 2011. Before anything bad happened to her. In it, I included the following:

"You drop some dead weight from your life and you pick pieces up and put them in your life. Some of those pieces are going to be left away, but that's okay. You can't keep everything. Your hands will get full."

And I'm so glad I was sure to tell myself that it was okay. I bolded that part because it's the most important. And what I wrote to myself was true. I'm not going to be able to carry everything because my hands will get full. No one is able to carry everything. And no, in this metaphoric sense, you can't just get a trash bag and put all your stuff in it. Or maybe you can. But eventually that bag is going to get full and break. Then you'll need another bag and carry more stuff in it while carrying your broken bag. It just won't work. And don't expect it to work.

And that's what I did. I dropped a piece so maybe I can pick up another piece along the walk of life. I only want and need good things and people in my life. And now that I did this, I'm happy. I'm even a little bit relieved. It makes me happy that I have the best people in my life. And I love them all.

xoxo

Why do you write?

That's a question I often get, and I think that's a question that every blogger gets about... a million billion times in their blogging careers.

"Why did you start blogging?"

"Why do you write?"

"What about typing words on a computer is enthralling?"

--

I blog to make myself happy. Blogging and just writing in general is the biggest escape for me, other than listening to music and watching Netflix. It's an outlet. And I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't for my therapist when I was in therapy three years ago when I was seventeen.

Three years ago (or right about there), I was not in a good place in my life in every which way. I was going a lot of physical harm to myself, and it was starting to show absolutely everywhere. Mentally, emotionally, etc. My parents wanted to help me, and since what they were attempting to do wasn't helping me at all whatsoever (no offense, it just wasn't the best stuff for me and I do appreciate them at least trying to help), they put me in therapy.

I hated it at first.

I hated all of it. I hated my therapist. I hated him so much. I didn't want to talk to him, and for the longest time (or so it seemed), I didn't. Eventually, I opened up to him and (spoiler alert), I actually still keep in touch with him a little. Easily one of the greatest people who has ever been in my life. He was stubborn, but it was because I was stubborn. He wasn't a "tough love" kind of guy, but he was still able to be stern to where I understood him. I trusted him. When I told him that I relapsed in something, he didn't yell at me. He was silent and let me cry because I felt like a failure. When I told him repeatedly that I was failure, he would tell me that I was a good person and that my actions don't make me a bad person.

One day I told him that I liked to write in journals. At the time, I had a lot of journals that I would write in daily for different things (my personal journal, one for food, etc) and that I've been journaling since I could hold a pencil and have a somewhat general understanding for writing. I told him how I would take my journal to school with me and write in it every chance I could get. My journal when I was seven was one of those super girly ones that actually had a lock that looked like this:

I never had an owl journal, but to give an idea of what my old school journals that Little Lily may have written in, there's a thought.

I explained to the therapist that I liked to write, but couldn't really put into accurate words how I felt about certain things sometimes. He suggested that I make a blog that I could write in and how maybe that would help. I was never a "blog" person, but I didn't want to poo poo his idea, so I tried.

And it pretty much all went up from there. That blog became my private blog that no one else reads. For years, literally, it was public (mostly because I didn't know how to make it private.. ha!), filled with things that -as I look back on it- really don't need to be seen. There's a lot of bad stuff on there, but there's also a lot of good stuff on there. Even though I do blog on this, that blog is my "main" writing blog. I go there to air out anything that I want to say that I want no one to see. And happily, I changed the privacy settings so no one can see it.

I blog, essentially, for making myself feel better. I strongly feel that if my therapist didn't suggest blogging, I wouldn't be typing up this post right now. Sort of weird to think about! But I also blog for amusement. Just for fun, I suppose. It makes me happy. I love writing. I love words. It's one of my favorite things (again, other than Netflix and music).

So when someone asks me why I blog, I just say "because it makes me happy".

xo

Owl journal picture is not mine.

Surprise, surprise

There is absolutely nothing different with how my blog looks, right?

....right??

I mean.. maybe I changed like, one thing.

It's hardly even noticeable. I think.

Lol jk I revamped the entire thing! AND I LOVE IT. Seriously, this is the cutest dang thing I've ever had the pleasure of tinkering with. I got this blog layout with my own money via a seller on Etsy, and the maker(s) were VERY nice to help me out with some things that I needed help done. After having a trial period of me messing around with it on a side blog that I keep private, I felt familiar enough to have it go to this blog. Which means installing/putting in the right codes all over again.

But, again, I was familiar with it. DON'T THE SOCIAL MEDIA ICONS LOOK ADORABLE?! Those came with the layout (sad that I don't have an email one anymore but I could probably tinker more with it again or make a little text thing on the side!) and I love the hover effect! Oh my gosh, I'm not sure if it's good or bad that messing around with blog stuff and HTML makes me this happy. I'm such a freak. There's also a "pin it" hover that'll pop up on pictures if/when I upload any.

Eeeep it's just so cute! I think to make the entire blog that much better, you have to set your computer to "full screen" just to get all of it in one sure fire thing. Though that might depend on the size of your computer and/or your browser. I use Chrome (RIP my days with Safari, gosh dang it).

Anyway, I'm just really happy about this thing and I know that I'm so dorky to talk about it but seriously... HTML makes me so freaking happy. I love messing around with it and whatnot. Except I could never actually do this stuff on my own. I think that'd be way too complicated! I think I'll stick to customizing Blogger layout and Tumblr themes.

xo, Lily

^ see, I need to be cool and do a signature like that or else what good will I be as a blogger?!

Rule number one: no crying on vacation!

HI I'M IN PARIS.

Except... I hardly speak French (thanks to myself for taking Spanish in high school and not wanting to go to Spain. Although it did come in handy when I went to Mexico and when I will be in Mexico next month BUT ANYWAY). But I know the basics. And thanks to my BFF Google Translate, I'll probably get to know a little more.

Laurel and I are having a blasty blast. We've already been to Tour Eiffel and been on a boat. That was a lot of fun. I'll post pictures in a whole separate post later on in the vacation. Or when I'm home. Whichever works. It's Thursday morning here and all I really want to do is eat breakfast or cry.

Even though it's very illegal to cry on vacation. I always seem to manage crying while on vacation. When Brooklyn and I went to Australia in late September/early October of last year, I managed to cry a lot. Most of the crying was my own fault, but also Cute Anon told me who he was then, and even though I totally knew who he was already (Nancy Drew was never wrong), I still felt like crying.

I cried a lot that day, now that I think about it.

ANY.WAY.

It's illegal to cry on vacation, but I did something stupid. Like always. I made a poor choice on impulse (nothing bad) and now I'm $10 short on something that I really wanted because I'm dumb. However, the impulse buy I had was a blog layout for THIS EXACT BLOG! I'm pretty good with blog layouts, and I have one layout that's currently on my private word blog that I got from the same seller and it's super cute. The one that I got that's intended for this blog is I guess more "sleek" looking, whereas the one on my private blog is more "cute". But both layouts are from the same seller (I got them both from a seller on Etsy! Etsy is THE go-to place for all things blog!) so it should be easy to install.

So don't be surprised if you see an entire different layout than this more "simple" layout (even though I love simple). Even though I don't know how many people actually do read this thing. Somehow let me know (through any social media) if you still read this! That way I'm not actually wasting money!

Anyhow, I think I'm going to get dressed, shower, go to breakfast with Laurel, and then go to the Louvre and take pretty pictures of pretty things.

Au Revoir!

Sports post number one

My head is buzzing and I'm not okay.

Alright, I'm actually okay, but I'm not okay.

Can I make a vent/rant/whatever this will be blog post about the Super Bowl?

I can? Great!

(sidenote, I totally feel like Steve from Blue's Clues when I ask a question to absolutely nobody!)

Like... I honestly thought we were going to win! We, meaning Seattle. We were THIS close! We were down by four points -only FOUR POINTS!!!- with about twenty seconds left in the game. And we were on the ONE yard line. The ONE FREAKING YARD LINE. All we had to do was freaking punch it in (also I would love to say the actual f bomb instead of "freaking", but I'm keeping it nice), right? Right?!?!

Well... apparently not. We decide to freaking throw the ball on the one yard line instead of giving it to Beast Mode. Who I truly believe would have made a touchdown which would have ended the game with a Seattle win instead of what happened.

Oh. What did happen?

A freaking New England player intercepted the ball and took a knife and stabbed every Seahawk fan in the heart. But I mean... that was such a crappy call! WHY IN THE HECKITY HECK WOULD YOU THROW THE BALL AT THE ONE FREAKING YARD LINE??

WHY?

THAT'S POINTLESS.

I'm just bitter and upset that it had to end that way. I don't like the Patriots, but nor are they my least favorite team. I don't like Tom Brady at all whatsoever, but he isn't my least liked quarterback. I mean, that stupid team is good for a reason. They have extremely good coaching on all ends (and I'm not saying that Seattle doesn't, but I don't really think NE's offensive coordinator would do what our offensive coordinator did) and they won because of it. I could have said that they won fair and square, but with the #deflategate crap that's going on.... I would have felt weird saying that (and sometimes I take a shot at a team because I'm bitter BUT I'LL GET OVER IT).

And like I literally just said: I'll get over it. It's a game. Literally, that's all it is. A game. That game in no way shape or form affected me. Sure that play hurt (a lot), and a lot of Patriot fans are being very sore winners (come on now, no one likes a sore winner) but nothing happened besides that. I mean, after I saw the interception, I made Austin leave with me because I didn't want to watch the rest of the game and I bawled my eyes out all the way back to the hotel, but it's just a game.

A harmless little (ish) game. And it's okay. I do take my sports seriously, but I can also take a loss like a good sport (as long as I'm allowed to be a teeny bit upset about it for a little while) and that's something that many people I know can't do. Like... chill, it's a game! <- and that's something that I'll be telling myself often.

"Lily... chill. It's a game. Yeah that play stung but put some aloe on your skin to cool it off and move the heck on! Seattle's going to be awesome next season just like they were this season! All you can do is go forward and leave the game in the past."

Also, now that football season is over..... IT'S BASEBALL SEASON!

Maybe I'll talk about my extremely sudden love for baseball next time! It'll be a sports series and it'll be great! Ha! But I won't talk about basketball because I hate basketball.