LSB is what I call myself. It's short for Law School Barbie, which is what I am, ironically. Yes, I started law school this week and I couldn't be more happy about my choice of going through with it. Over the last few weeks, I was thinking about not going and fall back on teaching, which was my Plan B and what still is my Plan B. But yesterday I bit the bullet and took law school by storm. AKA I had a really good time both yesterday and so far today.

Every day, I pass by the "Welcome Class of 2019" poster on the wall and while I'm not in frame of the photo of other students, I'm confident that I made the right choice for me personally. The only super weird part is that I go to my rival school.

Ute now, Aggie forever.

That's all I'm able to write up at the moment. While I want to blog more, I have these things again called priorities. Go figure.

What I've been up to

To be honest, I'm not even sure how this is going to look. My laptop broke and I need to get a new one really stinking soon because... I start law school next week. Technically, I'm already in law school as I've been at orientation the last week and will conclude it on Friday. So since I have no computer, I'm on my phone using an app. And it's not even the Blogger app because that app is so outdated. I'm using the BlogGo app which costed $2.99 I think and is optimized for the iPhone 5s, I think.

But that's fine. I can deal with this because it's more up to date than the Blogger app is.

To be honest, I haven't done all that much. I've just been traveling all around Utah. This last weekend I was in Saint George with all my friends and one of them purposely ran out of gas, so that was an event! I've been back in Logan about ten billion times since I moved to Salt Lake City, and in about a year, I'm planning on moving back up there and probably just commute to school because I don't know how to care anymore (jk I totally care) only because I love Logan so much.

I bought a car. You know that car commercial that Jim Gaffagan is in? I bought that car. Not the hugest fan of him (sorry) but I am a fan of the car so let's say Chrysler did good with those commercials because I love my new car. I still have the slug bug I bought last year, but I'll probably just hand-me-down it to my sister. She can't go anywhere other than USU with it though because I have a couple of USU/Aggie stickers on it. College life.

Plus I like having a car with so much room now. I can actually take my dog places. Complete bonus points there!

I've been watching the Olympics. Obviously Team USA is crushing it. Swimming and gymnastics are my favorite sports to watch and I'm sad they're over now. Track and field just bores me, sorry not sorry.

Obviously watching Big Brother and obviously disgusted by Paulie. Please self evict.

Other than all of the above, I haven't done all that much, I'm sad to say. I've been cracking down in law stuff and working, pretty much. Time to go back to being boring and having a life.

Go me!

Them there Q and A's

Hey friends,

I found this cool link up thing or whatever those are called, called "What's Up Wednesday", I think that's what it is. Basically I just answer eleven questions and you all are supposed to answer the same ones. I thought "aw heck, I'm at the library studying the LAW, I might as well take a break and actually do something fun*".

Ha.

So I'm going to answer these questions. I'm just going to change the "we's" with "I's" because my house isn't the zoo it used to be when I was living in Logan and had ten billion people living with me at any given time. Moving to Salt Lake has its own pro's and con's.

Pro: It's SLC.
Con: It's not a zoo.

Oh well.

Here are the questions:

And here are the answers.

1. I'm not really eating anything different this week. I'm still 100% vegetarian and I'm gearing up to go vegan. I found really delicious vegan ice cream, and vegan cheese is already my favorite kind of cheese, so I'm good on vegan dairy products. Just a lot of fruits and vegetables and knock off, self-made Apple and Green smoothies like Jamba Juice makes. Salad is my new favorite thing to eat, even if it means having to pick out tomatoes. I HATE tomatoes!

2. I'm not really sure. Maybe living in Logan? I go through bouts of missing that dang place often. Logan, Utah is the most magical place ever and I just know I'm going to move back there one of these days. Law school is going to be keeping me in Salt Lake City for the next few years, but I'll move back to Logan at some point in my life. It's too great to move away from and not come back to. I love everyone there so much. The people are so wonderful and nice and warm and welcoming.

3. I'm loving a number of things. I recently re-found one of my messenger bags (it looks sort of like this but not exactly, and I got it for $18 at a music and arts festival in Seattle) and I use it everywhere I go now. It's my new favorite thing. I'm also loving a lot of the new music that's been coming out the last couple of months. I like alternative music the best, and let's just say I'm not hating what I've been hearing.

4. I haven't been up to too much, just working at my internship and gearing up for law school. I was offered a really awesome job just yesterday, and I'm going to accept it. So having three jobs on top of law school next month is going to be keeping me really busy. Plus I've heard that the upcoming 19th season of Big Brother is going to be airing this Fall. Let's just pile on more things to occupy my head, right?

5. I'm not dreading too much. Maybe being too stressed? The extremely hot temperatures here? Nothing really too major on that front.

6. I'm working on law school prep stuff and also working on figuring out what I'm going to eat for the rest of the week. Yes, I meal plan. Some people are into it and some people aren't. It just works for me if I do plans because it helps me remember and so I know I'm not going to eat anything that makes me uncomfy. But sidenote, I'm killing my eating disorders and I'm making major dents in my recovery all around. I sometimes honestly feel like I'm fully recovered, but I know I'm not. I'm close to it though. I'm so close.

7. I'm excited about a ton of things! I'm going to a concert next month with a friend, I'm going to law school (have I said that yet?), my two best friends are dating, and July is almost over!

8. I'm not reading anything that isn't law related right now, and my Netflix and Hulu rotations include NCIS, Bones, Drunk History, and The Joy of Painting. All of those are me in a nutshell if we're being honest. Except maybe not the "drunk" part. But I would probably be a joy to have on that show even when I'm sober. Go me.

9. I'm currently listening to David Bowie. Can we just take a second to realize that right after he died was when all this messy stuff started happening in the world this year? David Bowie was truly the glue holding this world together and you can't convince me otherwise, bye.

10. This weekend, I'm taking my sister down to Provo so she can see some of her Provo and BYU friends, and so she can check out the campus. I don't know her college dreams, but she better go to USU. (:

11. I'm just looking forward to this month being over so I can have a fresh month. And because it's the start of preseason football, which gets me another month closer to actual football. #GoHawks

12. Really, nothing else is new. I went to a concert last night, but that's about it. I'm really not interesting anymore y'all, sorry!

This was fun though! I don't know if I get to answer the same questions every week, but I'll answer the same ones if I need to.

* = Hahahahahahahaha jk! I love the law! The law is so fun!

To myself

I saw yet another thing on Facebook from two years ago and I wrote a status about how life was hard and I didn't want to do it anymore. So I had an idea. Here it goes.

"Dear Lily in July 2014,

First and foremost, I love you. You're incredible and worthy of a wonderful life. The things you were dealing with sucked. It wasn't fair to you that bad thing after bad thing after bad thing happened to you. You of all people didn't deserve that. I wouldn't wish the things you've been through on my worst enemy. You went through a lot of crap and you're still going through a lot of crap.

But you know what? Those things are going to ever so slightly start to decrease. You're going to stop talking to that idiot who you thought liked you. That guy who said would never abandon you and then turn around and do that exact thing. You aren't going to be homeless. Taylor Swift is going to release her song Shake It Off and it's going to become your anthem. Just shake it off, Lily. Shake it off.

One of the biggest things that's going to change your life for the better is that you're going to start college classes again in late August. You're going to start school again and that's going to be the best thing for you. You need to go to school. And you need to go to work. Those are going to be the two things you'll need to keep going. And you know what? You do it. You do work and you do go to school. And you'll start to be happier. It won't be immediate, and you're still going to have bad days, but you're going to have far more good days than bad.

I promise you, it won't always be bad. I'm from July 2016. I promise you with my whole heart, you're going to be happier. In fact, you're going to be the happiest you've ever been. Later on in 2014, you're going to have your best friend Brooklyn live with you before she goes on her mission. You're going to live with your best friend, and who doesn't want that? Exactly. Living with your best friend is going to be the coolest experience for the both of you. Hannah will come over once in awhile and all you're going to do is play Mario Party on the Nintendo 64.

You're going to go to Australia, Lily. AUSTRALIA! Because you found your passport under your bed and wanted to take a trip. You're actually going to fall in love when you're there, but you don't know that yet. You're also going to take advantage of the drinking age and cry a lot. Get ready for that. But it all makes for a funny story afterwards. Like right now I'm laughing over it and texting Brooklyn "remember that guy who hit on me when I was drunk in Australia?". It's not funny to you now though, because it hasn't happened.

Like I said, you're going to fall in love. You're going to fall in love and not even know it, to be honest. It's going to take you a little bit to realize that, but you do. And it's going to add to your happiness. So Lily, don't give up. Life is worth living, no matter how bad you feel right now. It won't always be this way. It's going to get better, and you from the future is a perfect example of that. You aren't homeless anymore. You're going to law school in about a month. You live in Salt Lake City. You have a dog. You have a hedgehog.

You have happiness. And you are so loved. You're so loved, I don't even know how loved I am. Funny how things like that work.

But you're happy and you're thriving. Don't ever give up.

Love, Lily from July 2016."

Best idea I've had today.

The house I called home

I posted a picture on my Instagram yesterday of one of my old houses that I lived in when I was in high school. I moved around a few times when I was a junior in high school, and I lived in that house for the end of junior year and for all of my senior year of high school, until I moved to Utah for school. That house was the best house I ever lived in. Everything about it was so perfect. I mean, we had a projector in the basement and used it as a movie and video game room. How cool is that, right?

Totally!

Well, it got sold. My parents finally sold the thing.

The crappy thing about having divorced parents is that they downgrade completely and that means moving into smaller homes. My dad (and his gross girlfriend) lives one town over from my mom now, and she already closed on a smaller house because it's just her and my brother when he's there (my sister moved here to stay with me for her senior year of high school).

It's sad seeing that house go to other people, especially when I think about the time they lived in Texas when I lived in Texas. I hardly remember living there, honestly. But they kept that house in Washington and got a smaller house there. That they sold when they moved back to Washington soon after I moved back to Utah. It's whatever. Texas is dumb, don't ever go there.

That house was my home. I don't think any place I've lived since or will live will be as good as that house. That was the closest thing to home I've ever got. Until, ya know, when I die and then I go home to see Jesus. But that's, like, another story. And I'm being literal.

But anyway, the memories I had there were the best. The Bake-a-thon 2013 that Brooklyn, Hannah, Maddie, Shelby, Brielle, and Maddy will understand is always the first thing that comes to my head. Water balloon fights outside. The slip 'n slide. The freaking treehouse that's in the backyard that my sister and I wanted to live in for an entire summer but we couldn't because my parents heard on the news of a murderer being on the loose.

Freaking sneaking out at night and getting into cars owned by older high school and college aged boys and kissing them. It's fine. We'd kiss for awhile and then we'd go get Taco Bell or something. And then I'd sneak back it like a cliche, coming of age teenage movie starring Hilary Duff as me, probably. Just kidding. Probably Anna Sophia Robb. She's my celeb twin. Get over it.

I know I'll never go back to Washington because I have no need, but I loved that house. That was my house. It'll always be my house. Years from now, I want to maybe eventually go back there and talk to the owners and talk to them about all the adventures and fun times I had there. Plus on the bright side of all of this, my mom wants to move to Utah somewhere. Possibly in Logan, or possibly near where I live now. It's up in the air because of my brother and all of the things that she and my dad have set up, but I would LOVE if she took my brother and moved them down here.

Then I really wouldn't have a need for that place anymore. How absolutely fantastic of a thought is that?! (:

Anyway, I just wanted to talk about my old house and how much of a home it actually was. Plus it got me through summer 2013, and that was a very bad year for my health. Not as bad as summer 2014, but pain wise, it was the worst. I'm doing better though. I love where I live and the area is quite adorable.

Time flies

Originally, I wanted to write out this post about the hoe-like things I did in high school that essentially was me sneaking out of the house at like, two in the morning to get into the cars of other high school boys and drive off to some location for a few hours. I never really told anyone about that, nor about the things I'd do with those boys*.

I mean, it wasn't anything ~super bad~ but like.. I wouldn't do that stuff now if I could go back in time. And hey, a lot of times, we'd end up at Taco Bell and got something to eat before I got dropped off at my house. The funny thing about that is that with each guy I did that with, we never talked at school. We just went on by in our little high school lives.

I probably did that with a few high school guys and a couple college aged guys.

It's whatever. I don't do that anymore.

This morning I was puttering around Facebook and checked out the "On This Day" thing that I always forget to look at, but always want to look at. Today, two years ago, I was on my way back to Logan, also on my way to not being homeless anymore. That was such a trip to see and read. I remember that part like it was yesterday. I think at that point I didn't care what was happening to me (I needed brain surgery), I just wanted to be back in my cute little townhouse in the Cache Valley.

And that happened. And then I got brain surgery. Then I had like, a forty minute conversation with the guy I liked/was pretty much forced to get over (lol @ him). I don't know. I've been sort of thinking about him lately, which is garbage because every time I think about him, I get really angry for a few days until I somehow make myself stop.

He and I never dated, nor did really any guy I've ever liked, but I act like I dated all of them because I don't talk to any of them and they don't talk to me. But I've really only had two real boyfriends. Probably because I'm "crazy". Oh well. It's fine.

Anyway, this entire month for me is so weird because of 2014. That was the stupidest year of my life, and I'm sad that it still has a hold on me. For more than one reason, it'll always have a hold on me. I've accepted that long ago, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, because it'll always hurt.

I think this is the most open I've been about that month and that year in awhile, and that says a lot, because I hardly talked about it above. I'd really like to make a post about that entire year and go month by month, but all of that is really personal and I'd name drop and call people names and blow up, and I don't want to do that. I'm pretty public about things, but I don't need to be public about things on here all the time. So I might make that a private word blog post.

Basically, time is flying and I couldn't be more happy. I recently moved away from Logan into the Salt Lake area, and I'm so so blessed. My sister is living with me for her senior year, and she's got a cute little romance with a guy who works at a fro yo shop. I recently added another member to my family and got a hedgehog. Her name is Alice and she's a total doll. Bear, my dog, even gets along with her. I recently got my dream internship/job that's going to look so awesome on my resume. This is my last month of "freedom", as I go from a 0L to a 1L (in law school terms, someone who has been accepted to a first year student) AKA start law school.

I think the term I can use right now in my life is "thrive". I'm thriving and I'm doing well with my eating disorders and my health (it's as good as it's been in a really long time) and I'm feeling pretty good. I have the three f's in my life (faith, family, friends <- in that order) and... I'm just happy and thriving in my life.

July 2016 > July 2014

* = maybe like.. some stuff.... but not a lot of stuff... lol just ask me yourself if you really wanna know

July 4

Hello, blog readers. Sorry it's been awhile since I've been on here. I took a lot of last month to move and take time for myself and that meant not blogging for a little bit. Don't worry, I'm still on here. I've also been trying to find law-related internships to I can make my resume really pretty come law school and beyond.

Anyway, that's probably not what people want to read about.

July 4 isn't really one of those fun holidays that everyone seems to always have, from what I see on my Facebook feed or my Instagram timeline or even all the memes on Tumblr. It used to be one of those fun get together holidays when I was younger, and my family would all be together at a home of a family member that was on the beach and all of us kids would have a blast playing around with each other on the water and then we'd all fall asleep before or during the firework show.

Recently, it hasn't been like that. This month is always tough for me, and it's been tough for me for the last two years.

I was homeless two years ago this month. The circumstances were out of my hands and I had no power in it. Things happened the way they did and I have no ill will to the people who left me homeless, honestly. They're wonderful people and to this day, they feel bad about it. Who I do have ill will towards is my dad and the family members he brainwashed to make me seem like The Worst Person Ever.

I had nowhere to go and no one to stay with where I was. Ironically, I was left smack in the middle of my hometown in Washington State. My hometown is pretty big, but I had no friends there at the time. I didn't know what to do, and the guy I liked at the time told me that we could hang out, but only for the day because he was active military at that time. Which was so nice at the time, but I needed shelter for more than just a day.

He sucks now, but that was a really nice gesture. Thanks boo.

My friend who went to the University of Washington campus in Tacoma saved me for a little while, and let me live with her in her dorm for a few days while I tried to find a place with what very little money I had with me. I had given my dad $8000 of my own money to put into his bank account because I was really hesitant to put it into mine, and when I learned I needed to leave, I asked my dad if he could give me my money so I could just get a plane ticket back to Utah because that would have saved everything.

He didn't do that though. And that essentially left me homeless.

I couldn't find a place with the money I had, so my friend dropped me off back in my hometown and that was that. I camped out at a Starbucks until closing, trying my best to find something, anything, that would give me a roof over my head. All I wanted was a roof over my head.

If you enter my hometown "the front way", you have to drive under this massive bridge. Massive because it's so high up. I remember walking along it that night after Starbucks closed and I thought how easy it would be if I just jumped off it*. I was so close to jumping off that bridge, it wasn't funny. I don't know what sort of force kept me from jumping off of it, but I didn't.

I kept walking.

I entered a little park and I slept in my luggage overnight. That's what I did.

A miracle came to me in the form of my friend who was going to school in Tacoma, and she saved my life. I can't remember too much after that (that time in my life is a major blur) but I remember being in a hotel. I remember my dad calling me because I also needed brain surgery and he knew that. Eventually I got back into Utah, the guy I liked completely ripped my heart out, I got brain surgery, and I was put back into where I lived in Utah.

I'm lucky. I was only really homeless for a short amount of time. Many people aren't that lucky and have been homeless for a very long time. I think about that time in my life very often and I could hardly last a day outside at night, and I don't know what I would have done if I was out there longer. I'm grateful to have a warm house to live in, I'm grateful to have running water, I'm grateful for the roof over my head, I'm grateful that I have clothes that fit me to wear, I'm grateful for my family who stuck by me, I'm grateful for the friends who have stayed in my life, and I'm grateful for my amazing Heavenly Father who has a plan for me, even if that means being homeless.

And I'm extremely grateful for my friend who snatched me up and took me back to Tacoma.

B, I love you so much and there isn't one day that passes where I don't thank you.

The summer of 2014 wasn't easy for me, and 90% of that entire year wasn't easy for me. But when you recover from brain surgery, talk to an idiot guy and get him out of your life, and go back to school, things get a lot better.

I'm blessed and I'm lucky.

Today I'm sitting at my desk listening to the new Bastille song with happy tears falling down my face because I'm blessed, I'm lucky, and I'm happy. I'm not healthy and I won't ever be, but I'm lucky.

I have the best people in my life, and I'm lucky.

* = that bridge was popular for jumpers. There's a high fence on the sides now to prevent jumping.

June 13

Happy June 13! I know that no one is really going to understand what's so special about June 13, but let me tell you how much meaning it has for me personally. Two things happened to me at two different times in my life that were completely life changing.

On June 13, 2012, I was in the hospital. In 2012, I was really struggling with my weight and eating disorders. I was in the hospital because I weighed only eighty six pounds. In 2012, I knew I was struggling with my eating, and I didn't want anyone to help me. I thought that I could handle it on my own and help myself, so I lashed out at people who would genuinely try to help me. But no, I was stubborn and insisted I could fix myself.

I learned that sometimes you may need someone to help you out along the way. And it doesn't make you a bad person if you admit defeat and reach out for help. I didn't do that, and it got to the point where people interfered and helped me, for me, not caring about any tantrum I may have thrown.

My body was almost completely shut down four years ago today. My heart was already bad to begin with, and this wasn't helping it at all. I didn't know it at the time (and now I fully understand), but your heart could stop at any given time when you have a weight that low with the body type that I had (I'm 5'2"). I didn't know that, and when I learned that when I got out, it terrified me.

Four years later, I'm doing better. I don't weigh eighty six pounds anymore. I'm not 100% better, and spoiler alert for mostly me, it's never going to get better. I may be able to eat pizza without feeling bad (most of the time), but I'm always going to think about it in the back of my head. Things like that aren't something you get rid of. It's always going to be there with you even when you are fully healed (and this is simply my opinion - if you think differently then that's you).

Three years ago, on June 13, 2013, I graduated high school. Something I never thought I would have done. I thought I was going to be dead a year before. But I accomplished something that I never thought I'd do, and I'll always be proud of myself for that. Also a year before, 2012, I attempted suicide three times. And each time didn't work. At the time, I was so angry that each time didn't work. I can't even remember how angry I was.

But now, I'm so happy that it didn't happen. I'm so happy and SO blessed to still be here. I mean, I freaking graduated high school! That was one of my proudest moments, and while I still faked my happiness more times than I didn't, the pictures of my graduation that are on my Facebook account are of my genuinely being happy. I tackled a lot over the course of my senior year of high school, and I killed it. And I walked away from high school with flying colors.

Those are really the only two major things to happen to me on June 13. I always make time to remember those two things because they're so important to me. Some things like recovering or graduating deserve to be remembered because they're a major part of your life and they're also a part of you. Don't be afraid to celebrate life or that you graduated high school three years ago. I know I'm going to be making a post just like this one year from now.

I love you all so much.

Unchained

Today is a really good day for me.

Why is that?

I officially got my last name changed. No, I didn't get married. No, I don't plan on getting married for a long time. I honestly probably won't get married until I'm around... forty. So boys, you all can stop lining up to propose to me.

lolz.

But really, this is really serious to me, even though it's a good thing. I filled out some paperwork, I paid some money, and now my last name isn't what it was. I never thought I'd ever do something like this, to be honest. I always thought I would float about in life with my last name until I got married and then I'd change my last name to whatever last name my husband has.

I was born with my dad's last name.

I have my mom's maiden name now.

It's funny, because when I was born, my mom was so out of it on pain meds that I actually had her maiden name on my birth paper until it was changed probably around the time I started school. And now it's my last name.

My dad is not a good man. In fact, he's an awful man. And that sounds bad to some people, I'm sure, but it's the truth. I grew up in what you'd call a "typical" LDS family. I have a younger sister and a younger brother. My parents loved each other and they loved us. And to me, all of that changed when I graduated high school and moved to Provo, Utah to attend school at BYU.

After that, everything changed. My dad and I had an incredible relationship. I had a lot of the same interests he did, and he was one of the people who made me think "wow, teaching sounds pretty cool" because he's a teacher. He loved working on cars, so naturally I wanted to learn about cars so I could work on them with him. I remember when I was around seventeen, I was going through a lot of personal things in my life. I was being abused in several different ways, and I was just done with a lot of things.

He bought a 1958 Edsel from a friend that badly needed repair (then again - that entire model wasn't great to begin with) and we worked on it together. I remember working on cars with him took my mind off of a lot of things. We eventually got it not 100% restored, but 98%. I was so proud of it because it was one of the things I had a big hand in doing. It wasn't a "Lil, pass me that wrench" type of thing, it was a "Get in there, kid, and work on that engine" type of thing.

He also had a Mustang from 1957 that he let me drive to school because a person who won't be named smashed my car windows and they needed to be replaced. And I have this sheepish smile on my face right now at the thought of that memory because I remember feeling so boss pulling up to school in it.

Anyway, we had really good memories up until I graduated. To this day I don't know what happened, but my safe assumption is that he got mad at me because I grew up and moved. I was going to move to Utah and not be at home, where I had been for the last eighteen years. I didn't really think I completely believed that theory, but he's been getting snippy at my sister, who will be a senior in high school in the fall. Not only that, but she's moving here to finish out school.

I changed my last name because my dad left me homeless almost two years ago exactly. It'll be two years in July. I had $8000 of my own money that I didn't feel comfortable putting into my bank account, so I asked him if he could put it in his. Which ultimately was the biggest mistake of my life, because when I was about to be homeless when I was in my hometown for that summer, I needed to go home to Utah. I needed money for a plane ticket, and he wouldn't give it to me.

I changed my last name because my dad has told me countless times that he wishes I was never born.

I changed my last name because my dad yells at me every time I talk to him instead of talks normally.

I changed my last name because my dad wouldn't always let me talk to my mom when she was sick.

I changed my last name because my dad told me recently to drink bleach.

I changed my last name because my dad has told me to kill myself.

I changed my last name because my dad has a girlfriend (no, my parents' divorce isn't finalized yet) who's closer in age to me than him*.

I changed my last name because I refuse to have the same last name as my dad that person.

I don't live that "typical" LDS life (and let's be real - the cookie cutter LDS life has never been for me) and I haven't since I was eighteen. Most dad's are there for you when you have major heart surgeries. Most dad's are there for you when you undergo a heart transplant. Most dad's are there for you when you have a baby.

Mine wasn't. Mine never will. I've accepted that, and eventually I'll get a father figure in my life, but now is not that time. And I'm okay with that, but I'm a really independent person who doesn't need to be tied down to anyone. Do I like someone? I mean.. duh. But I don't see wedding plans anytime soon at all whatsoever.

Having a new last name is so.. freeing. I feel free. I feel liberated. I don't feel a dark storm cloud following me everywhere I go anymore. I don't feel like I'm going to be verbally abused out of nowhere. I feel incredible.

So, allow me sort of re-introduce myself.

My name is Lillian Kate. My last name used to begin with an N, but now it begins with a B.

You may call me Lillian, but I typically like Lily or Lil, if you're feeling casual.

I'm the same in many ways, but now I'm very different.

I'm free from chains.

* = For the record, I'm twenty one.

When one door closes

Another one opens.

I can't fathom how many times that saying has calmed me down from certain scenarios. This week being one of them. Today was the last day of school, and the last day of me being a teacher. For the last two school years, I've been a teacher to the coolest first graders in the entire world.

I just came onto the blog after making a post on my Tumblr (link to that is in the sidebar) about how sad I am about it, because I'm terribly heartbroken about it. The journey I went on to becoming a teacher took a little while, but I'm proud of myself for doing what I've wanted to do for awhile. There aren't many things I'm proud of myself for doing (self confidence levels), but being a teacher and being a photographer are the two things that make me proud.

Teaching and photography are the two things that have always come naturally to me. My parents were teachers, and my dad still is. My mom has been sick for a long while now, and before that, she was a teacher and then she ran a daycare. I've been around teaching and kids for a majority of my life, and I didn't think I wanted to be a teacher at first, no matter how I thought about it.

When I was at BYU, I wanted to be a social worker. Then I realized that that wasn't for me and that I wanted to be a psychologist instead, so I went ahead and majored in Psychology. Then I wanted to major in Photography. Then I moved. Then I moved back to Utah. It was between then that I realized I wanted to work with kids, but I didn't know what specifically I wanted to do, so I tried the Family Life major. It wasn't for me, and I knew that.

After a little bit, I finally settled with my Elementary Education major, emphasizing in Social Studies. And I double majored in Elementary Education and Art (emphasizing in Photography). I finally had all of that figured out, and I was so happy that I was able to know what I wanted to do. It was awesome. And being able to teach in the 2014-2015 and the 2015-2016 school years were the best. Like I said, it came so naturally to me.

These were the two things that were so fluid to me and I understood how things worked and how they didn't. When I didn't know something, I wasn't afraid to ask questions for once. Teaching and photography are the two most rewarding things, because it's not just about me. It's about others. It's about the kids, it's about the parents, it's about the people who tell their stories while getting their picture taken.

I just want to help kids get smarter and to listen to what people have to say through images. Those are so important to me and I want to do it more and more. Putting those two things (moreso teaching) on the back burner breaks my heart. I'm not going to stop photography, but I am going to not be doing it as much when I go to law school, because I hear that law school is incredibly time consuming and I hear that it's easy to not even have a job in the first year because it's going to take up all your time. So I'm going to take that advice and not photograph as much. However, since it really is my main source of income, I won't be quitting all together.

Yes, I graduated with a degree in Elementary Education, and yes, that's a perfect fall back option if law school doesn't go the way I want. I'm not going to blow law school on purpose just so I can go back to teaching, not at all. But I'm definitely keeping that option out there if I don't like it. Except I won't be back here where I am, and I'll be in SLC instead. But teaching is teaching. If law school doesn't pan out, I would be happy to go anywhere. I'm so thankful to have even had the chance to teach. It's incredible. And little kids are the coolest people ever.

I'm just riding the struggle bus, and it's a little difficult. Change isn't easy for a lot of people, and if yo know me, you know that I'm the worst at change. I hate change, I can't stand change, I hate it. But I'm dealing with it. Law school could be the best thing ever and I'll have to just find that out for myself. It's okay to be sad about a chapter ending in your book of life. Bigger and better things could be coming my way.

We'll have to see.

Getting out of the funk

My lack of blogging has been evident to me. I don't know how many people see this, and that's okay. But I feel like the fact that this is public and it's like I'm sort of on some sort of non existent throne is why my blogging has been lacking.

No worries, my B&BW collection will still be blogged.

I think it's the level of self confidence that's been keeping me away from this, and there's really nothing wrong with that, but I just want to be a better blogger. I started blogging just over four years ago in a blog that isn't public, and I would blog on that thing almost every day, and it's evident from the amount of posts that I have on there. Once upon a time, that blog was public and for everyone. It was just on a whim where I looked at my blog traffic and where it was coming from that I realized

"Oh, alright, someone in Russia is viewing my blog from a completely unknown-to-me source. I should probably do something about that."

Sorry to the Russian who was reading that blog. But some things need to stay kept away from the public.

So after a ton of thought, I thought I would make a blog that's totally open to everyone who wants to read my words. And you're on that blog, reading said words right now. But because this is public, I feel like I have to live up to a certain type of standard exactly because this is public. It's like all eyes are on me, and I sort of feel like that's putting pressure on me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to blog on here. This thing isn't going anywhere and I'm not going anywhere. But I just feel like I was more exciting. I wish my life was more exciting. Really, the only thing that's getting me stoked is that my friend is coming home from her mission in a couple of weeks and that I'm moving to Salt Lake City. Both exciting things, but nothing that could be deemed as "social media worthy".

Ah, social media. Good ol' social media. Another thing that pressures me to be exciting.

It's almost like it isn't fun anymore. I feel like I have to post something to my Instagram or tweet whatever incoherent nonsense that I'm thinking at the time. I've embedded in my head that I need to post something on Instagram at the exact same time every day, and it'll be "so bad" if I don't do that.

Every. Single. Day.

At

Every. Single. Time.

Like.. that's crazy. Why should I keep doing that? And odds are, it's a photo of the Temple or a photo of something I took while I was on vacation in Europe.

Why do I not post what I'm wearing or the view outside my house or of my car or what I'm eating?

To put it simply, I just don't think what I'm doing right now is interesting. I don't feel like I'm in a place to post anything super current on my Instagram. I don't feel like I have anything that'll resonate with people on Twitter.

I don't feel like I have anything to give to social media or to people reading this.

I feel boring. And yeah, I do hope to snap out of this funk I am, but I have to find ways to shake it. I don't feel like anyone who follows me on Instagram specifically will care all that much if I take a day or two to shake off a funk. Besides, I don't really think people post on there every single day. They don't feel like they need to post every day.

Maybe I should take a page from those people and do that myself.

I really do want to get back into blogging and posting things on here. I don't post what I wear on here anymore, and that's probably something that's been noticed. I don't try to keep up and follow what the trends are anymore. I don't blow money the first chance I get on clothes from ModCloth and F21 and DownEast anymore. I have clothes (and if you know me, you know that that wasn't always the case - I used to go about my day wearing socks with holes and long sleeved shirts with holes all over them) and I don't have that massive need to blog what I wear now.

I suppose you could say I "grew up".. no offense to fashion bloggers, but that's just not really my thing anymore. Props for real for the fashion bloggers who do that as a job. I can't imagine getting paid or having a full time job to do that, no matter how fun it might look. Just because it looks fun doesn't mean it is.

The closest I got to fashion blogging recently was when I posted a photo onto my Instagram the other day of a dress I got. I was going out that night and I couldn't find a dress that I really liked, so I filed that in the back of my head. Fast forward to when I had to run to Walmart to run an errand, I was looking at the selection of clothes they had and found a cute dress, so I nabbed it for maybe $15.

That's really it. That's the closest I get to fashion blogging. But you know, maybe I'll start that back up and post things like that every once in awhile. It could never hurt, and on the rare occasion I find a fashion blog, it's always a great way to find a new idea or tip to incorporate into my own attire.

We'll see what happens.

For now, I bid you adieu.

B&BW Collection Part One

I thought that this would be a good place to kick off my collection.

I put the regular sized things up top and the "special/different" things in a separate photo.
I also don't have many lotion because I have really dry skin, so I generally use more of the body cream rather than the lotion. Hence why I don't have many.

Not pictured: Japanese Cherry Blossom. Somehow got up and walked away.

Top photo:

Violet Lily Sky, Maui Hibiscus Beach, Sea Island Cotton, Sea Island Cotton, Mediterranean Blue Waters, Marshmallow Pumpkin Latte, Paris Pink Champagne & Tulips, and Vanilla Bean Noel.

Bottom photo:

Travel size Vanilla Bean Noel, Vanilla Bean Noel Shea Swirl Body Lotion, Twisted Peppermint Shea Swirl Body Cream, Winter Candy Apple Shea Swirl Body Cream, travel size Endless Weekend.

Thoughts:

Violet Lily Sky: Has a woody tone to it, which makes sense from the sandalwood. I don't use it regularly, but I think I'll start wearing it if I'm going somewhere simple, like out while I'm running errands. It's light and it's strong, so I would probably need to reapply it if I was out for somewhere longer than a couple hours. I can't pair it with the fragrance mist because I don't have it, but layering the lotion with the mist may make it last longer. Scents go away quickly on me and I think if I really liked this scent a lot a lot, I would have to go out and get a lot of it because it's there for one second and gone the next. Overall, it's not bad.
Rating: 7/10

Maui Hibiscus Beach: Suuuuper summery. I smell more fruit than floral, but also it's extremely tropical and reminiscent of a sunset in Hawaii. Would use this on vacation of if I'm going to a pool. Also probably something your friends might want to cop from you. I like floral over fruity, which is the sole reason why I'm keeping this low. If you like summery scents, find this and nab it because this is the ultimate summer scent.
Rating: 6/10

Sea Island Cotton: Hands down my favorite scent ever. E V E R! I fell in love with it over the summer of 2014 and I have it in many different variations. This truly smells like vacation and the beach. It also smells really fresh and clean. I spray the fragrance mist on my laundry when I'm done folding it and putting it away. It's a really classic scent, and while I'm the person who uses scents seasonally, this is one I can wear all year round and still get comments about it. While it's a classic, it's also vastly underrated and needs to be talked about more.
Rating: 10/10

Mediterranean Blue Waters: This one came out of left field for me, or so it seemed. I saw this one online and the packaging is what drew me in to it. I got the lotion at the store because I didn't see the cream, but a couple days later, I saw the cream, but I ended up not buying it. This is really coconut-y and the pure definition of summer in a bottle. I'm saving this for the hotter summery days and not the warm spring days. I'm probably going to end up using this a lot.
Rating: 9/10

Marshmallow Pumpkin Latte: My favorite fall scent! While I'm not a fan of ginger at all, and that's what hits me the most when I smell it, I love the undertones of marshmallow. I can't really locate the pumpkin part of it, which it also fine because I don't like pumpkin all that much. For me, it's a little strong, so I don't need to ever reapply it.
Rating: 7/10

Paris: My very favorite of the lotions I have. I love this one so much! It's sweet and floral (my love for floral scents is out of this world) and not too strong at all. It's just right. I found this at the store and online over the winter SAS and it was a limited time thing (it says so on the label of the fragrance mist as well), so you won't find this in stores or online anymore, but you may be able to at the summer SAS next month. This is such a great find, and I 100% recommend it. It's so fresh and springy. Love love love.
Rating: 10/10

As of this moment, my iTunes that I have on shuffle felt the need to play Hip to Be Square by Huey Lewis and the News. Obviously I'm now thinking of Patrick Bateman. Honestly if I was in that movie, he would have killed me. And I probably would have let him. That may have taken the fun out of it for him, but I don't care.

"You like Huey Lewis and the News?"

Aaaanyway...

Vanilla Bean Noel: My favorite vanilla scent they've made. This one is pretty strong, so I don't need to wear a lot of it, whether it's lotion or cream or the fragrance mist. It's really vanilla-y, and I can definitely smell the whipped cream notes in it. The lotion for some reason smells different than the cream, and I like the cream better for that reason, but it's still a great vanilla scent that will more than likely give you good comments during the day. It's also a good date night scent in the wintertime. Don't ask me how I know that.

Rating: 8/10

Twisted Peppermint: If you want to smell like a candy cane, this one is the best. I love this one a lot and it's my favorite holiday scent. The major downside to this is that it's not as strong as I want it to be. I find myself having to reapply it in a few hours. This lotion is adorable because of the pretty sparkles that are also in it. It'll give you a subtle glitz instead of an obnoxious sparkle. Plus the sparkles aren't going to stay on your skin for seventy five years. It comes off fine.

Rating: 9/10

Winter Candy Apple: I love this one because of the slight cinnamon notes. It reminds me of hot apple cider. Really, all I smell in this are apples and cinnamon, but it's not strong and overpowering and the combine fantastically. Again, the same thing could be said about the sparkles (and with the Vanilla Bean Noel one).

Rating: 9/10

Endless Weekend: I don't really use this often unless I'm in a pinch, which isn't often at all. It's not bad, but I'm not into the major summer scents like a lot of other people are. I'll usually just throw this into my purse and use it for emergencies. It doesn't smell bad, and it reminds me of a summertime road trip with your best friend.

Rating: 7/10

Bath & Body Works collection

You had to have seen this coming at some point, and if you haven't, then you literally live under a rock. Unless of course you're new here. In which case, feel free to make yourself at home and take a gander at all of my social media links in the right sidebar. Email me and I'll do my utter best at getting back to you. You're welcome here anytime you want.

If you know me, then you know I love Bath & Body Works. And if you know me, you know I have entirely too much of it. I'm not even kidding. This entire collection is going to be sectioned into EIGHT different posts because I have my items grouped into eight different categories. Just to make things easier and more organized for me, plus I absolutely do NOT want to clog my blog with one massive post about every single thing.

Because on top of that, I'm going to give small opinions on what I like about each thing, and what I rate it on a scale of one to ten.

Think of this as the intro post. Once I finish a section off, I'll link back to it in this post so maybe future people can read it and won't have to dig through the archives. Who knows. We'll see.

I'm starting on this later on today, so that's something to probably look forward to. Whatever you like. I will say that I store all of my products in a big plastic bin from Walmart that I got for around $4. It wasn't expensive at all, and it holds all of my stuff in it. Granted, the lid won't stay on, but the handles that snap onto the lid still snap on, so I'm thankful for that.

Since the lid won't stay on, I'm taking that as a sign to knock off the buying. I'll go into details on all of that stuff in my next post.

Mostly Temple talk

I feel so weird being an actual college graduate. A real life college graduate. I have no really major plans for the summer except going to California with some friends, and I want to do what I did when I was in Arizona, which is seeing every Temple in the state.

I mean, total bonus that my main goal is to see the Oakland Temple because it's so close to San Francisco, and if you know me, and you probably should at this point, we all know why I love SF so much. But really, I want to see each and every one, and I really can't wait until I'm in SoCal because I've always always always wanted to see the Newport Beach and San Diego temples. It's been an absolute dream to see them and I'm so excited at the idea that I'll get to.

Anyway, that's pretty much my summer bucket list, to see the Temples in California. I wish I was fresh and hip like other girls my age, but sadly I'm really an eighty year old grandma who's moving away in a couple months. I'm sadly moving away from Logan, and I really don't want to. This is the best place in the world and while I won't be too far away, I'm really going to miss it and the friends I've made.

Thankfully, I'm only moving to a suburb of SLC. I originally wanted to actually be in the city, near the Temple there. I mean, I was dead set on moving to there because the U was so close. But I was looking at different areas in the SL area and I really kind of fell in love with how cute said suburb is. But I've only applied to one place there, and I haven't really given up on living in Salt Lake later in life.

That and my sister is coming down here to live with me, and she'll be finishing out her senior year of high school here and I had to take that into massive consideration. If I stayed in the area of Salt Lake that I wanted to, I think she'd be zoned to go to East High, which is the High School Musical school, if people are interested. Yes, it's a real school. She'd probably like that a lot but oh well! (: Who knows, though. We'll see. Maybe something can happen that could make her dreams come true.

So there's all of that. I didn't really know what to talk about, but I wanted to talk about something. Basically, summer is going to be really fun, but mostly full of temples and moving.

Life, ammirite?

Bye bye college

I graduate college tomorrow, and I think that's one of the most surreal things I've ever done (or about to do). Not only that, but I'm graduating a year before I should. And it's weird when I think about how I started my college journey. I never thought I would have ended up here, but I took a big step in my life and it led me here and I wouldn't want to graduate from any other school... ever.

I graduated high school in 2013, and moved to Provo, Utah to go to BYU. Even when I got accepted and took all the steps to go there, it was never 100% where I wanted to go. I know a lot of people who think of BYU as their dream school. Provo and BYU is where they want to be and that's enough for them. And that's fine. That's their life. Do you while I do me.

BYU was never once my dream school and I never felt like I fit in there.

Most of my family at the time were living in Provo, so I did feel sort of "at home" there and I did feel like I fit in, for the most part. I was happy living with my aunt, uncle, and cousin. I had good classes and I made some friends who I still talk to once in awhile, now that a lot of them are coming back home from missions that they went on over freshman year.

Two school that I applied to and got accepted to were Yale (yes) and the University of Wisconsin.

Wisconsin was such a dream. I visited Madison over my spring break my senior year in high school and fell in love with the place. I loved everything about it and there was a really good program that I could have definitely seen myself in. My life for awhile just revolved around my love for the place and I wanted to go back as soon as I could.

Looking back now, Yale probably wouldn't have been the best option. But hey, I got accepted and that's more than a lot of people can say. Sorry about it.

But ultimately, I moved to Provo and lived with some family.

If you're coming here to read this because I linked to it on my Tumblr, you may know this. And maybe you don't. But what I'm about to say is probably why I didn't fit in at BYU the most.

I moved to Utah when I was pregnant. Was I married? Absolutely not.

When I told people that I was going to have a baby in February (who ended up being born earlier, in November), they seemed really happy for me, until either:

A: I didn't mention a husband.

or

B: I didn't have a ring on my finger.

And I'm not sure if that sort of silent judging has changed, or Provo itself has changed (though based on what I've been reading lately, probably not), but that wasn't something I wanted to have happen to me. I was sick of being judged because I was going to have a baby and I wasn't married. Some people can't seem to understand what happens to people. I may look like nothing has happened to me, but a lot of things have happened to me, and at the time I moved down there, many things had happened fairly recently.

Think before you judge.

A few months into living there, the family I was living with wanted to move to Texas, and I jumped at the chance of going with them. So I lived in Texas for awhile, had a baby, and grew really bored with where I was living. I was nineteen, had an itty bitty baby, and had nothing to do (obviously besides be a mom - my baby was the best thing that's ever happened to me). I didn't have friends, but that was on me because I didn't know how to make friends in a brand new place and my social anxiety was at an all time high.

In March of 2014, I wanted to go back to Utah. I loved it there, but I hated Provo. I was talking with my friend's sister who lived way up north in Logan, and I was asking her about the area and the college that was there, and she said she loved it so much and that she would never even consider living anywhere else. I weighed a lot of options, whether it worked in me and my baby's benefit to move back to Provo, or to try something really new in Logan.

I asked some family for their advice, and one of the major tipping points was that he had (what he called) a vacation townhouse in Logan, where when he went up there, that was where he stayed. And he said that if I wanted to move there, I could stay there, provided I pay for the bills and whatnot. So I weighed more pros and cons, including care for my baby, jobs, and schooling.

Eventually, I got all of those things figured out, I applied to Utah State University, got accepted, and moved to Logan, Utah.

Where I've pretty much been ever since. I've had small jaunts back to Washington (the state I grew up in - and where my parents and siblings live), and I actually haven't been back to Texas since I think.. August of 2014? Somewhere around there.

I took my friend's sister's advice and it paid off hardcore. I've had to work my freaking butt off to get to where I am. It took me a little bit to figure out what major I wanted, but I settled on double majoring in Elementary Education and Art. And it's the best choice I've ever made. Logan is home to me and it always will be. I've made the best friends ever here and it's been truly the best two years of my life. Okay, well a little less than two years because stuff happened over the summer of 2014, but September 2014 to now is pretty great.

And I'm really sad that I have to let it go. Mostly because I have to trade in my Aggie blue for Ute red because I'm going to law school at the U. Something I thought I'd never do. But overall, I'm so happy for how I personally have been received here. I moved here with a baby, and I didn't get nearly as much judgy looks here, so that was a stark difference which I appreciated tremendously.

I didn't really want this to turn in the college part of my life story, but I can't really tell part of it without telling all of it. That's pretty much it in a nutshell anyway. All in all, I'm really happy with my recent life choices and while I'm sad to be ending a chapter in my life's book, I'm looking forward to starting a new one.

Ain't no class better than the class of 2016.

Love Letters & Love Songs

• Love letter writing will never get old.
• Especially when they're eight pages.
• And to one of the best people to ever be in your life.

• And just for kicks, the greatest love song of all time.

As of this moment, I'm currently..

Watching: That 70's Show. I'm not sure if it was just released onto Netflix, but I found it on there and I've been watching the heck out of it! I remember watching it a few years ago off and on and it was funny then, but it's so much more hilarious now that I'm older. And I somehow relate to Red more than I ever thought possible. We would be good friends.

And depending on the situation, I think I relate really well to Hyde, especially in music taste and personal opinions.

And also depending on the situation, I've really always wanted the confidence and self love like Jackie has.

Loving: This new blog layout! Isn't it absolutely perfect and wonderful? I love everything about this sweet thing and the designer is truly one of the nicest people I've ever talked to. We talked about my header picture and my signature and goodness she's so kind. I've been a fan of her blog designs ever since I searched for "blogger layouts" on Etsy. I think this is the third one of hers I own! I had a different one - that's not on her store anymore - that I had on my private blog for over a year. Truly awesome. The theme is super customizable and I'm so happy that I knew pretty much all of the coding and such!

Anticipating: College graduation this Saturday! I really can't believe that it's happening, and I seriously can't believe that I somehow am able to graduate undergrad a year early. I'm sure all my friends are so sick and tired of hearing me talk about it, but this is such a blessing and I'm really grateful that I'm able to go out and do what I really want to do. On the plus side, apartment/townhouse browsing on the internet is going really well! So hopefully I have good news regarding that sometime soon!

Listening to: Now you'd think - you'd think - I'd be listening to the new Beyonce album. NOPE. I'm just blaring the new Drake album everywhere I go. Bey's is good, and I want more than anything to stop at a red light or something and have any guy I used to like be in the car next to me while I'm blaring B. I would LOVE that. But I gotta give it to Drake this time. VIEWS is so good!

Thinking about: June 15, 2016 and how simultaneously happy and sad I'm going to be. Dates are so weird.

Feeling thankful for: The awesome friends I have in my life. I can't thank any single one of you enough. As I get closer to graduation, I'm stepping back and thinking about all the friends I have and how they all have helped me in one way or another. And I really feel like most of them don't even know they've helped. But they have. You reading this probably have. Thank you so much and I love you a lot.

Enjoying: The fact that I'm going to law school and that I'm a strong, independent girl who don't need no man. Doing life for you is great and I hope everyone can do what they want to do in life. My mom used to tell me growing up "If Lily wants to, Lily can". And that's a mantra I've remembered since then. And I'm just out here doing all the things I want to. And let me tell you, it's such an incredible feeling.

Wondering: What life is going to be like in a year. Heck, what life is going to be like in two months.

Feeling: Loved. Happy. Thankful. Blessed.

I love you all so much.

Building myself

Last night I was thinking about some things that had happened to me in my life as a whole. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but that's fine. I never totally make sense anyway. Entirely, I was thinking about the year 2014. I think I often speak of that year being The Worst Year of my Life.

And it should be. 2014 really should be the worst year of my life. I could make a case saying late 2012 to early 2013 were bad. But that was a span of months. 2014 consisted of twelve completely awful months for me. In a little bit of defense though, it didn't start out bad.

Actually, I remember it starting out with fireworks and having to deal with a crying baby. So no, it really had a bad start to totally begin with, now that I think about it. Well would you look at that. I'm actually sort of laughing how I never caught that until now. That's just incredible.

Without going into too many details because being detailed right now is something I don't want to be, having your own flesh and blood getting taken away from you is truly the worst. There is no pain ever that will get you ready for that. It was sudden and unexpected and not something I would wish on anyone. It was the most horrific experience.

When you think you like a guy and for some really stupid freaking reason you decide to throw out completely personal information for literally no reason at all and having that somehow draw red flags wasn't exactly too great either. That was a really stupid learning experience. Actually, he as a whole was a learning experience.

Don't trust boys with cute faces because they can turn very ugly in a snap.

Being homeless for what seemed like eternity but was really only a couple of days at most was probably the icing on the cake. I've said this before, but had my friend not smuggled me into her dorm room after I had overstayed there, I don't know where I'd be right now.

Probably dead.

Just kidding.

Not really.

Anyway, I was thinking about all of those things last night. The memories, the people, the feelings, the things taken away from me. A lot of things were taken away from me in the span of only a couple of months. Building myself back up from literally nothing at all was hard work. Probably the hardest work I've ever done and will ever do. I don't know why I started thinking of that year, and specifically, I was only thinking about the first half of the year. The second half was so much better, and it actually led to 2015 being one of the best years of my life ever.

I'm graduating college a year early in thirteen days. On top of that, I'm a double major.

I'm going to law school because I have a great GPA and my LSAT score is better than I thought it was going to be. I thought it was going to be so low, but it was higher than what I was reaching for. And I remember when I got my score back, I was just so over the moon excited.

Things like that have made me give myself more credit than what I was usually giving myself. I've done a lot of great things over the last two years and it's time for me to give myself more pats on the back for doing good things.

The next few months are going to be crazy and hectic and full of travel and friends and great things, and I truly can't wait to see what sort of great things will be done specifically. 2014 is so far in the rearview but somehow I always keep looking back to make sure I don't turn around and go back there. It wasn't fun for anyone and I refuse to put myself back there.

That's a road that no one needs to go down.

Today, Sunday, isn't so bad! Today I took a shower and then I went to church and then I took a bath and then I did some laundry and now I'm sitting here blogging and listening to one of my records. I love that vinyl is still a thing. It just sounds so much better.

The aesthetic. Of course.

Here's to good things in 2016.

It happens

Yes I'm aware of the massive new header picture. Believe it or not, I actually clicked on "shrink to fit" because it would have taken up the entirety of the blog probably. I'll more than likely fix it when it's not almost two in the morning because I can't sleep. Typical.

But I'm probably going to be updating my blog layout again soon anyway, so I'll probably keep it until then to be honest.

In any case, here are the two songs that are stuck in my head.

GhostBusters theme song*.

The theme to Step By Step**.

* = I love Bill Murray. But who didn't already know that?

** = This show needs to make a comeback.

The one thing I don't hate about Facebook

To start,

I really hate Facebook. I can't stand that stupid website and the only reason why I'm still on it is because I like seeing funny pictures of dogs and looking at pictures in general and looking back on statuses and wall comments I wrote back in the way day. And to look in the private picture albums I have on there from back in the high school days.

I should post a #tbt on there today.

But the thing I also disliked (I say disliked in past tense because I don't hate it anymore) was the memory thing they've included over the last.. I don't know how long. You know, Facebook's version of Time Hop? Yeah that. I generally ignore those pop up's on my feed because I don't care what I did this time last year. But I thought on a whim that I would click the "on this day" thing on the sidebar and see what I was doing on April 14.

Last year was snowing and I had a friend post a comment about how they were wondering what I was doing. This time last year, I was up in the mountains helping myself. So I think me and my homegirl Paige were having fun and making snow angels or snowmen or doing something of the sort.

Two years ago, I was at classes at the college I go to, and I was having a massive breakdown. I remember I got home from what I was doing at work at the time and I fell on the floor crying because I couldn't do it. I couldn't go to work and do classes at once. I had to do one or the other because both was too much for me. I was still in my first year of college and I was in a brand new place and I didn't know anyone. It was pretty tough. And life was about to get a whole lot tougher.

Side note, I'm about to graduate undergrad from that college one year early because I got my booty into gear and stepped it up. I CAN do work and classes at the same time (not literally at the same time, of course). Hard work does pay off.

The thing I pinged on the most was what I was going through three years ago today.

Apparently, on April 14, 2013, I was 200 days self harm free. And I remember how I was feeling then. I wasn't feeling good. I may have implied that I felt good. But I didn't. 200 days is a really awesome milestone and I'm so proud of myself but that doesn't mean I was feeling great or on top of the world. I was going through a lot and I was going to go through a lot worse (now that I'm thinking about it, May has always been a really shlitty month for me - May 2016 let's be friends pls).

The one from three years ago is the one I decided to share onto my feed for my friends and family to see. I'm not sure if I can share it onto my public page, but let me know if you want to read what I posted three years ago because if someone out there is struggling with their self harm, I want them to know that I've been there and I know how you feel.

I'm open about my struggles because I've felt alone with my feelings and I felt like I was the only person who was going through the things I was. I felt alone and stuck. I ignored and declined offers from friends who offered me their ear if I wanted to talk or vent about things and because of that, when I really wanted to talk, I felt alone because they weren't offering anymore. And the absolute worst feeling is feeling like you're alone with how you feel, and I don't want anyone to feel alone. Ever.

Life three years later in 2016 is so much better. I'm thriving and I'm way more happy. I remember last summer, I was so happy some days that my mouth was aching from all of my smiling. I was happy then. And, if it's possible, I'm happier now. Like I said, I got my butt into gear and I'm graduating in 23 days. A year early. And this summer, I'm about to move and go to law school. I'm about to be Elle FREAKING Woods. I want to make a difference. And I'm going to.

So that's why I now used to dislike the memory thing that Facebook does.

It's pretty astounding to look back on the struggles and hardships you were facing and compare it to how you're doing in life now. We aren't who we were three years ago. Yes, we all face tough blocks in our paths, and we try and clear our path the best we can, and sometimes we may need to get some help from a friend. We may even need to extend a hand to someone else who has their own roadblocks.

Everyone is struggling with something in their life, so take the time to listen if they need to talk. Be that little act of kindness because that small offer may be the best thing that happens to them today. Maybe someone got something out of this little post, and if even one person gets something good out of this, then I know I've done my job right.

I love you all. I'm always here if you need to talk, and if you want to talk, there are many hotlines you can call if you need some help if you don't feel safe talking to a friend or family member or school counselor.

You're worthy. And you are loved.

Here's to now being 1,296 days self harm free.

Whatever sort of privacy update thing?

Because I'm super clever with my blog post titles, right?

Anyway, I've gotten some feedback from really awesome people on Tumblr, and I just want to throw out a huge thank you to the people who talked me down! From what's been told to me, it looks like my private blog(s) will stay private, so that's a massive relief. I was really worried about having to deal with someone potentially seeing some really private things.

Blogging/typing is just a whole lot easier than actually writing, no matter how much I love to write things down. Honestly, I have so many things written down in list format and such, it's not even funny. But blogging is definitely one of my true passions, even if no one's ever going to read it except for me and the people I allow. Especially if I spent real money on blog layouts from Etsy (that I'm about to do again in a week or so to overhaul this blog once more) and put them to a blog no one will read. At least one person is reading it, and that person is me.

And yeah, maybe I want to have a cutesy blog even if I'm going to be the only one putting eyes on it. That's not a bad thing. In fact, I encourage it. And I also encourage people taking a page out of my playbook and getting your own blog. And even if you make it private, make it as cute as you want. Even if you don't go on Etsy and buy an actual layout for it, there are a billion different ways to customize it through the designs on here for free. Blogs are adorable and not one is the same so you will literally be your own little special snowflake.

I didn't think I was going to keep blogging ever back when I made my first blog in 2012. I didn't want to keep at it and I certainly didn't think I was going to still be writing in it four years from then, but here I am, still blogging in it. All the good things and all the bad things that have happened to me since then (yes, including the dreaded year of 2014 altogether) are in there and I would hate if that went public.

So I'm truly happy that it looks like that blog will be staying locked up and for me only. I sort of wish Google/whatever owns this site would pull a Tumblr and make private blogs password protected. That would make it so much more secure to me.

But until then, I will continue to be appreciative of blogs staying where they need to be.

xx

Privacy?

Hey y'all!

I thought I would share some thoughts and maybe throw out a few questions to the public and hopefully get some answers because this is something that is sort of confusing to me and frankly a little bit worrisome.

Yesterday (Monday the 4th), I logged into my other Blogger account on here (the account that contains my really private blog that I don't share with others unless I log them in onto my account and let them read it - which has been a very small amount of people) and I noticed this big blue box at the top. Here's the screenshot that I took when I logged into this account to write this post:

I mean... call me a ninety year old grandma, but what does this mean? Does this mean my private blogs will be public by default now? If so, I really don't like this nor do I really want to continue with Blogspot/Blogger/Google/whatever the heck this is anymore. It's not that I have anything really "bad" on other blogs that are private, but I've had a blog on here for four years now that has nothing but really personal things and stories that I would really wish to keep private.

I thought recording all of the things I've needed to share onto a blog that I could keep private was awesome and great, and it seems to me like this ^ up there is going to.. I don't know, hinder that?

Yes, I have journals. I have many journals for many things. But to be honest, I type quicker than I write, and I can easily access my blog to show to my therapist, for example. I can also easily get journals mixed up (yes, I could label them, I know) but it's not hard to get blogs mixed up.

Or am I totally overreacting and I can still keep my private blog(s) private? I would love it if I could. Because if not, I'll probably have to make the really tedious move to Wordpress. I would hate to do that because I HATE Wordpress but I think they're also more laid back and chill about things. I do have a Wordpress blog that I think I've only used three times.

I'd keep this blog on here though and not move anything. This blog is public and for anyone to read because I don't share as much as my life story on here as I do in my other blog.

Please please please let me know what that little statement means. I've tried to get an explanation but I can't find one. Please comment or email me or heck, message me on Tumblr (I'm going to link this to my Tumblr) and let me know.

I just want to know if I need to move things over the next month.

Conference and Self Promos

Hi peeps!

Life has been super good this last week because I was on my last spring break of the school year! I had this last week off from teaching and my friend and I went to South Lake Tahoe and it didn't disappoint! I posted some pictures on my Instagram, so feel free to follow me and see the cool adventures I've been on if you want! The link to all of that is up top.

Life has also been super good because it's conference weekend!

What's that, you ask?

Click here!

At the bottom of the link I provided, it also gives a brief summary of what this is all about. Basically, it's Christmas for us Mormons. If you've ever wanted to be uplifted in the absolute most spiritual of ways, go there. You can watch the sessions that happened today, yesterday, and conferences last year and the year before that! It's really powerful stuff and will more likely than not blow your mind.

It's truly incredible. I know that this church is true.

And if you have questions about Mormons and what we believe in, click here!
If you want to attend church but not sure where to go, click here and find where you live on the map.
If you want to talk with people about the church and ask questions, click here and refer yourself! Really awesome missionaries will then come to your house and you can ask them whatever questions you have. They're great people and they'll probably love you.

Other than that, that's pretty much all I have for the blog at the moment. I thought that I was going to be the ultimate 20-something Utah girl stereotype and have a job that consists of blogging, but I'm sort of glad I broke that mold lol. No offense to anyone in Utah who does blog for a living. You do you, girl. Or guy. I don't judge.

Blogging is just a fun thing to do on the side when I have a free moment. I don't get paid to talk about the things that I do talk about. No one sponsors me to talk about a product or review it. I do this for fun. Although I'm open to reviewing anything if someone wants me to. If someone or a company wants to send me a phone case, for example, I'll definitely use it and review it for you. Email me (link is up top) and we'll chat.

Shameless self promotion.

I mean, duh.

Also I graduate college in just over a month, so I'm doing last minute things I should have done earlier, but it's all going really well. I'm in a good place and I got accepted to my dream law school, so things are falling into place right now and I can't say I hate it.

Things be good, things be good.

I love you all. Do good things and make good choices.

xo

Word vomit

I don't have anything too huge to blog about, so I'm just going to throw out random things that don't really deserve their own blog post and I'll just word vomit the crap instead.

-

I can't even remember what I blogged about last year, so I don't remember if I blogged my feelings. I've definitely put blogging (this one specifically) on the back burner because I've been busy with work and school and I just want to be the very best because I want to be on my A game for law school. So needless to say, I've been stressing myself out a lot. And that means I take a bath, eat Oreos in the bath, and cry.

I'm a dream girl, I promise.

But in all seriousness, I'm turning into *that* person we all know who is starting to not have a social life because my life revolves around homework and turning that work into crisp clean A's/good grades. I've never gotten below a 3.5 GPA and while I'm not in danger of being lower than that at the moment, I'm just in the homestretch of college (I graduate in May) and I want to be sprinting to the finish line and not be running.

I'm a teacher for probably THE coolest bunch of first graders around, and I was thinking recently to myself one night before I went to bed "Hey Lily... do you really want to go to law school or do you want to stay being a teacher for adorable kids?" and that made me think about it from every which way. I had a great class of kids last year and I didn't think I would be able to have a class that was even cuter than them, and this class is just as cute. And I have no doubt that next year's will be cute as well.

Because you know, little kids are adorable and say the best things ever.

But do I really want to go to law school? I want to stay in Utah (or close to Utah) for law school, and I'm not saying I'm a shoe in or anything because who knows what could happen, but I have the numbers to go to the school at the University of Utah. It's pretty much my frontrunner school, with one in Arizona being my "fall back" option (and I've applied to a few other out of state) so it's not like I'm going to be far away.

And I'm not going to be both a teacher and go to law school at once. I don't even think that's even close to being possible. And even though it says online that each school I applied to did in fact receive my application, I still don't have to go. And there's always a chance that I won't be accepted anywhere. I could be waitlisted for all I know. So I'm really just weighing my options here.

So this weekend (meaning yesterday) I drove all the way across the state to St George so I could have a fun bridal shoot with some other people collabing. There was a woman who had a dress for the bride, there was going to be a photographer, and I was going to do hair and makeup. About halfway into the drive down I got a call from the photographer saying that she thought it was next weekend and was therefore out of town, leaving me completely screwed.

But luckily, I was going to be in a really scenic and beautiful location, and I never pass up an opportunity to take pictures of my own in scenic locations. So I thought "Hey, why don't you play the role of Supergirl today and do hair, makeup, and take the pictures. It's a really long shot, but you're pretty rad, Lil. I think you can do this."

And I did. I did all three just like Supergirl would. And it was actually a lot more fun than I thought it would be. The couple was really understanding and had no problems with it and the girl was really adorable and fun and cute. And super photogenic.

I drove back home this morning where I'm here, sitting on the couch and watching an old Seahawks game that I had recorded on my DVR. I'm about to end this and do some laundry because tomorrow is Monday, and thus begins the start of a new work week.

But next week I have spring break again. So THAT'S exciting!

See ya!